Aggressive for no reason

[mummatoonexxo]

My partner who I have been with for 5 years and have a toddler with often makes up weird Scenarios in his head and makes me feel guilt for things I haven't even done. A lot of the time it's his insecurities worrying about people looking at me (men) and things like that. But today he says randomly "I'd kick the shit out of you if you ever cheated on me" obviously it annoyed me and I got funny with him and he started saying why am I being so defensive and trying to imply that I may actually be cheating. Not the first time he's made a comment like this. He has quite the history of being like this with me. He's pretty narcissistic and never sees the problem. What do you think..

Ok so you'll need support from professionals to leave. Can you try and talk to the council and explain you're in an abusive relationship and need support to leave?

Is the anything he wont miss that you could sell online on a site like ebay? Create a PayPal account and open your own bank account to send the money too.

**Like his organs? He’s clearly not using his heart or his brain.

How is he able to know where all the money goes if he spends practically all daylight hours in bed?.

How very sad for you.

At least you're in a good position being you're the one who works and not him.

Please seek some advise from Womens aid etc before it gets too bad.

This guy sounds awful, sending you my love x

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How is he able to know where all the money goes if he spends practically all daylight hours in bed?.

He believes he should be the one that holds the wallet being a "man" and he does. He also is the one with the bank account on his phone. We use his bank for everything never mine.

You are in an abusive relationship @mummatoonexxo, your updates just made him sound worse. If he is threatening you, ie do this and I'll do that to you, then you can go to the police and ask them to help you remove him from your home. Get your financial affairs in order, go to your bank ASAP and get back control of your money.

Do your wages go into his account? Please contact womens aid

Get help. Women's aid would be a good place to start. The police can help get him out of your home and you can apply for a non molestation order against him. He is the perpetrator of your abuse, not your partner. He is emotionally, financially and I would bet sexually abusive. My guess would be he coerces you into sex you don't want. He probably tells you if you don't want sex as and when he wants it you are cheating, so you are raped to make sure he doesn't attack you verbally or physically. He's threatening violence to control you. You are in the midst of domestic abuse and you need real life help and real life action. You have to protect yourself and your precious child.

He believes he should be the one that holds the wallet being a "man" and he does. He also is the one with the bank account on his phone. We use his bank for everything never mine.

Just because he believes something it doesn't make it right. You can tell your employer to put your wages into your bank account in future, you can tell government to put child benefit and tax credit etc into your bank account too. You're allowed to do this. It doesn't matter if he doesn't like it.

I echo others you need to speak to Women's Aid about your situation and how to get out of it.

Is the home rental agreement in your name or not?

From previous experience people who are distrusting/ accusing of cheating all the time etc are usually the ones who are cheating themselves... they are riddled by the guilt of what they have done and fear that you too could be as devious and awful as they are.

Get a new account and talk to payroll.

Another one for saying he’s a cunt. A dangerous one at that - what does he class as cheating? Leave OP. That was a warning. A threat of violence is never a joke.

It’s not ‘our money’, he’s just a boyfriend and is unemployed, it’s your money. If he gets aggressive, have police remove him. Have you reported his abuse?
Dreadful environment to inflict on a kid.

OP he should have his own money anyway, he wouldn't be destitute if you reclaimed yours.

You should have all your wages and child related benefits/low earnings benefits (delete as applicable) paid into your own bank account.

He should be claiming unemployment benefits or disability if he's "too depressed" to work. (He's not too depressed, he's lazy and wanting you to pay for everything and also wanting to deprive you of money so you can't leave. Has he even been to the doctor about his "depression"? I'll bet not.)

If the tenancy agreement is in your name, tell the landlord you want to end the tenancy, get your wages etc changed over to pay into your bank account and get a new flat lined up ready for payday, for you and DC. You don't even need to tell him, as soon as payday arrives and you've got some money get out of there tell landlord you've left and don't tell your boyfriend your new address.

If the tenancy is in his name it's even easier because you've no need to give notice to the landlord. Just find a new place and leave as soon as possible.

If rental agreement is in joint names you're best bet is probably to tell the landlord it's an abusive relationship and you're leaving him, so you need removing from the tenancy. Asking the landlord not to say anything to your boyfriend until after you've gone.

If you contact Women's Aid they can help you with all this. From finding you a place in a refuge if you want, or helping you get on the council house list, getting grants to pay for furniture or the deposit on a new private rental place if your wages are low. They won't make you report anything to the police and they won't make you leave him if you're mad enough to want to stay, they won't judge you for it either.

This is how the violence starts, words then action. Be prepared, and be prepared to leave.

“He has said it himself before, he is scared I'm going to find someone Who is going to treat me better, yet he won't change his behaviours. He's deleted male friends of my phone, been through my phone, I have no social media, he doesn't like me drinking, sometimes I ask myself how blind can I be. For sure if I left him he would make my life living hell he's told me that before also, he's also mentioned killing himself if he didn't have me or my son. I can't seem to pull myself together and find the strength to go through all of that, I'm not the most emotionally stable person as it is and I have a lot of anxiety's he knows”

He has got you very tightly would around his finger.
All the things he says and do are to control you.
The suicide threats I had from my abusing ex
When he told me he would make my life hell I left.
You are in danger every day from this awful man. Your child will grow to believe this is normal behaviour.
Start your plan to leave —- not to his family, not near his family. Contact Women’s Aid for advice.
Trust me, this will not get any better.

You pay your wages into his account??? Madness. He is abusing you emotionally, financially and probably will start physically. Leave, leave, leave!

Speak to woman's aid you are being so badly abused.

Salary into your own bank account and go to a refuge.

Do you have a domestic violence policy at work? Can you go and speak to someone in HR and ask for help? We'd give you work time to attend appointments, make phone calls and get your accounts transferred.

We'd gently ask questions if anyone requested their wages were paid into the account of someone else, just as a welfare check.

He believes he should be the one that holds the wallet being a "man" and he does.

So he likes the (outdated and sexist) tradition of men being control of the money but is happy to reject tradition by not working and forcing you to be the sole provider?

What a cunt.

I imagine he makes sure he has money available for drink and weed, doesn't he?

Other posters have offered good advice; you are in an abusive relationship and potentially at risk of serious harm, but the good news is that if you are the main earner in the family and your toddler is in daycare then you can depart to a domestic abuse organisation in the very near future and deal with this controlling asshole through the medium of the courts in future.

An important thing to consider is this:

My family aren't really emotional people definitely not people I can rely on for support, usually it's just me, myself and I

Having a neglectful family is a high risk factor for ending up in an abusive relationship. I would suggest you seek out a therapist to talk about your family and learn how your neglectful upbringing has resulted in you not seeing the red flags of an abuser that will definitely have been present early in your relationship.

Does he have ANY good features at all?

Doesn't work. Lazy.
Financially controlling.
Controls who you see / where you go.
Gaslights.
Creates problems then blames you for them.
Doesn't have any respect for you.
Threatens to 'kick the shit' out of you.

He is abusing you in so many ways. This man doesn't love you. He doesn't even seem to like you very much. He certainly doesn't respect you or see you as his equal. (Which is weird, bearing in mind he brings absolutely nothing to the relationship- he still thinks he's King).

Please talk to Womens Aid and seek any other advice you can, to get away from this monster.

A much better life awaits you.