How did your children cope after your amicable divorce?

[Mumof3confused]

I am on the verge of separating with my husband of 15 years. We have 3 children between 6-12. My main worry is the children but I hope we will be able to manage to divorce amicably. We are mostly separating due to growing apart, no abuse or anything like that.

I am feeling a bit selfish about wanting this separation, I’ve never really put my needs first (one or the main issues in my relationship - I think my H would really like me to just get back in my box and start to please everyone else as he is used to).

I suppose what I would like to know, is whether someone in my situation has been through it and actually, the kids were ok.

I am hoping to keep the house to minimise disruption to the children but this may be impossible.

The biggest thing my DD struggles with is why we split if we still see each other occasionally, can have fun and get on. From a child's point of view, maybe it's easier to understand if your parents are happier apart but when she sees we get along when together she automatically assumes it would be like that if we were still together and she's having to shuttle back and forth between two parents who like rather than hate each other. She's 9 now, 4 when we split. XH has a new partner but I don't.

@dreamsarefree I can see why this would be really confusing for her, but clearly better than you hating each other so much that you couldn’t be civil. I am really worried about the shuttling back and forth generally and struggling so much with the guilt around this.

We've tried various different routines over five years depending on work and school circumstances at the time and she's never 100% happy with any of them because she misses the other parent. As much as you try and be positive about it being great that she loves us both so much, it never gets rid of her feeling like something is missing. With hindsight maybe we should have made more of an effort to gradually spend time apart or alternate between the family home and perhaps a two bed flat where you and XH each have a room. Wouldn't work for everyone but would definitely be worth considering to not disrupt three children.

I’ve thought about the nesting option but I don’t think it would work very well. I am the one who is always in charge of ‘adulting’ so adding a second property to my load just feels wrong. Also, I don’t think it would allow either of us to truly move on.

The main problem for children is conflict so as long as you both keep this to a minimum and as far away from them as possible then everything else is manageable.

Whilst everything is still amicable get a hold of a Parenting Plan (you can download one from the Scottish government website) and sit with your ex and fill it out. It covers everything from living arrangements, to financial arrangements and even how to deal with a time when new partners arrive on the scene. I know it might sound premature but having this conversation now when feeling aren't hurt is helpful. Then once you have made the decisions, sit down with the children together and go through the plan with them. Children respond well to knowing what is going to happen next. Let your older child make some decisions - nothing too challenging like living arrangements, but it might help them to feel like they have some control over a situation they don't want.

And remember children are almost always better off with two happy separated parents than two miserable together ones. Good luck.

Ex H and I did nesting for a year. It was a good transition but I found it unbearable after a while and I really couldn't move on

One other through. You might find that you don't feel quite as amicable towards your stbxh as you think you do. Having your needs and wishes ignored over a long period of time is damaging and you might be quite angry. I was.

One other thought

That’s a really good tip, thank you 🙏

I split with my husband (for unbelievable cheating) 1 year ago, leaving me with the 2 children.

I, too, did all the 'adulting' - he barely bothered with them towards the end, and honestly, the kids didn't even notice for a couple of months that he was gone (he'd travelled for work quite a bit before, and never bothered to call them then either). The youngest didn't care at all when I told them, the eldest cried from the shock, but then came to me a few days later and said that I was right, it actually made no difference at all.

1 year on, and after abandoning them for 6 months, he sees them once a week for an evening/day (DS1 recently did an overnight, but youngest won't - and they're horrified at the thought of longer with him), they play computer games and eat junk food, and that's enough contact for them. Day to day for me is largely as it was before (a bit more restricted as if I want to leave the house after dark/for longer than an hour I have to find someone to babysit them)

I have no tips. I actually consider myself lucky that I barely speak to him, makes it much easier as I'm not tempted to lose my temper, or beg for anything. I just get on with it, enforce my boundaries, and remain completely reasonable but not accommodating so I know that when it comes to the crunch, I can live with my behaviour.

but again, the kids, I'm their constant, he never was, and they just don't care as long as I am there for them.

My divorce was not remotely amicable, although DD has no recollection of any fighting (we never did in front of her) and is still confused as to why we split up when we were so happy. As I have not gone into detail, she thinks it was my choice and has blamed me for ruining her happy family. We also had to sell the house and she and I now rent and she is resentful that our circumstances changed so significantly.
Still worth divorcing though!

@sunshineforest

One other through. You might find that you don't feel quite as amicable towards your stbxh as you think you do. Having your needs and wishes ignored over a long period of time is damaging and you might be quite angry. I was.

