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Original poster

Travel to meet date

30 replies

Nettii1971 · 08/02/2022 20:36

Hi, I met someone on bumble, they live 60 miles away. I've met 3 other people on bumble and non were right for me but this guy seems to have same interests/values etc, at least so far. This is my first time dating in 30 years so really out of touch with what's 'normal'. First date I suggested a drink, he said he'd like a meal and came up with a restaurant for lunch which was 30 miles for me and 50 miles for him (ie not in the middle but off direct route between us). Spoke on the phone several times and he seems a very lovely easy going guy. Now 2nd date is this weekend. I messaged him and said to make things easier let's meet half way such as C. He has come back with, let's meet at A or B (beauty spots) and go for a walk and a meal, both are 50 miles away for both of us. I have to get a train to London late that afternoon so said I'm limited on time so better to meet in the middle. He's come back and said we'll just do the meal then and not the walk. I'm so confused as to why on earth he'd want to travel so far unnecessarily this early on, plus if he's willing to travel 50 miles then why not come 50 miles my way, or dare I say it come all the way being as I'm pushed for time! Then i can travel next time. He seems to want these dates to be an event whilst I just think it's best to get a coffee or a drink and chat and get to know one another. I'm sure people will think I should be grateful he's making so much effort but it really is the wrong type of effort for me. I'm much more interested in having as easy a life as possible and just getting to know each other. The travelling unnecessarily is a real problem for me, it just isn't sustainable at this stage. Any thoughts or experience in this would be much appreciated. I've only just started this dating and already thinking about packing it In 😀.

OP posts:
Knutface · 08/02/2022 21:00

I agree, seems OTT for a first meet. On a first date you don’t want all that pressure, I would just say let’s meet half way. If he pushes you to go to this other place I would call it off.

PossiblyDreaming · 08/02/2022 21:07

It sounds like he’s already not listening to you. He wants it to be a big day out but despite you saying that you’re short on time and it’s inconvenient he’s not willing to compromise or even notice it’s inconvenient for you. If I was you I’d say outright that you’re short on time, it’s not practical to keep meeting 50 miles away from both of you when you could either meet in the middle or at each other’s hometowns and that you don’t think it’s going to work with the distance unless you make more practical arrangements. That clearly sets out what you want and need and puts the ball in his court as to whether he thinks pursuing a relationship with you is worth him not getting his way on location.

Savoretti · 08/02/2022 21:12

You say 2nd date - have you met once already? Not clear. If it’s first date then shortest journey shortest date definitely the best bet. It’s quite a distance for dating generally though

unicornsarereal72 · 08/02/2022 21:19

I wouldn't bother. 60 miles apart is too far for me. If you can make it work fair enough but he isn't making it easy.

Anything over 30 mins in car is too far I think because you can't just meet up for a cuppa or an hour or two. It has to be planned. More difficult if
You have responsibilities to consider.

roses2 · 08/02/2022 21:20

Maybe he has plans in that location later on but hasnt told you?

RedCandyApple · 08/02/2022 21:22

Could it be that he doesn’t want to risk being seen closer to his area, maybe he isn’t single? That’s the only thing I can think tbh.

Original poster
Nettii1971 · 08/02/2022 22:34

@Savoretti Sorry yes already met once, this is 2nd date.

@roses2 The two places he's suggested are many miles apart so that can't be the reason.
@unicornsarereal72

@RedCandyApple FB suggests he's single. It's not that he doesn't want to meet me in his town, he won't come anywhere close to the city I live In.

@unicornsarereal72 I'm starting to think the same, it just seems an awful lot of hassle. I'm busy enough already, 2 jobs and 2 teenagers (and a very important dog). I was thinking meeting a couple of times a month would suit me fine but no way of really getting to know each other in the early days by doing that.

@PossiblyDreaming You have said everything I was starting to think. Thank you. Not once has he asked me what I want to do, and ignored me when I have said. It's already more hassle than it's worth tbh. I'm really just testing the waters with dating and definitely don't want to get into a controlling relationship.

OP posts:
Yousexybugger · 10/02/2022 10:23

What are you looking for eventually, as in, a couple of dates a month for now leading to more, maybe living together eventually etc, or something casual indefinitely?

If the former, this sounds like a lot of hassle for me. I've done a LOT of dating (albeit different life stage) and have overlooked distance so many times if someone has been nice. It's never worked out, seeing each other eventually becomes a logistical ball ache rather than something fun and exciting. If he's not really listening now to what you want or need, to me that doesn't bode well for the arrangements and compromises needed for a relationship with distance.

If you do think there is promise, I might do one more 'meet in the middle' date, then suggest that you'd prefer to alternate meeting locally to each other as it's not really saving much distance to both do 50 miles.

Original poster
Nettii1971 · 10/02/2022 13:41

@Yousexybugger I don't know what I want, which really doesn't help! I lost my husband several years ago and it's just been my two daughters and me for so long , I don't know how a man would actually fit in. I guess I just feel if I don't at least make an attempt at meeting someone now I may never bother. Tbh being single for the rest of my life would be absolutely fine....but I don't want to regret never trying again.

