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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend I've stuck by has seemingly turned on me?

35 replies

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 09:28

I have a friend I've known for some years. She is a massive talker- difficult to get a word in edgeways often and she tends to switch off when I'm talking. It's draining at times. I have however continued my friendship with her up until this point because she can be very kind and thoughtful, has a good heart, but is seemingly socially unaware at times. When we joined a baby group together, other mums would gravitate away from her as they found the persistent talking exhausting (this is what one mum once said to me once when she wasn't there as she joked that I must be enjoying the quiet). I didn't get into a conversation with her and brushed it off.

Recently, since the restrictions have lifted, we have been out with some of the mums from our sons' preschool for drinks on two occasions. Her behaviour towards me during these outings has been far from polite though. She will compliment everyone on what they're wearing apart from me, go on her phone each time I talk and at one point, sighed as I was talking. She wasn't doing this when others were speaking. Then, on Saturday evening, I bumped into her in the supermarket and she physically turned her back on me as I was responding to a question she had asked me, to begin a conversation with someone else she knew who walked passed us. I wandered off very red faced without even a goodbye.

I'm fuming to be honest. After all the years I have stuck by her when others have gravitated away from her, I've seen through the constant talking and always focused on her good intentions as a friend, I don't know what I've done to warrant this sudden rudeness.

I'm really disappointed she's behaving like this towards me. But we are of course part of the same social group now and it's very difficult for me to break ties. What would you suggest on dealing with a person like this on a day to day basis? I also see her at preschool pick ups so it's not like I can avoid her. The other mums must be affected by her endless talking also but they're a nice bunch and put it to one side like I have done for many years. I just need some strategies to get me through seeing her on a social level and her behaving like this towards me. She's even started to look me up and down as if she's judging my outfit at school pickups which makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm usually in joggers as I work from home!

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ElleGB · 08/02/2022 10:10

You either call her out on in, at the moment she does it, even if that means publicly, or you distance yourself from her.

You can still see her socially, but focus more on the others who don’t treat you this way. Only speak to her when she speaks to you, be polite but cool and stop making the effort with her.

What rude behaviour, she won’t have many friends left soon by the sounds of it.

Lunificent · 08/02/2022 10:14

Have you gossiped with other mums about how irritating her constant talking is and they’ve told her? There’s got to be a reason she’s giving you the cold shoulder.
Personally, I’d take it as a gift. I have the exact same type of friend l. The constant talking is wearing and I have sometimes hoped she’d have some reason to let go of our friendship.

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 10:14

She doesn't have many friends and used to tell me she wished she had more friends. I always felt really sorry for her. But, it's like she's had a massive boost in confidence now that we have a friendship group, a new job which I helped her get- I sat and helped her with the application forms and it's like "I don't need you anymore."

It's really shocked me.

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Badenergee · 08/02/2022 10:16

Not at all @lunificent they are really nice mums so it wouldn't be appropriate for me to gossip to them because they're all very nice to her.

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ElleGB · 08/02/2022 10:18

She doesn’t deserve your friendship.

Leave her to it, focus on the friends in the group who are kind.

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 10:19

The problem is that she still talks at me when it's just the two of us, I wouldn't mind so much if she didn't bother. And even if it's just the 2 of us, she's still rude whenever I respond to a question or instigate the conversation myself. She doesn't listen to a word I say.

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Badenergee · 08/02/2022 10:22

I've even often wondered if she could be on the spectrum. She will give me random gifts at times which makes me think sometimes that this possibly isn't nasty. She seems completely unaware. She also asked me once if people might find her offensive.

There's something strange going on towards me individually though, in addition to the constant talking and not listening in general. I've never seen her turn her back on anyone else though like she did to me on Saturday. It really felt like the last straw.

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Imposteramongus · 08/02/2022 10:26

Just walk away from her or turn your back on her when she starts talking to you. If its OK for her to do it to you, you can do it to her.

Accidentgirlfriend · 08/02/2022 10:28

I would avoid her when you’re on your own together . If she goes to talk , just start moving away “gotta dash , we will catch up soon with everyone “ type brush off and rush off . I wouldn’t be giving her my listening ear if it’s not good enough when everyone else is around .

Doesn’t sound like you would be losing much of a friendship , it works both ways .

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/02/2022 10:33

I think you're right about her being socially immature and getting a bit bolshy now she's made some other friends (she is ineptly trying to establish social dominance). Just avoid her, focus on other friendships, keep moving so you don't have to chat to her. Your new friendship group will start to find her exhausting soon enough, and you don't need to stand by her anymore due to her current behaviour.

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 10:54

Yes I'd agree about the social dominance thing. What is all that about?

I'll put more effort into avoiding her, it's hard as I tend to naturally be polite, but it's so rude that he talks and talks and never listens. Although it's one thing not to listen and another to actually physically turn her back on me.

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EarthSight · 08/02/2022 13:15

Other than actually disliking you for some reason, this is some kind of power play or attention seeking. If it is, expect mind games to follow.

So, for example, if you no longer approach her at the supermarket, just pretend you haven't seen her or simply walk by, expect her to bring that up in front of other people. She can then make you look like the bad person and herself the victim that deserve other women's attention and sympathy. Or, she might gaslight you into believing she isn't behaving like she is, and make out like you are making a big fuss out of nothing when you know exactly what's going on.

Either she is using you as a tool to garner sympathy from the group, or using you as a drama topic to discuss with the other women. Or, she actually wants your attention. She wants to create stress and drama so you come running to her. People like this though are often the type to really enjoy playing with people like a cat would with the mouse.

