What a bloody mess

[Whatamessimin]

I've name changed for this as linking to my other threads could be seriously outing.

I'm going to try not to drip feed but need to keep the details vague.

I had a serious and limiting health issue and my long term partner upped and left me with no warning whilst I was going through treatment. We were a blended family and his excuse was the kids weren't getting on. Seems its quite common as a number of women on my support pages had the same thing happen. Anyway fast forward 6 months and he came knocking with his tail between his legs just after I got better and was discharged, lost a shed load of weight, and started to look like the old me again. Claimed he'd made a massive mistake, loved me and hadn't moved on blah blah blah.

I decided to give it another ago. Figured that because even after what he'd done I still cared about him and my child missed him as did I.

There was issues before he left that I had brushed under the carpet think typical cocklodger and I guess I just felt that it'd be better the devil you know than the devil you don't. (I know I know)
Anyway fast forward again a couple of months and we're right back where we were before. Him staying at mine more than his other address (family members) me feeding him and running around after him whilst he sits on my sofa drinking and watching sports making no contribution financially.

All the promises of him fixing things have never materialised, the weekends away never booked, the offer to help pay off debts I'm struggling with that had accumulated whilst he was living with me has never happened.
Everytime I bring it up I just get the same answer...he's sorry and will do anything to fix it. SMH

We haven't reintroduced the kids. I haven't seen his children now for months and months and if I'm honest I'm not sure I want too. But he has spent time with mine (as I said they missed him)

I know I need to end things as it'll never change and even though I love him I could never trust him again after he left the way he did.

I had a rare night out a couple of weeks ago whilst he was withh his children and reconnected with an old friend and ended up having a ons. I feel so guilty! I'm laid awake at night crying over what I've done. I've never cheated before and feel sick that I have. I keep going backwards and forwards in my head as weather I should just tell him or not.

Everytime I see him I just want to cry. If he had never left this would never have happened. I'm in such a mess I just don't know what to do with myself.

The extreme feelings of guilt you’re talking about following the ONS prove how out of character being unfaithful is to you. This in itself should tell you something OP. It sounds like you wouldn’t have done it in a million years if you were in a happy, normal relationship with a person you’re committed to and you feel is committed to you.
This man abandoned you and your children when you needed him the most but I haven’t told you anything you don’t already know have I.
Please put you and your children first. Set them the example they deserve and start putting your feelings and needs before the needs of this coward. Sending you lots of love

As everyone says. The wanker left you when you needed him and is now back not contributing at all and you're getting further into debt. Text him to tell him you're finished.

I'm going to sit him down and talk to him. Explain why it will never work for me and that it has to end

Don't do this OP. Keep it short and to the point. The more you say and the more reasons you give, the more he has to argue back that you are being unreasonable, to persuade you that your feelings are wrong and try to wear you down with fake promises of change (again). Just repeat the key message - for example "I'm unhappy, it's not working, it's over".

Don't give excuses or explanations or try to justify your feelings.

It's not bringing you down to his level to do it this way and you don't have you feel guilty for wanting to be happy.

I agree with @Gerwurtztraminer that this will give him yet another opportunity to manipulate you.

When I finally decided I’d had enough with my psychologically abusive and manipulative ex h ( after many years when the penny dropped), I went through several weeks of “grey rocking”.
During that time he came to me looking exasperated and begged “can we talk about this and get back to normal? I really miss you “

I replied “ There is nothing to discuss. It’s just more tactics to allow you gas light and manipulate me. You don’t discuss, you manipulate”

He stood there looking at me and said nothing. Because he knew that I knew and his game was over.

Men like this target women who are caring and kind and “nice”because they know their chances of being told to F off are lower.

It's over. It's finished. I've nothing more to say.

That's all you need to say.

If you sit him down for a chat he will come out with all the usual guff that he has used before. I suggest you think less 'chat' and more 'monologue'. This is working for me you need to leave. Job done. Move on and find somewhere who is more use!

Just text him and say that its not working out, no need for conversations. Do it today, then its done and over. You have only been together 2 months, it was his call to end it last time, you have no obligation to explain anything.

Instead use your energy, time and money on your child and guiding them through this. It is absolutely the best thing for both of you, please priortise them and their growing up around decency and love and not this terrible man in their home.

Don't bother sitting him down, he knows he's into a good thing and will do and say anything to try and talk you round. Tell him about the ons and he'll use it to play the victim and you'll never get rid. Just send him a text - 'this isn't working for me, I'll leave your things by the front door on x date'. Then block him and make sure you change the locks and go out for the day

Forget sitting down & having a cosy chat with him. What would you gain from doing that? It would simply give him yet another chance to wheedle his way back into your life.

You know in your heart that he will never really change. The meals out, the promises to change, they are just window dressing to get him back the easy life he had with you.

Put yourself and your children first this time. Send him a text telling him it is over, then block him on all possible channels. That would be kinder than how he dealt with you.

The ONS isn't the problem, it's a symptom.

If he brought any joy to your life you probably wouldn't have done it.

