What a bloody mess

[Whatamessimin]

I've name changed for this as linking to my other threads could be seriously outing.

I'm going to try not to drip feed but need to keep the details vague.

I had a serious and limiting health issue and my long term partner upped and left me with no warning whilst I was going through treatment. We were a blended family and his excuse was the kids weren't getting on. Seems its quite common as a number of women on my support pages had the same thing happen. Anyway fast forward 6 months and he came knocking with his tail between his legs just after I got better and was discharged, lost a shed load of weight, and started to look like the old me again. Claimed he'd made a massive mistake, loved me and hadn't moved on blah blah blah.

I decided to give it another ago. Figured that because even after what he'd done I still cared about him and my child missed him as did I.

There was issues before he left that I had brushed under the carpet think typical cocklodger and I guess I just felt that it'd be better the devil you know than the devil you don't. (I know I know)
Anyway fast forward again a couple of months and we're right back where we were before. Him staying at mine more than his other address (family members) me feeding him and running around after him whilst he sits on my sofa drinking and watching sports making no contribution financially.

All the promises of him fixing things have never materialised, the weekends away never booked, the offer to help pay off debts I'm struggling with that had accumulated whilst he was living with me has never happened.
Everytime I bring it up I just get the same answer...he's sorry and will do anything to fix it. SMH

We haven't reintroduced the kids. I haven't seen his children now for months and months and if I'm honest I'm not sure I want too. But he has spent time with mine (as I said they missed him)

I know I need to end things as it'll never change and even though I love him I could never trust him again after he left the way he did.

I had a rare night out a couple of weeks ago whilst he was withh his children and reconnected with an old friend and ended up having a ons. I feel so guilty! I'm laid awake at night crying over what I've done. I've never cheated before and feel sick that I have. I keep going backwards and forwards in my head as weather I should just tell him or not.

Everytime I see him I just want to cry. If he had never left this would never have happened. I'm in such a mess I just don't know what to do with myself.

Don't bother telling him, just bin him.
Seriously OP, you should definitely get rid of this horrible man who left you when you were so poorly.
For you

Op I think you need to put your ONS out of your head while you decide how you want to proceed with this relationship. Tbh, from what you have written, it sounds as though you know what you need to do ... . And I don't think you should feel too guilty about your actions as he walked out without a thought when you needed him most. Pay more note to his actions, not his words! He has already shown you who he is!

You made a mistake, he doesn't need to know, but he definitely needs to go. Finish things with him and look forward to a brighter future.

Omg I remember your last post when that sonofabitch betrayed you when you were so I'll and helpless! My advice? Run like hell and get some therapy-you deserve far better than that worm!

Oh OP, I remember your posts from before. This is a man who deserted you and your children when you needed him most. That isn't love. And now he's come back, now you don't need him so much and now you've lost weight and are starting to bounce back. This is man who doesn't want to care for you, support you and nurture you - this is a man who can only see an opportunity to suit him.

Please stop running around after him - he doesn't deserve it. He doesn't contribute, doesn't pull his weight and doesn't prioritise your needs. It's time for him to go, and deep down you already know this.

Forget the one night stand. It means nothing and don't even think about coming clean to him - he doesn't need to know.

Walk away, head held high and then embrace as many wild nights out as you can handle. You're worth so much more.

I know he needs to go. I need to find some time to sit him down and have the talk with him.. I don't need him in my life and he isnt adding anything to it just taking all the time. Its so one sided and I can see that.

When he came back I really did hope things would be different, and after surviving something I shouldn't have, my head and heart just ran with it. The whole you only live once thing going through my.mind over and over.

I never thought I was capable of cheating, and as a result my emotions are all over the place because of it. The ons was/is a good friend I'd not seen for a while because of covid and my illness, we're still in contact as friends. I don't regret what happened but I do regret the way it happened.

I just wish I'd bumped into ons a few weeks before as if it'd happened before my ex came back I probably would have told ex where to get off.

My mental state is a mess. I've been begging for support but non available to me via NHS (shortages in my area) and private is a luxury I can't afford.