You need to send the message across that a) You're not that upset or bothered by this behaviour (because that's what she wants if she wants attention from you in particular and b) That this behaviour won't be tolerated. If she's behaving like a twat, she needs to learn that she can't reel you in again by being nice. Some people are fucked up - the desperate need and want attention from an individual, but they don't really care about that person that much. Their empathy isn't high enough to stop the cat & mouse game. They enjoy the drama too much.

ChaToilLeam · 08/02/2022 13:18

Next time she does it, call her out.

Then you’ll have your answer.

myothercarisaskoda · 08/02/2022 13:34

Not sure why you've been friends for so long! Someone that didn't listen to me and singled me out like that wouldn't even qualify as a friend. Just phase her out.

MingeofDeath · 08/02/2022 13:35

Why haven't you called her out on her rude behaviour?

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 08/02/2022 13:39

Be coolly polite when she talks to you - so she has no excuse to be critical of you- but rather aloof - and definitely do not try and share any of your own stuff with her. She is not a safe place.

Ceramide · 08/02/2022 13:47

There’s got to be a reason she’s giving you the cold shoulder.

Not necessarily, and to me that seems too close to victim blaming. Sometimes people are just unpleasant or unkind for no reason except their own attitude.

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 13:55

I think the suspicions around attention seeking are spot on. The first time I met her, she was asking me for help with a situation. But I have noticed a very competitive nature emerge. In terms of parenting, our children reaching milestones etc. She'll sometimes flush if I tell her about something DS has been doing that her DS hasn't and then busily distract herself as if she can't hear me.

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Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 13:59

I think there are a number of different things going on here -- for one thing, the way you phrase this ('friend I've stuck by turning on me') suggests you think she owes you gratitude for your longterm fidelity.

But remember, she doesn't see it like that -- from what you say, she's too socially unaware to have been conscious of the fact that her social behaviour is offputting and tone deaf and that you've been forbearing for years. She just thinks you like her, and is not conscious of any debt of gratitude that you've put up with her for years and, in your view, you've established her in a social group she wouldn't have had without your sponsorship.

The question I think you need to ask yourself is why you persisted in your relationship for so long with someone who monologues incessantly, and clearly takes very little interest conversationally in you? What was in it for you?

I ask because it seems to me that people who persist in befriending someone whom other people think is awful, is because, consciously or unconsciously, there's a power element. 'Aw, she has no one else.'/'Aw, she's a good person underneath it all, and I'm the only one who can see it' etc.

For whatever reason, you put up with her poor manners and monologues, even when other people remarked on them and kept away from her, possibly in part because it was a one on one friendship. Now suddenly she's included in a new social group, and she's around other people with you on an equal basis -- suddenly her bad manners are being more obviously exhibited, because she doesn't have the social awareness to cover up what appears to be possibly happening in her head: 'Oh, I'm more interested in these exciting new people than in boring old @Badenergee, who's as familiar as an old slipper.'

It also possible that someone who is presumably unused to socialising in collective situations, that she has the social nous of a seven or eight year old who ignores one friend on a collective playdate in favour of the more exciting one -- that she's just not used to normal social group manners, like 'don't play on your phone when one person is talking, don't turn your back on someone who's answering your question, even if you're not that interested in the person'?

There's also the more unpalatable idea that you were fine when you were all there was, but now that she thinks she has other friends, she prefers other people to you? (As, in fairness, you clearly prefer other people to her...?)

What you should do probably depends on what you want to happen. Is she likely to piss off this new social group? From what you say, you've only been out twice with them, so it's early days. If she does, do you want to retain the friendship of the group? If so, I'd be focusing on establishing friendships with the others, and making it quietly plain that you don't come as a pair, in case you're ditched along with her, if they get tired of the monologues. (It sounds from what you say as if her talking prevented you from making other friends at baby groups?)

Also, are you done with her as a friend? Do you still see one another one on one? If she's ditched by the new group, and starts wanting to see you as if nothing happened, what do you want to happen?

Badenergee · 08/02/2022 14:06

Honestly @rossnagoose, I don't expect gratitude. Just for her to reciprocate basic friendliness in return. I'm just illustrating that I think I've been a good friend to her for the sake of the post.

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Chloemol · 08/02/2022 14:07

Just make sure you only see her in group situations now

Don’t meet up with her outside of the group

Thelnebriati · 08/02/2022 14:08

Some competitive people can't bear to be seen as weak and may turn on people who have helped them. From her point of view, she used you when she needed help, now she doesn't need help she's worried you might use her 'weakness' against her so she has to show 'strength'.
Its not that they are competitive, more that their competitive behaviour is actually a form of defensive aggression.

Rossnagoose · 08/02/2022 14:13

@Badenergee

Honestly *@rossnagoose*, I don't expect gratitude. Just for her to reciprocate basic friendliness in return. I'm just illustrating that I think I've been a good friend to her for the sake of the post.
I'm not suggesting for a moment that you haven't been a good friend to her, @Badenergee, just that sounds as if she's too socially unaware to see that, or to conceal politely what sounds like her lack of interest in you when she's in the (presumably for her) novel position of now having other friends?
Badenergee · 08/02/2022 14:15

I definitely want to retain friendships within the group and retain the group.

I maintained the friendship because she has a good heart- always showed genuine concern if I was hurt or unwell, always there with a little gift to show she cared. But I'm seeing that perhaps that doesn't make up for the day to day rudeness. I don't spend long periods in her company alone as I get exhausted and haven't done for a long time.

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Badenergee · 08/02/2022 14:18

Yes I would agree with that @rossnagoose

I know others have discontinued friendships with her in the past as she has told me so- one friend told her she was rude. It makes me wonder if she actually is aware of it for this reason. She's extremely serious too, hence me questioning whether she could actually be on the spectrum.

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