Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I a failure as a domestic goddess? And does it really matter

32 replies

ca7439 · 31/12/2007 17:21

In a nutshell, my dh wants me to be perfect housewife and I'm not. WE have 2 kids - age 2 and 1 and he wants to come home every day to a 2 course dinner on the table, all washing dried and ironed, house immaculate.......
Problem is, that's not my style and I don't think it's that important, not that I want to live like a pig, but you got to relax a bit.
He says I don't have time cos running business on ebay which takes a couple of hours each day. Keeps asking me to close it down, but it's something I really enjoy and I don't see him complaining when he is spending the extra money...
Sorry, bet this sounds really petty to some people but I'm sick of the arguments. I think there's more to life than cleaning!
Thanks for reading - rant over!!!
xx

OP posts:
twinsetandpearls · 31/12/2007 17:22

Your dh should not want you to be something you are not, I am not a domestic goddess on the cleaning front and alhtough dh may secret;y desire I was different her loves me for who I am.

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 17:24

Tell him the 1950s finished. Get over it.

tribpot · 31/12/2007 17:27

Sounds like your dh is in need of the MN-approved course of treatment: you taking off for the weekend and him seeing how easy it is to maintain that sort of standard, even without an eBay business to run.

He seems dangerously close to falling into the trap of "I earn the money, therefore family life revolves around me" - bugger that is what I say. I earn the money but family life is a team effort. He wants the house immaculate? He can pay for a daily cleaner. He wants a 2 course dinner on the table? He can pay for a chef.

Original poster
ca7439 · 31/12/2007 17:31

Thanks guys
Glad to hear it's not just me.
I was beginning to feel like it was my fault. Like I should try harder and be a slave to the bl**dy hoover...
Don't know what his problem is. Seems like as he gets older he gets more old fashioned.
Any suggestions for how to tactfully tell him to get over himself, without starting a row.
I'm just sick of the "I go to work all day and you're at home all day with the kids....." attitude.
PS
Happy new year

OP posts:
Elizabetth · 31/12/2007 17:32

Give him a duster and tell him to get on with it.

tribpot · 31/12/2007 17:34

Seriously - he needs to understand how much work 2 small children are. What does he imagine happens, they watch CBeebies for 8 hours a day whilst you put your feet up in the kitchen reading a novel?! If so, you need to clear off for a day. Even half a day ought to do the trick.

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 17:34

I'm v preg and not well atm. My dh is pretty good but over the last week has admitted that he finds getting anything else done while looking after ds to be practically impossible.... I managed to bite my tongue!

tribpot · 31/12/2007 17:36

BBS - my dh says the same, and he's been a SAHD for 2.5 years!!! He can't get into my callous mindset of "yes you want to be picked up but yes I need to hang out this load of laundry even if you do cry as a result".

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 17:38

I really don't think the worst lesson in life is "mummy just needs to clean/tidy up/wash occasionally before we all descend into squalor and social services get involved."

Original poster
ca7439 · 31/12/2007 17:39

Thanks for all your support!!!
I think that's what he does think. They sit watching tv while I lie on the couch drinking cups of tea and reading magazines.
Think I will have to leave him to get on with it.
Welcome to the real world of kids fighting, drawing over the walls, peeing over the floor, throwing toys down the stairs.... Hmm, looking forward to it!

OP posts:
brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 17:39

Oh, he soooo needs a weekend with them.

When are you off?!

Original poster
ca7439 · 31/12/2007 17:41

got my bags packed already!!!

OP posts:
madamez · 31/12/2007 17:42

If he wants a clean tidy house that much, as other posters have said, he can iether pcik up the hoover himself or pay for someone to do the cooking and cleaning.

Frankly I'd be ever so slightly alarmed by a partner who not only bitched about the housework but wanted me to stop having any independent interests (ie shut down your ebay business). You're not a domestic applicance and you're not his property either.

fizzbuzz · 31/12/2007 17:46

I don't even know how youcan manage to find time for Ebay with 2 kids that age......

MumRum · 31/12/2007 17:52

wow.. my DS is the same, as in he wants the house tidy.. the dinner is always ready, he may have to help to mash the potato etc, the kids sandwiches are done.. clothes are washed and put away but he STILL moans if the house is still a bit of a mess... ie shoes not put tidily away... he's been known to come in and move some paperwork 3" forwand and 2" back...
I think its a control thing where he hates his job and wants to come home and prove he's important and boss someone arround... I tend to let it go over my head... I think what every you do they still want more..

Cappuccino · 31/12/2007 17:52

I don't think you should turn into a domestic goddess overnight and I agree that his demands are very OTT - 2 course meal, immaculate house, all washing done and away - not possible with 2 tiny kids. But it is possible to do something

but it does sound as if you don't respect at all what he wants - "I don't think that it's important" - surely there is a compromise?

If I was working and my dh was a SAHD I wouldn't ask for immaculate, and I would expect to do some housework and cooking myself

but if I came home after a day's work to a tip of a home with my dh saying "Oh it's not important, there's more to life," etc etc, I think I'd feel a bit peeved.

go on everyone flame me

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 17:58

Not going to flame you Cap, as it's always about compromise and finding what you both want but I do wonder what lies behind his attitude.

Cappuccino · 31/12/2007 18:01

no his attitude is wrong I agree he is expecting too much

but hers is equally entrenched

if something is important to her dh she must at least respect that if we are asking him to respect her pov

brusselbeansprouts · 31/12/2007 18:03

Fair point. It's a tricky one when you both have different ideas about house standards. It's fine him wanting an immaculate house, but he does need to appreciate the work/tedium involved. General rule of thumb has to be not to expect someone to do something you wouldn't want to do yourself.

MamaG · 31/12/2007 18:05

I agree with cappy, completely

orangehead · 31/12/2007 18:09

Some men really dont understand what looking after kids entails. My now x complained alot when ds1 was newborn, as newborns just sleep all day so why could I not keep on top of the house work. I forced him to shadow me one day, he was so shocked at how much time bf took, apparently he thought I was exaggerating when I had told him a million times that ds took 1 and half hour to bf and that he didnt like to part with his wind and that he would want feeding an hour and a hour after the end of his last feed. Sadly his new found respect only lasted a few days before he resorted back to his moaning

Aitch · 31/12/2007 18:11

i saw a tv prog once where they tested the stress and activity levels of a mum with two wee ones and her estate agent husband... guess who had to bake and eat his own humble pie when the results came back?

sprogger · 02/01/2008 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Desiderata · 02/01/2008 21:30

Oh yes, there's much more to life than cleaning.

Whenever I get mildly concerned about my shambolic efforts at housework, I remind myself that I have never read an epitaph in a graveyard which read .. 'here lies Martha Shipperbottom, who was a marvelous housewife.'

Minum · 02/01/2008 21:44

When I'm at home for the day I'm very concious that to deliver everthing I want to - happy DCs, house ordered and clean, yummy dinner etc I'd have to work 50% harder than is reasonable for a days effort, and rarely achieve it. Likewise, at work I'm often expected to work way above whats comfortable in the time available (and have to deliver), so it has to be negociated how hard both partners work.