Stuck!

[Cleanbedlinen12]

Partner wants me to get a job ( so do I). I have tried various things but they have never been good enough apparantly. He doesn’t want me to work for free ( volunteer) or mess about with courses when I have a degree. I lost a lot of confidence but am getting it back. I gave up my cafe job as it got so difficult to go. ( not obviously, but rolling eyes, disparaging comments, )
I have joined a return to work course, I didn’t want to tell him as I thought he’d be dismissive ( he was), but it gave me the courage to get as far as an interview. Today I mentioned a part time shop job - help with bills/ get me going etc. he said I couldn’t get a shop job as it doesn’t help the family. He said something about how I needed to grow up and get real and not swan around in a shop job for my mental health. Why should I have good mental health when he has to hold everything together. He was headed for a good old rant so I left the room.
It really upset me though! Ifeel worthless. I realised I don’t buy anything for me, I look and feel tatty. I didn’t buy anything that I like in the supermarket even! I feel that I don’t deserve it. What’s worrying me is I headed straight for the wine and am now wide awake.

Just feel stuck! And useless. I know I have a skill set that’s traditionally freelance. But I need a job. Help! Don’t know what I’m asking for - unless someone out there is hiring!

Ditch him and start somewhere. You will move up and find your grove. He’s holding you back.

Thanks fallfallfall. For years I thought I was useless and couldn’t cope. Now I’m beginning to wonder.

Everyone can cope in the right environment and you will find yours.
If wishes could come true what would you like to do?

Don't you see he's compounding your feelings of low confidence? Every time you try to pull yourself up, he pushes you back down again.

You will be stuck in this cycle forever, feeling worthless with your self esteem trashed, if you stay with him.

Ha! Push my talents and see where I get.

Thanks Tibetan terrah.
I’m wondering if this is the case.. obviously he is frustrated at being the earner. It does feel like whenever I get somewhere there’s a row or something..and yet he really does want me to earn.

Have you got children involved?

Yes. 2 young teens.

The teens will understand. Plus you will be a true role model for them.
You never answered but what would you like to do? Do you have family support?

A partner is supossed to be a buoyancy aid not an anchor. There supossed to support you to fulfil your dreams and be a source of support.
A good partner might say its great you can do that job and see how you go for a while and then see if you can get something else later. Brilliant. I'm proud of you for trying.

My exp is like punching fog, I couldn't see what was happening but our situation was toxic. Evrything was how will this effect him not what was best for us or me.
Since leaving him I have a tempory promotion at work, started studying and I'm managing the house alone....
It's bloody hard work but it is doable.

It might be worth counselling alone to help you feel more confident or see behaviour

Have you written about this before, I recall a similar post from a woman whose controlling partner is never happy about she getting any job. BTW did you meet this man when you were in a low place yourself. Make no mistake here, he targeted you and deliberately.

Do not further allow your children here to learn such damaging lessons on relationships.

You are in a relationship with a controlling man and such behaviour from him is abusive. This relationship is over because of this. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. This individual really does want to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Do read Lundy Bancrofts book Why does he do that ?. This person you’re with is in those pages.

Thanks please add caffeine.
It sounds silly but I did wonder what partners are supposed to say!
He was getting cross in the car as I read out directions from the ohone( why did I need to?) though I have often felt grumpy, this is the first time I actually thought if we were dating I’d dump you over this.
No family. No job! Half equity in house. And that’s as far as my brain will let me go atm!

He is abusive, crushing your self worth and mental health,
I’d advise you to prepare to end it.

He is not a nice man. He is using the job issue to exert control over you and keep you down. You deserve better. You deserve someone who supports and encourages you.

Do you have friends and family you are close to OP?

Breathe... And it will be hard you will leave and then stay 1million times over in your head.
Mine made it easy in a way as he cheated and it was my hard limit. I was done and chucked his stuff out.
You can do it but it will be a challenge and he will try and stop you if he can.
We are all stronger than we think

He wants you to earn but enjoys putting you down, you're his whipping boy (girl).
He's the martyr earning the money and he's abusing you.
You do know that as a partner he's supposed to help you, build you up?
A good partner he isn't.
Take the shop job, use it as a stepping stone to something better, something that you'd enjoy.
Personally I couldn't live with someone who tried to tear me down at every opportunity.
Take the job, make a life for yourself outside of the house and outside of his control then leave the nasty bugger ❤️

Thanks atliia the meerkat. Yes I did post before - I wondered whether to say that here, but thought maybe I am being biased/ slanting the story as from his POV. He has clung on to a difficult job that he hates, and that I am not trying, so I thought I’d see from a fresh view. Ironically we both want the same thing. I can’t leave anyway till I get a job!
I’ve read Lundy, he does fit, sort of..but very mildly so.

Thanks guys. It’s good to know what I’m dealing with.

You will continue to feel worthless until you start giving your feelings worth.

You are living your life according to what he wants, what makes him happy.

What do you want? Why does he get to decide if that's valid or not? Do you genuinely think you're not actually capable of deciding what job you want? Of course you know you're capable.

Unless you think he's in charge of you, you need to start to be in charge of you. Whenever he tries to stop you, tell him you'll be making your own decisions, now. Get a job, and leave him. Your confidence will shoot up once you're away from his dragging it down.

A job isn't just about the money, a job can help your self esteem, as you feel useful, you meet new people, you learn skills, you might even be invited on a night out.
What would happen if you put your foot down and said, I really want to go for this shop job as it will get me out of the house and I will feel better about myself.
A man who loves you will support you in whatever job you want to go for.

He sounds an utter cock. What's wrong with working in a shop? You will be bringing some money in and getting your confidence back to find something that matches your skills. Being in a workplace and interacting with people is a great confidence booster , shop or not!!

Your problem is him, I can tell, he’s ground you down and held you back. You sound like me when I was bullied by my line manager, which just about says it all.

Thanks. It’s so reassuring to hear your comments!
TheFoundation, I have done and tbh, i am actually nervous about doing certain things now, you know you’ll get a row.
Bananalanacake, I hear you! I’ve told him I’ll take whatever job I want and a pert iptime job is better than none, but he doesn’t see it! He says over and over again,’it doesn’t help the family’ when I say it helps me, well, I’m just walking into the ‘why should you enjoy yourself playing at work while I worry about feeding us’ ( fair point) argument. I still don’t get why the odd few hundred a month doesn’t help, but hey.
George’s kitchen, I agree! I enjoyed my shop job even though it was basically cleaning , there’s nothing like having your own money to give a gal a boost.
Blushinggerbil im sorry you were bullied by your line manager. Partner was bullied by his and it put us through awful stress. Sympathies! What am I saying that sounds like you? If you don’t mind can you fill me in a bit. I hadn’t realised I was so ground down/ losing ough maybe I am.
Thank you everyone. I will apply for everything and fingers crossed.❤️

Well you sound like someone held back and told no, when I can see you are clearly someone intelligent capable and lovely. You sound very held back.

Thanks. I thought I was getting better but maybe not. Am nervous at going to my hobby ( which I’m good at and feeds into potential work) and am crap at getting interviews. Sigh.