How did your children cope after your amicable divorce?

[Mumof3confused]

I am on the verge of separating with my husband of 15 years. We have 3 children between 6-12. My main worry is the children but I hope we will be able to manage to divorce amicably. We are mostly separating due to growing apart, no abuse or anything like that.

I am feeling a bit selfish about wanting this separation, I’ve never really put my needs first (one or the main issues in my relationship - I think my H would really like me to just get back in my box and start to please everyone else as he is used to).

I suppose what I would like to know, is whether someone in my situation has been through it and actually, the kids were ok.

I am hoping to keep the house to minimise disruption to the children but this may be impossible.

[quote Mumof3confused]@Getbehindme at what point did you tell kids/family/friends that you were separating? Did one of you move on whilst still living together? Or did he move out to rented? I just can’t figure out how we will parent 50:50 when we can’t finance two properties large enough for 3 children.[/quote]
First 3 months in the same house, then him to rented which is a stretch for him financially. Over time we reduced his contribution to this house to just the mortgage and insurance, as he wants to benefit from the equity but I pay for my electricity etc even though my bills are big cause its a big house. Being amicable has meant compromise but its all swings and roundabouts.

His rental is close by which has eased the transition for all, but it's a false economy in the longer run as I can afford this house, or any other house in the area. But I still think we've done it the right way for our kids and set up and that's unique to us as it is you.

Sorry, other questions you asked - we told family after a couple of months (we were not in great shape but also had an incident/breach of trust)of trying but coming to the realisation that it was over. Then friends at the point that we separated into rooms - we also told our kids at that point. Acquaintances are still finding out now! We've never 'announced' it to the world, but now he has a partner and I'm moving so it may still take people by surprise!

@Mummysgonetobed

One other thing - I’m much more of a fun mummy now he isn’t here. I’m not constantly pissed off like I used to be and they dc definitely notice. It’s a fun, relaxed house now. My oldest told me yesterday that I smile and laugh with them more now which broke me a little bit but it’s def true.

Agreed, a lightness!

Our kids are primary school age and they were fine. We only told them when I was ready to move out. Eldest had lots of questions, youngest didn't seem too fussed.
They were a little unsettled for the first few months but not massively so. They did try really hard to play us off against each other to begin with e.g. "daddy let's us have as many sweets as we want, we're going to live with him", but good communication between us put a stop to that pretty quick. They also went through a stage of not wanting to go to their dad's but I feel that they're still too young to make that decision so I always encourage them to go. We still occasionally do stuff the 4 of us and the dcs never think that this will lead to us getting back together. We told close friends we split up but a lot of acquaintances still think we're together because I can't be bothered with explaining it to everyone. One of the school mums saw me with my boyfriend the other day and then very pointedly asked me how my husband was when I saw her next, so maybe I should start telling people! I just think it's none of their business.
The dcs absolutely love my bf, although eldest felt a bit sad for ex that I'd moved on and he hadn't, he was easily reassured though.
I do think it's easier if your children are younger when you split and the right personality helps too!

@FlamingoYellow that comment re your husband cracked me up!!

That’s amazing to hear how well some of your children have adjusted. My youngest (7) burst into tears the other day and said ‘mummy you never laugh anymore’ which broke my heart into a million pieces and made me realise that the whole ‘staying together for the sake of the children’ isn’t really something that would work for us.

For those with 3 children, how have you managed the living arrangements - we can’t afford 2 x 4-beds in our very affluent area. I don’t know what’s best in this scenario. I would like one of us to be able to stay in the family home but that would mean the other partner living in quite a small flat, max 2-bed.

I’ve stayed in the family home and ex has a 3 bed rental in the next town which is more affordable than where I am. I didn’t want him too close to us, so he’s about 10 minutes away.

I was worried about my dc missing their dad but to be honest they’ve never really asked after him, even when he first left. My eldest occasionally says he misses him but the younger two don’t seem bothered.

I did also tell school/nursery at the time so they could also look out for any signs of upset (there have been none!)

Our split after 20 years was very amicable. Our sons were 14 and 10.
When we told them we couldn't live together anymore, their primary concern was whether we could finally get a puppy as soon as dad moved out!

The kids and I stayed in the marital home. Ex-DP bought a place nearby.
He has them EOW and once during the week but that's very flexible. We've told them that they can choose to stay the night at either home.

We spend time as a family... watching their football matches, going out to eat, Christmas, parents evenings.

As far as I can see the split doesn't appear to have affected them. 2.5 years later, we're all doing ok.

I think that children follow the parents' lead. If you're calm and unfazed about it, they will be too.