I would just send him a message saying this isn't working for me anymore. Please don't come round again, I won't let you in.
And don't beat yourself up about the ons, and don't tell him about it. He'd use it as a stick to beat you with and become the victim in all this, despite how he has treated you all this time. Good luck @Whatamessimin

Again I know he doesn't deserve that but it would burden me carrying the additional guilt for ending it in any other way

Put your energy into making you feel ok about this, rather than doing something you don't want to do (ie explain your feelings to a man who doesn't care bout them) so that he feels ok about it.

Again I know he doesn't deserve that

What, he doesn't deserve to be dumped? Yeah he does. I wouldn't even give him the effort of sitting him down and talking to him. So he can talk you round? Make more promises he can't be arsed to keep?

Nope. Quick phone call, "this isn't working for me, pick up your stuff." Done. Don't give him a chance to worm his way back in. He dumped you when you were at your most vulnerable. Be single and work on your boundaries and yourself before you jump into another relationship.

Do NOT tell him you had an ONS. He will use this to make you feel like every problem you ever had together was your fault for cheating.

You did something out of character. You know that's not you so don't let a once off be what he uses to blame you for all HIS awful behaviour. Your ONS isn't related to this relationship - it was your subconscious creating the reason you needed to leave.

I cheated on a partner with an ONS once. I felt awful, because that's not me.

But at the time I was utterly miserable in the relationship, I had no feelings other than dread for him, I loathed him touching me and I felt totally trapped because he heavily implied that he would harm himself if ever I left him.

Looking back now I can clearly see that he was manipulative in many ways. What I did was wrong, but what he did was wrong too. And I really think that I had to subconsciously create a situation where I just couldn't' look him in the face again with shame, to force me to break up with him. I never told him, and I don't feel I owed him that. I still don't. If I'd told him he would have 'forgiven' me, and I'd still be as trapped as I ever was, only now he would have had a perfect excuse to hold over me for subsequent horrible behaviour towards me and to manipulate or coerce me further.

You sound like an honest woman brimming with integrity but please believe me, this is one time you NEED to not tell him about the ONS.

Don't feel guilty, don't tell him about the ONS, dump this man.

He left you at the lowest point in your life, that's all I needed to see to say the above.

A decent person should let someone know where they stand. Whether you give someone an explanation /justification as to the inner workings of your decision making process that led you to decide the relationship will stop entirely depends on whether the recipient of that information will corrupt that information into manipulation material or not.
This guy probably will /would so all he gets is to know you are no longer his partner. He can probably figure out why without you spelling it out anyway.
Don't hand him an opportunity to haggle, just state the fact that you're done.

Quick update

I told him its over and my reasons why. I've left out the ONS but explained I wasn't happy with the status quo and never would be, and was tired of his empty promises to fix things.

He's gutted, heartbroken and doesn't think he will ever get over losing me. (His words) but so far has respected my decision.

I feel heartbroken all over again because I do love this man regardless. I can't just turn off my feelings.

As much as he has belated on about how much he cares, I'm his soulmate etc not once has he came up with a viable option to make the relationship work and ny life easier.

So that's that.

Time to lick my wounds, heal and get on with my life (again)

@Whatamessimin

I know he needs to go. I need to find some time to sit him down and have the talk with him.. I don't need him in my life and he isnt adding anything to it just taking all the time. Its so one sided and I can see that.

When he came back I really did hope things would be different, and after surviving something I shouldn't have, my head and heart just ran with it. The whole you only live once thing going through my.mind over and over.

I never thought I was capable of cheating, and as a result my emotions are all over the place because of it. The ons was/is a good friend I'd not seen for a while because of covid and my illness, we're still in contact as friends. I don't regret what happened but I do regret the way it happened.

I just wish I'd bumped into ons a few weeks before as if it'd happened before my ex came back I probably would have told ex where to get off.

My mental state is a mess. I've been begging for support but non available to me via NHS (shortages in my area) and private is a luxury I can't afford.

I'm carrying so.much guilt for surviving and now I've added this to the shit heap in my brain too.

Thank you for not bashing me. I expected to get flamed. I know what happened is no excuse for my actions. I could have walked away and chose not to that night. But ultimately if my dp hadn't of walked out and left me I would never have been in that position or mindset.

Some difficult conversations to be had I think. Even after everything I know this will hurt him and I'm beating myself up for that constantly too

You don't need to sit him down and have 'the talk'

What would be the point? He dumped you when you needed him and he's come back because he hasn't found a better offer out there (sorry)

All you need to do is ask for your keys back.
Or change the barrel in the lock.
And tell him not to come back.

Crosspost

Well done. It hurts now, but your load will be so much lighter without that deadweight taking up space on your sofa.

And think about it - what was to love?

I remember your previous thread op and I’m glad you have decided to end it, this man is selfish and heartless to have left you as he did, the fact he has come crawling back for his free meals and home comforts as soon as you are better just shows the measure of him.

Don’t survive an illness just to live a half-life with someone worthless, you deserve so much better

Well done, you deserve so much better than this idiot.
The rest of your life starts now

“ If he had never left this would never have happened.” And you would have lived forever with a cocklodger who would fuck off when something got difficult. It’s definitely him and not you. ONS wasn’t great but maybe its the wake call you needed to see you are worth more than a cocklodger.