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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

44 replies

Nottobeconfused · 08/02/2022 20:56

Met bf 4 years ago online. Both been married & divorced, 5 boys between us. Bf started making noises about how relationship was going nowhere. I own my home, no mortgage, kids left, successful business. Bf is going through bankruptcy, lives with his elderly Dad, suffers with depression, bit anti-social yet very kind and generous with his time.
My issue is that lately I have felt very much a non entity with him. I include him in everything, probably too much however I know he doesn't have a kind word to say about me to his family, I guess this is to make himself better? He has no money so I've paid for everything for the last 4 years but I do feel as tho I am being pushed into letting him live with me. My boys are dead against it even tho they've all left home.
It's a situation that is is easier to see what is happening when looking in than being in the middle of the scenario.
I'm having doubts as to whether I was too harsh on not letting him move in yet I love my freedom and independence. Maybe I shouldn't be dating?

OP posts:

GeneLovesJezebel · 09/02/2022 06:54

You would only be an idiot if you let it carry on now you know better.
Get rid now 💐

MzHz · 09/02/2022 07:28

@dexterslockedintheshedagain

FGS DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN. If he can't talk about you kindly to his family, he needs to go. Seriously, what DOES he bring to the table here??!!

Even if he were a squillionaire, he’s bad mouthing you. That’s enough for you to LTB

Totalwasteofpaper · 09/02/2022 07:32

Bf started making noises about how relationship was going nowhere. I own my home, no mortgage, kids left, successful business. Bf is going through bankruptcy, lives with his elderly Dad, suffers with depression*

Bwahaha I bet he is concerned its going no where. 😅😅😅 He saw you coming....
He is a prize wannabe Cocklodger.

Personally I'd be ending this ASAP. And your son is being pretty diplomatic as well as wise.

Continue the relationship if you really must but under no circumstance let that man move into your house and insist on going Dutch for everything going forward. You aren't a walking ATM.

Original poster

Nottobeconfused · 09/02/2022 17:30

The silly arse came round this afternoon to collect a few bits and said 'So, it's definitely over then?'. I said 'I don't like the way you treat me and you don't like that I have told you so' He said 'Ok'.
I hope this is the last I've heard of this. He looked shit btw. I am done now with everyone on here making me wake up, in the kindest of ways.
I have grown stronger with this experience & it's time for me now!
Thank you everyone x

OP posts:

Blushinggerbil · 09/02/2022 17:47

Good to hear this update.

Be proud of your sons by the way! They sound great.

Blushinggerbil · 09/02/2022 17:48

Ps you said hope it’s the last you hear of it. Can you just cut contact now? It’s usually the easiest way to cut free mentally. Hope you book something or do something nice on the weekend! Celebrate!!

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 09/02/2022 18:16

@Nottobeconfused

The silly arse came round this afternoon to collect a few bits and said 'So, it's definitely over then?'. I said 'I don't like the way you treat me and you don't like that I have told you so' He said 'Ok'. I hope this is the last I've heard of this. He looked shit btw. I am done now with everyone on here making me wake up, in the kindest of ways. I have grown stronger with this experience & it's time for me now! Thank you everyone x

Well done you! You're AWESOME!!!

CousinKrispy · 09/02/2022 18:20

We'll done OP and big hugs

Whatonearth07957 · 10/02/2022 21:43

Well done. Hold firm X

sassbott · 10/02/2022 21:52

@Nottobeconfused he is not going to leave you alone. He sounds like a very nasty/ entitled piece of work. You have been deeply generous and he won’t let that go easily, he also still has his eye on the prize. Which is you looking after him in retirement.

I would steel myself against an escalation of sorts. Suicide threats. Or an about face of how he cannot live without you, he has seen the error of his ways etc etc.

You haven’t seen or heard the last of him.
Date him by all means. Reconcile with him. But do not, under any circumstance let him move in. And do not spend anymore of your money on him.

specialsauce · 10/02/2022 21:58

You have done the best thing possible to improve your life. Stay strong during moments of doubt - it's easy to fall foul of thinking 'if only this or if only that'. It was a no-brainer and I can totally guarantee that you will feel happier than you've ever been once Spring arrives and you feel stronger. Go you! x

Opentooffers · 10/02/2022 22:22

You wanted a BF, but it looks more like you got a gigolo. Next time, aim for equitable means and spending, it makes life so much easier. You shouldn't need to pay for love & understanding, in fact you've just proved you can't, because he gave you neither.

XmasElf10 · 11/02/2022 00:57

Congratulations on your new found freedom

Being single is WAY better than being in a shit relationship!!

TopCatsTopHat · 11/02/2022 06:58

Excellent news Nottobeconfused you've brushed him off like dandruff on the shoulder and he put up about as much emotional resistance! Clearly not that devastated so whatever generosity he showed it wasn't motivated by love that's for sure.
It's great he came along when you needed him (what a wise son you have), we all need a stepping stone sometimes, and it sounds like you helped him when he needed it. At least you can both look back and think 'well that was useful but I'm glad it's done with now'

howtoleaveit · 11/02/2022 08:36

He will be back because he’s used to using you. Stay strong. You don’t need this nonsense in your life.

layladomino · 11/02/2022 18:09

Brilliant update. Stay strong and hold firm. He will likely try to worm his way back in, as you provided him with an easy life. Block. Ignore. Listen to your sons. Build up your self-confidence. You deserve better than him. He was a lazy leech who couldn't even speak kindly of you to his family. How utterly entitled and disrespectful.

Your life will be so much better without him.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 11/02/2022 23:12

@Nottobeconfused

The silly arse came round this afternoon to collect a few bits and said 'So, it's definitely over then?'. I said 'I don't like the way you treat me and you don't like that I have told you so' He said 'Ok'. I hope this is the last I've heard of this. He looked shit btw. I am done now with everyone on here making me wake up, in the kindest of ways. I have grown stronger with this experience & it's time for me now! Thank you everyone x

Wow. Well done that must have been difficult. Now you are free!!! 😜👠👠

BOOTS52 · 11/02/2022 23:59

DO NOT ever let him move in. Listen to your sons who can see how he has and is behaving towards you. You said he never has a kind word to say about you to his own family. Do not let him move in as you will lose your peace of mind and your place that is yours to relax in. I would not be in a relationship with this man as he seems very unkind and puts you down and seems jealous of your life. Take time to be on your own and take up some hobbies. It sounds like you find it hard to be totally alone. Please re think this relationship as what are you getting out of it and he was not there for you when you needed him. Move on and learn to be happy alone and look up codependency. He sounds awful and you cannot save him while he drags you down and breaks your spirit. You need to learn boundaries. Am staying single as have no energy to deal with arseholes anymore who start out nice but then change. Get a dog as my lovely dog is nicer and more loyal than any man.

BOOTS52 · 12/02/2022 00:03

oh well done to you. There will be times you miss him but do not go back there as he wants you to look after him emotionally physically and financially. He does not seem happy and will drag you down more if you take him back. You have done so well and bet he is in deep shock that you took a stand.

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