I'm carrying so.much guilt for surviving and now I've added this to the shit heap in my brain too.

Thank you for not bashing me. I expected to get flamed. I know what happened is no excuse for my actions. I could have walked away and chose not to that night. But ultimately if my dp hadn't of walked out and left me I would never have been in that position or mindset.

Some difficult conversations to be had I think. Even after everything I know this will hurt him and I'm beating myself up for that constantly too

If it helps, I would have slept with someone long before this! Don't feel guilty. Don't tell him. Do dump him.

Don’t tell him. Don’t feel guilty. It happened. It’s an awful relationship, clearly very toxic. Just end it.

If you can’t do it for you, please do it for your kids. He doesn’t sound like any sort of male role model to aspire to be like. And whilst he’s cocklodging off you, he is, in very real terms taking from said children so he is fed and watered. Abysmal behaviour.

How much notice did he give you that he was leaving just when you needed him most? Well, give him the same if not less Op. He's a useless waste of space and deserves no consideration., he's a user and needs to be gone. I'm so angry for you Op

Bin him for good while he still has an official address somewhere else.

He dumped you and disappeared when you needed him the most. You went way above and beyond what can be expected in terms of loyalty by taking him back. You don t owe him nothing no more in terms of relationship effort.

Don t kill yourself about the ONS. Timing is not great, but it s not a decent man you re betraying or a healthy relationship you re destroying: you re going the extra mile of self-sacrifice (and a very very long one after what he did) for a POS, and a part of you is still wise enough to try to make you stop and change course to live again a happier life without this dead weight. Listen to it.

PS. I m all for honesty and openness usually, but not here

A ons is not typical of you so if you have done that it is because your subconscious is very unhappy with things the way they are. No one in a happy relationship for whom cheating is out of character has a ons on a night out.
Take this event as the symptom it is, the signal your inner self wants out. Act on that, no need to reveal what you've done, it's achieved what it should which is to bring home to you where you are psychologically in this relationship. Then be true to that.
What has led you to this point is completely understandable. No one makes their best choices when dealing with major life crises.
Once he's gone you'll feel free and can start to consternation what the future might look like without him muddying the waters.
Good luck with getting the job done, don't apologise or feel you need to justify yourself. This relationship is far too one sided, you've had your last chance and I'm out is basically all you need.
May your future be bright and your good health continues.

'What a bloody mess' is drama.

'Some difficult conversations to be had I think' is drama.

Fundamentally, this man has proven himself to be unworthy of your love. That's all you need to tell him. No conversation necessary. He doesn't spend any of his time concerning himself about how to have tricky conversations with you, does he? He just springs the lie he hopes you believe, and then gets on with whatever it is that he wants to do.

Why would you have a difficult conversation with him? Why not just tell him to sod off?

Bin this rubbish man. He will never be there for you ever. My exH was having an affair while I was in hospital and then wanted to come back.
I told him to get out. Best thing I ever did.

Don't have a big sit down conversation.

He fucked off himself when you needed him.

He can fuck off now that you don't.

He doesn't live with you, you have no shared kids. You don't need to 'discuss' you ending the relationship, it's not a committee decision.

Tell him it's over, you've reassessed the relationship, it's not making you happy, your decision is final so you aren't going to get into a back and forth buy you'll send anything of his to his address. Then follow through.

Usually this would be a harsh thing to do but all things considered, he doesn't deserve any more. Don't mug yourself off by thinking he does!

And while you may have to wait for NHS counselling as the list is so long, I'll tell you one thing that will start to improve your mental health more quickly than counselling in the meantime... taking control and ending the relationship.

The ONS is a red herring. It's irrelevant really as the relationship is already dead in the water. You're just being used by someone who left you when you would be the one requiring his emotional energy, who then returned when he saw you had energy again yourself to give him.

And stop letting your kids watch you run around after a man. It's so damaging to them when it comes to their own relationships in the future. Let that power you.

And the fact he's such a smug cunt that he's got his feet firmly under the table again at your expense! Bleurgh.