Yes, I do feel angry after the couples counselling but I do believe we could still get over that and be civil for the sake of the children. I feel that once we have ‘uncoupled’ we may be able to be quite friendly. It does depend on him though, he does not want to separate.

@QuinkWashable my OH is very hands on and around a lot. I expect we will have them 50:50.

@Imsittinginthekitchensink It’s good you managed to keep that separate from her. I’m glad to hear you’ve got no regrets though!

We did nesting for a year and it was a good transition

@Middleagedfemaleangst that’s good to hear. Dish you rent a flat separately? How did the children feel about you having a separate home which they never visited?

@Mumof3confused we already had a rental property so gave notice to the tenants. Occasionally I’d do a weekend with the kids in the flat if exDH wanted to have people in the big house and they loved it as it was like going on holiday even though they had to camp on the floor.

@Middleagedfemaleangst ah that makes sense. We do have a flat as well but it’s about a 40-minute train ride away. Also I work from home.

I imagine nesting would be very difficult if/when one of you meets someone else.

If there's no huge rush, then take your time with things like the house. I've stayed in the family home for over a year while we figure things out. It's now up for sale and the next decision is made but we needed to take our time and it helped the kids.

Learn to pick your arguments! I ignore some comments, it's just not worth it.

Be prepared for him to move on quickly. It feels weird, even if you don't want him. But as long as he is respectful about it, consider him being happy as helpful to you (less bitterness).

We only tell the kids what's happening when we either know or it's already in place. So 'dad is moving out' means he had already found a place etc it cuts down on uncertainty.

And keep in mind, you deserve to be happy. You might find friends aren't over the moon or even that supportive- for some you're shining a light on their crappy relationships and they aren't doing what you're doing. You'll find allies in the strangest of places!

I divorced my wife, there were arguments in the beginning and she did attempt to provoke me via her solicitors with daft letters. That all eventually calmed down.

In the end, it took less than 9 months, we split parenting 50-50, neither of us micromanage the other. Three to four yrs later her life is her life, what goes on in my house is my business and vice versa. There's no bickering, sniping, nothing, everyone said what they had to say in the initial stages.

We're both very flexible, we do a week on and a week off and live 2 miles apart in the same district.
We've both moved on with other people.
The kids are fine, certainly, for us, the children are the centerpiece for life balance.

My divorce was very amicable and the kids do 50/50. There’s no maintenance payments from either side. The kids never witnessed us arguing. There’s still been trauma and issues with them. Is it the divorce that caused it? Who knows?

@StormBaby

My divorce was very amicable and the kids do 50/50. There’s no maintenance payments from either side. The kids never witnessed us arguing. There’s still been trauma and issues with them. Is it the divorce that caused it? Who knows?

It's so hard to know, with so many variables like age and gender too. My parents separated when I was a teenager, my brother went off the rails, I was largely unscathed. We did take things differently- his interpretation is different to mine and that might have been his age. But he's one of the most self people I've ever met, so he might just have that personality type!

@Getbehindme at what point did you tell kids/family/friends that you were separating? Did one of you move on whilst still living together? Or did he move out to rented? I just can’t figure out how we will parent 50:50 when we can’t finance two properties large enough for 3 children.

@StormBaby and @Getbehindme this is my biggest worry. My youngest is so emotional already. But is that partly because she is picking up on how unhappy I am/we are? We don’t argue in front of them but we are also not affectionate, laughing etc as we used to. I am able to relax and have fun much more when he’s not around.

I’m 16 months post split now with 3 young children. When ex first left we told the dc he was working away (that wasn’t unusual) but they’d still see him. Then once he’d got himself a house etc we told them, so was about 6 weeks. We said we didn’t love each other like we used to and wanted to live apart.
They’ve adjusted really well, I do mostly everything and he has them once or twice a week.
The dc do occasionally say they don’t want to go, and I never force them. I’ve always told them if they don’t want to stay out they don’t have to, they’re all home bodies like me!
Equally if they want an extra night with ex, they have it.
As mine are quite young, it helped them that ex’s house was ready for them - new bedrooms, toys, new garden etc so they were excited the first time they went round.
Ex is still incapable of adulting which is frustrating the hell out of me, and the dc are picking up on that and say things like “mummy is more organised” in regards to meals, washing etc but I’m trying to let it wash over me!

One other thing - I’m much more of a fun mummy now he isn’t here. I’m not constantly pissed off like I used to be and they dc definitely notice. It’s a fun, relaxed house now. My oldest told me yesterday that I smile and laugh with them more now which broke me a little bit but it’s def true.