Is It wrong to run when partner blows up?

[AfraidToRun]

I've name changed as I'm hugely embarrassed by this. My ex was very quick to anger over pretty much everything, if he stubbed his toe he would literally flip the table. He would throw things, punch doors that kind of thing. He would also blow up at me if I made mistakes, such as forgetting things, being late or being an actual human being with feelings and needs!

One particular day I dropped a plate and he said you did not just fucking break that plate, I just ran. How pathetic! I don't want to go into specifics as it may be outing but I was prevented from leaving the house. I was in floods of tears from just one sentence. I guess I stopped trying to run from then on and just shut down instead. To be clear he never hit me.

I'm still left with this idea that I was pathetic for trying to run when he had assured me he would never hurt me. I know fight or flight etc but I guess I still believe that I was oversensitive. I feel like I was childish for running. It was just a scream, just a kick, just a bad word, he's not angry at me just near me etc etc.

Does anyone feel similar? Is it just me?

@RedBonnet love is used by both men and women to both men and women in South Yorkshire. Sometimes as a term of endearment, other times when you feel the other person is being unreasonable but you want to be nice about it. As in "can you move it love, you're blocking the bus stop" (said by a policeman to a lorry driver, Glossop Road, Sheffield Sept 1990).

It's the perfect non misogynistic term round here.

@Porcupineintherough

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

Course you did love. The behaviour of men is always a woman's fault.

I think what Porcupine is commenting on is the fact that society is so quick to say that if a man is Bad then it must be a woman’s fault - ie men are naturally good until a wicked/stupid woman comes along and spoils them. As in the endless blaming of women for being raped/killed (what was she wearing? Why didn’t she hit him/run away? Etc etc).

OP, I am a ‘freezer’ rather than a runner - rabbit in headlights, can’t think can’t act. There was absolutely no conflict at home when I was growing up, it was unthinkable, and here I am at 60 still struggling to accept a bit of tension as a normal and acceptable part of any relationship. Your running was a survival instinct kicking in and your ex is a violent shit who should know better by now whatever his own background. Keep up the therapy and for a brighter future.

You have an excellent control group for the 'spoiling mother' theory, women. Do spoiled women go on to kill their partners? No. So it's not the spoiling.

Men are steeped in the patriarchy from before birth. All the things that cause emotional dysregulation, including witnessing violence, indulgent parents, some ND/MH/addiction etc. are turned outwards into violence because that's socialised in. Women are socialised to self-harm, so that's commonly what women do.

One of the reasons there are so many violent incidents with men in uniform is because their socialisation extends to their jobs as well as their lives before.

@Porcupineintherough

I once read that it is caused by men who are spoiled by their mothers

Course you did love. The behaviour of men is always a woman's fault.

Bollocks. The only person responsible for the behaviour of an adult is that adult.

DH was ‘spoilt’ by his mother and managed to never be abusive towards me.

@girlmom21

Are you saying I didn't read it?

I don't think it's a case of whether you read it; more about where you read it?

And the fact that you are repeating it on here

I think it shows that you were genuinely frightened of him.
Due to a unique combination of events in the build up my usually lovely DH got very drunk and aggressive and actually broke something by throwing it.
The difference is at no point was I frightened that he would hurt me (he didn’t need to say he wouldn’t though, I KNEW). I told him to calm the F down or get the F out. He was mortified and cleaned up and apologised to me and the DC who woke up at the noise and spent the next day fixing what he broke while still apologising.
You ran because you were afraid and you can’t be with a man who frightens you

I've stopped crying. I'm mostly just numb. It was his house and so I guess running was also an acknowledgement that it wasn't my safe space. It never felt like my home (for many reasons that would be too outing to go into).

His mother is lovely. I like her but I worry about her. Her husband is not a nice man and I can see my ex has a LOT of issues with his Dad. There was one weird day when my ex swore at his mother and his dad hit the roof and there was a big blow up. I know enough about his Dad's language to know that they were basically
fighting over who got to call her stupid. When we would visit his parents sometimes I would leave my coat on because I knew there would be an argument I would be told to get in the fucking car and off we would go. It seemed pointless to make myself comfortable.

I didn't have much interaction with his siblings so don't really know if they're similar. He's the youngest and the others had moved away but are all married with children. Happily I hope.

By the end I stopped running. I guess I knew he would always get to the front door before me. There were so many times I would tell myself to shut down, numb it all out and start again tomorrow. It's a habit I can't break. My memory is awful and I'm being referred to a memory clinic to just be sure it's not something else.

Sounds like a classic trauma response. I hope you get some help from the memory clinic and that you start to heal from this abuse. Even just a few weeks on from the start of this thread I can feels things changing in me. Hope you are too