I recall that your previous thread was highly disturbing. He suddenly left you and your child in the lurch when you were ill, suffering, and needed so much help….this after you had provided him with housing, home comforts, emotional/financial support, and commitment to his children.

You were beyond devastated and agreed that he was the lowest of the low. It is not at all surprising that this self-serving, manipulative User made false promises to get back in when you were feeling better.

OP, use your agency and good sense to better your life. You have prevailed over much adversity and deserve to be surrounded by those who respect you and enrich your life. This guy is still treating you with callous disregard and needs to go. You are showing your child a very poor relationship model.

@JohannSebastianBach

Don't bother telling him, just bin him. Seriously OP, you should definitely get rid of this horrible man who left you when you were so poorly. For you

This. He sounds terrible. Get rid.

The ONS was your deep subconscious survival mechanism telling you to get the fuck away from this man and find a better one. Please listen to it as it happens to be correct.

There is no discussion to be had with the man who deserted you when you were seriously ill. He's just a long term on/off "boyfriend" that has become a nasty habit, quite honestly. It's best to bring it to a decisive and quick ending - no long conversation is necessary. He is hopeless, selfish and has absolutely nothing to offer. There is no love, commitment, romance, fun or promise for the future.

You have children to bring up and a life to live, and it flies away so fast - you have no time to waste!

Get him out of your life and move on.

You don’t need to tell him about the ons.

You don’t need a talk with him either. It will just be an opportunity for him to make you feel even more guilty and give you endless promises and reasons why you should give it another go.

Just tell him it’s not working for you and it’s over.
No justifications needed.
Just keep repeating that to him.

Did he care about abandoning you when you needed him most ?
Did he care at all about hurting you ?

Yes he might be hurt... hurt that you’ve come to your senses and decided not to put up with him any more!

Lots of decent guys out there OP

I remember your original post, dont let the ONS bother you my god! What a run of it, gravely ill, partner sods off, kids upset, you facing it alone and then he trots back in to be his usual cocklodging self. Its a shame for your kids if they've missed him and he's back but life is too short and you and your kids deserve so much better

The ONS was your deep subconscious survival mechanism telling you to get the fuck away from this man and find a better one. Please listen to it as it happens to be correct

This. You haven't cheated on anyone, your brain is shouting at you. Listen to it.

Don't it yourself through the strain of telling him. He honestly doesn't even deserve that. He left you right when you needed him most.

Forget the ons. It's a red herring.

You need to split up with him and him to move out.

He isn't living with me. Just spending more nights here than his own address and expecting tea to.be cooked and house clean, etc

He's living with his parents and having the kids there and is here every other night when he hasn't got them.

I'm struggling to feed myself let alone him too!
He has taken me for a couple of nice meals out during this time and paid admittedly but 90% of the time it's me cooking and him in front of the TV, beer in hand.

He isn't here for a few days now thank god so I've got a bit of space to.breath and get ny head straight. I get what your all saying about He doesn't deserve an explanation and I should just drop him the way he dropped me, but that doesn't sit comfortably with me and in my mind makes me no better than him.

I'm not a bad person and I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd behaved that way.

I'm going to sit him down and talk to him. Explain why it will never work for me and that it has to end when I see him again next week.

Again I know he doesn't deserve that but it would burden me carrying the additional guilt for ending it in any other way and I have enough going on in my mind at the min
I'm such a bloody idiot for thinking he could change.

He doesn’t live by the same code as you. He’s not kind, caring, compassionate or supportive. When shit got tough he was out of there. That’s not on you but him as a person. You weren’t a fool to hope for a brighter future. You would be a fool to believe it’s with him. You really really deserve so much more.
I believe every relationship teaches us something so that’s always a positive. Look at what you can learn from this. You have a second chance at life, re assess what’s important to you and what you want from your second chance at life.
I wish you all the happiness in the world going forward because you deserve it. You just need to believe it too

How did it go, op? I expect he got really pissed off about his personal maid giving him the boot.