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Original poster

Adhd and messaging

29 replies

Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 07:33

Sorry me again re new adhd partner

I really like. It’s moving towards love.
But I need to understand more about adhd before I really commit.

Messaging. If you have adhd - how do you see messaging? As a chore? Don’t like it? Struggle with it? How should I communicate over messaging? Keep it simple and short?

I am a very long winded and chatty messanger by Nature and he takes an age to respond and then doesn’t answer most of my questions or comments…

OP posts:
Booboo24 · 07/02/2022 07:41

My daughter has ADHD, she ignores many messages altogether, especially group chats as she can't keep up with them. She'll answer for so long and then get frustrated. I would say short messages that are to the point, otherwise (for my daughter anyway) they zone out

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 07:44

Thank you
Does she like receiving them of there was no expectation to respond?
Or is a long message still a stress

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 07/02/2022 07:51

If you know you're long winded, can you make an effort to reel it in?
Even long posts on here make me stop reading and click away.

crosbystillsandmash · 07/02/2022 07:53

Dh has adhd. He finds messaging difficult, partly because he will read a message, become distracted and then totally forget about it!

Having said that, in the early days of our relationship he made an extra effort to reply swiftly and send lovely messages etc
I realise now that this was a huge thing for him and long term totally unsustainable but he didn't want to ruin things in the early days and to a certain extent was hiding all his 'difficulties'

I now understand him, I call rather than text if it's something that needs an immediate answer. If I text him during the day to say I love him etc, he'll reply eventually but because we've been together for a long time, the radio silence doesn't bother me in the way it would in a new relationship!

crosbystillsandmash · 07/02/2022 07:55

Also, any long messages I break down into small paragraphs and leave gaps between each to make it easier for him to read.
I now do it automatically (see my last post!)

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 08:03

Thank you all
@crosbystillsandmash

Any other advice??

OP posts:
36degrees · 07/02/2022 08:11

I quite often have to put my phone onto do not disturb if I'm doing a specific piece of work and need to stay focused. I do flag this with people I'm close enough with to expect frequent messages from.

I also find it really draining and intellectually demanding to do a lot of back and forth messaging and when I ask for a phone call it's usually because I am completely worn out trying to understand tone, I quite often think my partner is cross with me over messages even when he's not.

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 08:15

This is so helpful

Would you enjoy long and chatty messages even if no expectation of a response?

I am a planner. I like putting things in the diary in the coming weeks / months
How would this sit with you?

OP posts:
LemonVillage · 07/02/2022 08:18

@Toanewstart23

This is so helpful

Would you enjoy long and chatty messages even if no expectation of a response?

I am a planner. I like putting things in the diary in the coming weeks / months
How would this sit with you?

Google calendar?
Booboo24 · 07/02/2022 08:23

Planning is great and much needed, I find it helps my daughter to know exactly what is happening and when, and as much as possible we stick to the plans already made as changes to this throw her off. Obviously I talking about a teenager though and don't have any experience of adults adhd

Mabelface · 07/02/2022 08:24

I don't like long messages via text. It feels like a demand on me, even if it's not meant to be. I prefer short messages, or even a WhatsApp voice message that 8 can come back to when I'm ready luckily, my friends understand me

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 08:25

Good to know @Mabelface

And planning things in advance? Or rather not?

OP posts:
crosbystillsandmash · 07/02/2022 08:42

@Toanewstart23

Thank you all *@crosbystillsandmash*

Any other advice??

Where do you want me to start?! Obviously adhd isn't the same for everyone, dh struggles every single day and I won't lie, both our lives would be so much easier if he didn't have it.
NumericalBlock · 07/02/2022 08:56

I find long blocks of text difficult to read and I will often stop reading part-way through or forget the whole message and not respond.

In theory I'd prefer a few short but sweet messages to respond to (and I'll often use the reply to message function to quote the message I'm responding to) but if there are too many I end up overwhelmed.

If I have a lot of chats popping up I will mute them or just ignore them when I inevitably get overwhelmed too.

