Is It wrong to run when partner blows up?

[AfraidToRun]

I've name changed as I'm hugely embarrassed by this. My ex was very quick to anger over pretty much everything, if he stubbed his toe he would literally flip the table. He would throw things, punch doors that kind of thing. He would also blow up at me if I made mistakes, such as forgetting things, being late or being an actual human being with feelings and needs!

One particular day I dropped a plate and he said you did not just fucking break that plate, I just ran. How pathetic! I don't want to go into specifics as it may be outing but I was prevented from leaving the house. I was in floods of tears from just one sentence. I guess I stopped trying to run from then on and just shut down instead. To be clear he never hit me.

I'm still left with this idea that I was pathetic for trying to run when he had assured me he would never hurt me. I know fight or flight etc but I guess I still believe that I was oversensitive. I feel like I was childish for running. It was just a scream, just a kick, just a bad word, he's not angry at me just near me etc etc.

Does anyone feel similar? Is it just me?

No it’s perfectly normal. I ran, I hid in the bathroom as it was the only room with a lock. I felt ashamed that the person who was meant to love me the most was the one treating me so badly. I knew I didn’t deserve it but I was scared to be alone.

And then I found my strength and left and felt amazing. Being alone was wonderful.

Umm, he threw things and punched doors - of course you were not safe. And he used threatening language for normal mistakes? No, you weren't over sensitive.

Assuming he's an ex, well done for getting rid of him. You're probably going to spend quite a lot of time now r-looking at past events and thinking, "Oh, shit, at the time it seemed normal/I believed him but I've just realised, that's not normal at all is it?!"

But you're on the right path!!!

Have you ever had therapy? Just because it might help you come to terms with the fact that your reaction is perfectly normal. And sensible. A man who is breaking things near you is threatening you. He is showing you he uses violence when he's angry. He's showing you that he is not afraid to break things and that he wants you to be scared of him.

Him saying that he would never hit you is just words. He could have hit you. A lot of men start off hitting walls and then they hit their wives.

I hope you're free of him now.

It's a trauma response. A perfectly normal one.

Flipping tables and punching things is domestic abuse. Plain, simple and without excuse. What is unusual is that he's your ex. So many people stay in these relationships. It's great that you aren't.

Am glad to read he is your ex now. Your reaction to flee this was both wise and timely; it would have been only a matter of time before he started to hit you.

What you've described in your initial post is domestic violence. As Clymene writes such men start off hitting walls and other inanimate objects and then they hit their wives/partners.

Men like this can and do damage boundaries; I would suggest you look at and enrol yourself on to the Freedom Programme if you have not already completed this. It is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

I'm so sorry you've been through similar, @AnneLovesGilbert. I hope you are in a better place. Did you ever feel like you had over reacted or did the fear guide you? I can't remember the fear so I guess that doesn't help.

I always just thought we were as bad as eachother. I tolerated his outbursts and he tolerated my crying and other MH issues. I was not a good partner I don't think.

I've started therapy. It's really hard because there is lots I don't remember. She says it was natural to run and how stuck (literally) I would have felt. In a messed up way I always thought he had prevented me from leaving the house to protect me from myself (a big crying mess of a woman). Hearing it from a therapist doesnt seem to make me feel much better perhaps I'm still looking for someone to tell me I'm stupid rather than connecting with the fear I can't quite remember.

Sorry I'm rambling now.

Fight, flight, freeze or friend OP. These things are instinctive under pressure, you don't necessarily have conscious control over them.

He was/is physical abusive. Abusive men escalate in their behaviour. Your instinct was entirely correct.

I've done this myself. Run out of the house with a DD in tow. He used to try and stop me leaving. I used to want to just get away from the shouting and stress. I ended up calling the police 3 times as I was scared. I believe abusive shouting and putting fear into people is just as bad as hitting someone

I’m so sorry you had to put up with that from someone who was supposed to love you. It really is a head fuck isn’t it?

I was ‘lucky’ that I never lived with my ex. He would always kick off in my house so I didn’t have to run, but I did have to try and get him out, which wasn’t always easy. He would usually say “you can’t make me” like some kind of spoilt teenager - “you can just sit there and watch me NOT leaving” etc.

I called the police once and he was arrested but not charged, despite breaking the bin he’d kicked across the kitchen in my direction. And another time I locked myself in the bathroom and texted his brother, who called him and told him to calm down .

I’m ashamed I stayed with him for years after that, but when he was ok he was the loveliest sweetest man and he did seem to chill out a bit after that. Sadly after several years without such incidents, he kicked a coffee table over and a floor fan over just before Xmas so I told him to fuck off and never come back.

It’s the longest I’ve stuck to it so far without caving and getting back with him, and reading this thread has stiffened my resolve. I can’t believe only this morning that I was feeling sad about not being together, wondering if he’d ever realise what he’d done and feel any remorse for scaring me. Seeing this in black and white makes me think WTF am I even thinking?!

