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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does your DH constantly dominate?

28 replies

howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 13:47

I don’t know what to do about my husband. He’s become very difficult to live with. Uncompromising, belligerent, telling me what to do. I’ve had enough. For example when I’m driving it’s “park here” “keep going” “watch that bus” I don’t know if this is normal but it’s destroying my self esteem and self confidence and I don’t want to have sex with him anymore. Why is he acting like this? How do I change it? I’m having to constantly deflect criticism and everything he talks about is a negative towards me. It’s not overt but it’s there. Theres no positivity or fun or good humour. What does this mean?

OP posts:
Haggisfish3 · 06/02/2022 13:49

It means I’d leave. Sod that. It’s not going to get any better and he’s not going to change. My dh wouldn’t dream of speaking like that.

Itwasntmeright · 06/02/2022 13:52

I’ve had this, you can’t change it and it won’t change. It’s a fundamental lack of respect, you can’t fix that.

Shakirasma · 06/02/2022 13:52

Marriage is a partnership. If my DH became incapable of respecting me as an equal in that partnership I would leave him.

bigbird50 · 06/02/2022 14:01

He sounds truly awful. Have you spoken to him about how your feeling? If your unable to speak to him then I think your going to have to make a decision about your future. Living with someone who is negative, critical and feels he needs to tell you what to do is soul destroying. My OH was like this and he used to pride himself at having me as I am a strong woman and can put him in his place. What he hadnt realised is that it was draining, i didnt want to live like this, we just ended up having heated arguments. He sucked the joy out of life. Just wasnt healthy- he ended up getting sick and is a shadow of his former self but if it hadnt been for that I would have left.

Pinkdelight3 · 06/02/2022 14:30

It's not normal and even if it was, no one should have to put up with it. At a push you could say it's normal to take people for granted more after time and some people get grumpier as they age, but still, you don't have to be on the receiving end. Talk to him about it, lay down your boundaries about how you'll be treated, and if he can't manage some mutual respect - if he doesn't even like you any more - then it's over.

Original poster
howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 14:35

Wow. Thanks for the replies. I haven’t even told you all the half of it. I feel so depressed and trapped. I have no access to the family assets. I don’t know how I let it get this bad. I don’t have the courage or support network to do anything about it. I’m old and tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 14:36

I can’t raise it with him because he becomes angry and defensive and withdraws all friendship/communication. It’s debilitating and I can’t do my job in that atmosphere. It’s horrific.

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/02/2022 14:53

If you're married and you have no access to the family assets, that could be financial abuse. I think you need to be planning your exit from this marriage. This is not normal behaviour in a relationship, nor is it acceptable.

bluejelly · 06/02/2022 14:54

I wouldn't raise it with him. I would make plans to leave and ask trusted friends for support.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 14:56

It means your marriage needs to be over. He's your warden, not your husband. Get a solicitor, they will advise you on what needs to be done.

DowntonCrabby · 06/02/2022 14:58

I wouldn’t put up with this. Men like this also become progressively more belligerent with age as well.

You deserve better OP Flowers

bigbird50 · 06/02/2022 15:47

Sounds like you need to speak to the police as he sounds like he is financially abusive aswell as emotionally. Coersive control...this is taken seriously

Original poster
howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 16:17

I just can’t stand the constant berating and moaning. Today has been constant. I’m drained. I can’t do my job properly or interact with other people normally. I just can’t break away though. I have nowhere to go. Has anyone got out of this kind of situation?

OP posts:
layladomino · 06/02/2022 16:34

I would suggest going to see a solicitor to see where you would stand financially if you divorced. You will feel better when you are armed with some facts about what to expect if you separate.

Is there any reason left in him? Is there any chance of him listening and trying to make changes if he understood that he is at risk of losing you?

Although for now I wouldn't suggest telling him you're seeking legal advice. There's no benefit in him knowing.

What I do know is that someone who treats you like this doesn't respect you or see you as their equal.

Eyeofstorm · 06/02/2022 16:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn

WineThenMisletoe · 06/02/2022 17:19

He is destroying you. There is only one option here

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 17:31

I’m sure people with experience will be along with advice, but what I’d do is

  • access the freedom programme online
  • pull all the financial info you can - mortgage, assets, pensions, salary for both of you - if it’s a guess, don’t worry
  • go see a solicitor and find out how assets would be split.
  • hatch a plan on how you would leave if you decided to.

And then have a think

It’s only going to get worse OP and you do not have to live like this

bluejelly · 06/02/2022 17:39

I got out of a bad/abusive relationship by talking it through with a counsellor, alone. They helped me process it and build up the courage. A good friend could also help. As can mumsnet. You can do it, believe in yourself Smile

Original poster
howtoleaveit · 06/02/2022 17:39

Thank you all for your advice

OP posts:
Icepinkeskimo · 06/02/2022 18:07

I had this with my ex, it just totally took any confidence I may have had. It started gradually and then it was every single day. Relentless vile comments, nothing was right. My driving, my looks, my career, the house. In fact every single part of my life was ripped apart by his vile disgusting mouth.

The vindictiveness was off the scale, after one particular episode when he almost spontaneously combusted (I was to long at the supermarket) it turned physical. It was then I had that one moment of clarity and that was it.

Very calmly told him he was moving out on Friday and if not I would be calling the police. He thought I was bluffing but I really was not. Nothing could be worse than that existence, nothing.

He packed up and left on the Friday morning.

OP I'm writing this because I don't want you to go through the same. Every morning I would wake up dreading the day. Make a plan and please don't stay with someone who makes you feel so downtrodden, you deserve happiness.

HollowTalk · 06/02/2022 18:12

What is your situation? Do you have children? Do you own or rent your home? Do you work?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2022 18:20

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. As HollowTalk has already asked what is your situation re property and finances?.

It means he has no respect for you whatsoever; he regards you as lower than low. Talking to him about how you feel will have no affect on him whatsoever.

He feels entitled to act as he does and he feels he is doing nothing wrong here re you. He also has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, because you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour (thats why he gets defensive). This is abusive behaviour from him towards you, abuse is not solely physical in nature and is about power and control.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/02/2022 18:23

You have posted on here so you can use your thread as a virtual support. You have to take the first, often the most hardest of steps out of this on your own but it can be done and you're really not too old or too tired to do this; he has just made you feel those ways. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

BOOTS52 · 06/02/2022 18:44

As other's have offered good advice and please take it. He has broken your spirit and confidence and you feel that you can not do it on your own. Believe me you can and the first steps will be the hardest but the relief afterwards and the peace of mind and you will start to feel like your old self. You need some support so please there are plenty of helplines and that should be your first step as this is abuse, emotional and coercive abuse. He is a narcissist bully and he will never change but get worse. Do not let him know how you are feeling but plan things for your escape. You need to get finances in order and see a solicitor. Is there anyone you can trust in real life to talk to also. I am talking from experience and am staying single forever as he stole my spirit and confidence and I went from been a bubble person and content to a lost broken soul. But have peace of mind now and can eat, sleep when I want and not been criticized or put down all the time or undermined as they take away your self belief and confidence so they feel better. Please take the first steps phone a helpline, talk to somebody, do you have children? We have only one life so please make a difference to yours and do not look back.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 18:46

I hope you can gradually work through the advice and get out Op. it is doable, no matter how hard it seems. People are very supportive on here. Flowers

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