I'll generally go back and respond to what I need to later on, as long as I remember to anyway. I'd get stressed if somebody was bugging me about a response though, no pressure to respond and a gentle reminder to respond to time sensitive information or plans if needed at the end of the day.

Like Crosby's husband, I'll often get distracted whilst responding to things and then forget bout them.

RE planning, it helps me a lot.

Newnamefor2021 · 07/02/2022 08:59

I have no issue with messaging or the length of messages but if I get distracted I can forget it. The amount of times I've replied to people but forget to press send is also insane.

Inspectorslack · 07/02/2022 09:01

Everyone with ADHD is different. Ask your boyfriend how he feels.

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 09:18

@crosbystillsandmash

Anything really
I feel a little… lost

OP posts:
crosbystillsandmash · 07/02/2022 09:49

[quote Toanewstart23]@crosbystillsandmash

Anything really
I feel a little… lost[/quote]
The trouble is, adhd is very individual, your dp will be very different to my dh!
Is he on any medication? This has made a huge difference to our lives but again not everyone with adhd gets on with taking medication for it!

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 12:06

Thank you

What are the positives to being in a relationship with someone with Adhd??

OP posts:
PutYourBackIntoit · 07/02/2022 12:21

You need to get to know him more, rather than a generic adhd profile. He may be more inattentive than impulsive for example, or vise versa.

For me, I HATE phonecalls. They distract me from my task. So I don't answer, then I worry that I'll forget to phone the caller back, or worse worry that I'll forget to add to my to do list. I let people down and I really hate that.

I much prefer messages. I prefer them if they are short and sweet, if you need info from me. If they're to tell me how much you love me, funny stories, general chewing the cud, they can be as long winded as you like! I will really appreciate them.

You will certainly have some surprises in a relationship with someone with adhd, and not always bad ones Grin

You will almost certainly find there is an adhd superpower, but I'll let you discover that for yourself.

Planning - I know I need to do it but I don't like it. I need to factor in lots of rest days, to catch my breath. Google calendar and mindful chef along with meds is my lifetime....oh and a patient partner with a lot of love to give and a big sense of humour.

Original poster
Toanewstart23 · 07/02/2022 12:22

I love you post thanks

OP posts:
TheLoupGarou · 07/02/2022 12:23

I don't deal well with long messages - I find walls of text difficult and it takes me an age to organise my thoughts to reply. I would say I am a functional rather than a chatty texter - although I could cope with short bursts of chats.

ADHD for me is mostly poor memory/concentration and poor executive function plus easily get overwhelmed - I can overcome this to an extent (eg at work) by mega-concentration and learned techniques (not medicated) but I do find this exhausting.

People with ADHD are all individual humans, I don't really know what to say about benefits to being in a relationship with one of us! Not boring? Up for trying new things?

Oh, and I like having things planned in advance. That's just me though.

TheLoupGarou · 07/02/2022 12:28

For me, things I have to do go in one of two mental boxes - the 'now' box (to deal with immediately) and the 'not now' box. Things in the 'not now' box' can stay there for a very, very long time.

Calendars and planners and diaries are completely essential for me. I would remember nothing without them.

ABitOfAShitShow · 07/02/2022 12:30

It’ll probably be fine at first because we generally like excitement and novelty - then it’ll dwindle. Unless they’re busy or overwhelmed, in which case they might not want to text at that moment and then forget to come back to it later. Depends on the tone of the text too. Everyone is different though.

Unlike a previous poster, I absolutely hate voice messages on WhatsApp.

I also like a stream of little of little messages rather than one big one. Easier to digest.

NumericalBlock · 07/02/2022 18:36

@Toanewstart23

Thank you

What are the positives to being in a relationship with someone with Adhd??

What are the positives to being in a relationship with somebody who is neurotypical? It's entirely dependant on the person. Everybody with ADHD is different and it affects them in different ways. But then everybody is different anyway. You care for the person and work out the positives of the relationship with them, not their diagnosis.
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