I think ball ache is a good way of describing how I'm feeling about the distance already. He seems like a nice guy who i got on with but it's more a feeling of having to make an effort, rather than wanting to. I'd be relieved if he couldn't make it. I think the simple fact is I'm not really enjoying the whole dating thing. I don't look forward to the date, I don't like having to decline a 2nd date and now I meet someone who I would go on a 2nd date with and it's just hassle. But this is just the 4th person and I realise some people have to meet many before they meet someone they like.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 14:29

I think you need to find someone who makes sense to you, consistently, from the start, rather than someone who suggests things that make you go 'Wuh?' Seems like this isn't right already. When you find someone worthy, you'll be having too much fun to be posting on forums about him.

Sunshineandflipflops · 10/02/2022 15:53

I met my partner online and he lived an hour away (40 miles). It wasn't ideal and he was actually out of my location boundary I had set but as he'd swiped on me, he obviously came up in my list of options and I swiped before I realised where he lived.

Even though he didn't have a car, we made it work for 2 years - me driving to him or him getting the train to me. For our initial dates we met halfway, which worked fine. He then moved to my town last summer so we could see more of each other.

So although 60 miles would be a little far for me, it is do-able but only if you listen to each other and compromise, which it doesn't sound like he is doing. Why is he so against coming to your town/city?

Original poster
Nettii1971 · 10/02/2022 21:26

Update: I messaged him and suggested a town between us which has a nice pub and said why don't we go there and have a walk around the town (the two places he'd previously suggested were a forest and a beach) and go to the pub or a coffee shop.

He has come back with what he calls Plan B...which is a village (near the town I suggested)and he's mapped out a 10k hike on the out door active app through the fields which takes 2 hr 45 minutes then 'a meal at the pub. He's sent links to the menu and a link to the map of his hike. I think maybe he's just very controlling and likes to organise things. I've said it's raining Sunday anyway so why not stick to the town i suggested. He's come back and basically said he likes the outdoors and rain doesn't bother him, but if it does me it will just have to be a meal. He said he likes the countryside and not towns, which explains why he has no interest in coming to me...I live in a city.
I however love cities and put that in my profile.

The idea of a 10k hike in the cold and rain with a virtual stranger, with me looking like a muddy bedraggled rat has no appeal to me whatsoever. I like a nice country walk with friends and the dog, but this is too much for a second date.

OP posts:
Yousexybugger · 10/02/2022 21:33

Sorry to hear about your loss OP.

With your last update, he's sounding pretty pig headed to me. You've only met once and he's pushing for a 10km walk out in the country which a lot of women would be apprehensive about with a near stranger compared to being in more populous settings, regardless of how much they like the city/countryside. He's just ploughing through your suggestions with no thought as to what would make you most comfortable or relaxed. It's all about his preferences, isn't it?

sassbott · 10/02/2022 21:46

Not a chance I would go on that date. Sorry he has red flags galore. He’s not listening. He’s not taking your needs / wants into account (and this should be him in best behaviour mode).

Sorry id tell him it’s all a bit too much with all you have on, wish him well and block him.

He’s giving me the creeps.

Sn0tnose · 10/02/2022 21:59

I don’t think that this is the man for you.

The whole purpose of dating is to meet someone who adds something to your life. You’ve only spent a couple of hours with him and he’s already being a pain in the neck and trying to push you outside your comfort zone (Seriously? A 10k hike in the middle of nowhere with a complete stranger?!) How would it work if you began seeing each other? If he won’t even spend a couple of hours with you in a town on the second date, will he ever come to the city you live in? Or will you always have to work around him and what he does and doesn’t enjoy doing?

OssieShowman · 10/02/2022 22:19

Put this in the too hard basket. It’s not going to get any easier.

iwishu · 10/02/2022 22:24

If you've already explained to him and he's not willing to compromise and make it easier for you, then don't do it, seems more sense to travel to each other than having to both drive 50miles, I think its too much hassle doing all this.

iwishu · 10/02/2022 22:26

Just read the update, even worse, he's sounds like a control freak and you're not compatible

FirstTimeSecondTime · 10/02/2022 22:37

I have been on so many bad dates that now, when I go out, I want it to be something that I want to do and something that I know I will enjoy. That way, if he is a dud, I know I’m going to have fun anyway. This means going to restaurants that I fancy, my last date was to see a show that’s I’ve wanted to go to for ages (he got to choose the restaurant afterwards. the restaurant experience was awful, but the show was great ). Maybe this is what he’s trying to do?

I definitely wouldn’t want to see him again, way to many 🚩

mug2018 · 10/02/2022 22:38

Sounds like way too much hassle - not sure I'd bother with a 2nd date if it's taking this much debate.

TheHoleNineYards · 10/02/2022 22:38

I like the countryside.
I like walking.
I don’t even mind rain.

I would mind him ignoring my suggestions /preferences and steamrollering grand plans into an informal day.

Chuck this one back OP. He sounds like hard work.

Journeynotdestination · 10/02/2022 22:44

No, this isn’t right. He should be trying to impress you and part of that would be making your life easy on a day when you have said time & time again you are short of time. It’s all ‘me, me, me’ with him! It would be a hard pass from me and I would be keen to see him again.
And a 10k hike… just no!!

Journeynotdestination · 10/02/2022 22:45

Wouldn’t be keen!

Fuckityfucksake · 10/02/2022 22:58

No!
Red flags galore
He's most definitely NOT your fishy OP, throw him back....

Cimone · 10/02/2022 23:18

He's married. That is why you have to meet farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr away from where anyone can see him, in remote out of the way places. Get rid of him.