@RoyKentsChestHair I'm so sorry for your suffering. Stay strong. You deserve better than he can offer.

I just remembered that when we first met he used to punch himself in the head when overwhelmed, then it became objects, I suppose it could have become me eventually. Even if he told me it wouldn't.

I feel like men are allowed to express their anger with fists, when people suggest punching pillows etc it still scares me and I don't understand why it's ever recommended.

He was kicking off one day over something that really shouldn't have been anything to punch metal repeatedly over. I left to go for a walk, shaking like a leaf. I had left the house and knew I was strong enough to leave then, it took me a further six months but I did it. I didn't clean up the mess he had made either like I usually did. Neither of us did, his parents did when they visited. No-one spoke of it, I wonder what they thought had happened.

I always saw his abuse as him poorly managing his anxiety. When does it become abuse? How is that different to my own poorly managed anxiety at the time?

If you're scared to the point you try and run and are stopped from leaving it's abuse x

Some people need a physical outlet for their anger and anxiety, and that's fine. So if to deal with his he'd gone for a run, or taken himself out to the garage to press some weights or workout with a punchbag even then fair enough. At the point where he chose to display his anger in front of you - shouting, punching, throwing stuff around - that's when it becomes abusive.

My dad used to have massive tantrums when I was growing up. He was once in such a temper he put his hands round my throat. As a result I cannot tolerate this type of tantrum from a grown man. I'm OK with normal bad moods and can really stand my ground in an argument. It's just the out of control tantrums that I can't deal with. I once sat next to a colleague who was like this and I had to move desks.

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers. As children their mothers rush to fix 'whatever' when something goes wrong (and they have a tantrum like most kids). So they never learn to deal with their frustrations. And of course when they grow up mother isn't there to fix things so the tantrums continue.

Whatever causes it, I 100% understand and could never spend more than a minute near a man like that 😪

If he behaved like that at work he would have been arrested by the police and sacked for gross misconduct. Remember that. As women we are expected to accept bad behaviour from men that other men would just never accept.

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

Course you did love. The behaviour of men is always a woman's fault.

Have you ever seen the footage taken of the police of Gabby Perdito and Brian Laundrie?

Just be careful. It's not normal for someone to get so angry over a plate.

@RedBonnet

My dad used to have massive tantrums when I was growing up. He was once in such a temper he put his hands round my throat. As a result I cannot tolerate this type of tantrum from a grown man. I'm OK with normal bad moods and can really stand my ground in an argument. It's just the out of control tantrums that I can't deal with. I once sat next to a colleague who was like this and I had to move desks.

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers. As children their mothers rush to fix 'whatever' when something goes wrong (and they have a tantrum like most kids). So they never learn to deal with their frustrations. And of course when they grow up mother isn't there to fix things so the tantrums continue.

Whatever causes it, I 100% understand and could never spend more than a minute near a man like that 😪

Men who are violent learn that violence from their fathers. In domestically violent families the abused women often try and make up for their male partner’s abuse by being indulgent but they are definitely not to blame. Additionally the father’s violence doesn’t have to be physical for his son’s violence to become so. Many fathers back in the day, when they weren’t physically violent, were horrifically emotionally / financially abusive.

@Porcupineintherough

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

Course you did love. The behaviour of men is always a woman's fault.

Are you saying I didn't read it?

@ozanji my grandfather was not bad tempered or violent, not in the slightest. My grandmother did spoil my dad

That was for @ozanj

@Porcupineintherough

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

Course you did love. The behaviour of men is always a woman's fault.

Calling me 'love' is misogynistic and a term used to insult women! Not as 'feminist' as you thought you were? 🤔

Are you saying I didn't read it?

I don't think it's a case of whether you read it; more about where you read it?

How are you feeling since you've been away from him.
Do you still feel like you're crying a lot?

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

This absolutely stacks up for my ex. He used to tell me how special he was “because my mum and my Nan told me so” - only half joking. He had a superiority complex and honestly thought he was so much better than other people.

Having experienced a man putting his hands around my throat - as an escalation after hitting walls and doors etc - I was very attuned to the signs of escalating violence, and so any kind of physical aggression was unacceptable to me after that. I don’t care if DP never went on to actually hurt me, he made me feel intimidated and unsafe in my own home, in the same way as my previous abusive ex, and so he had to go. It has absolutely broken me because I loved him so much, but it was not ok. He swore blind it would never have escalated but it was already too much and he knew that from the start.

Unlike many of these men he had also acted up at work, but somehow got away with it, managing to twist it around and blame other people. He upended his bosses desk in a rage, bullied a new colleague into quitting in his first week, and making a complaint against him, called another boss a prick (which resulted in him getting a raise ) so the whole culture there supported this bullying mentality rather than punishing it.