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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband and coworker

28 replies

Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 09:37

Morning all, looking for some advice please. My husband has struck up a friendship with a woman in work, they were both managers in different parts of the country,wouldn't have had much contact with each other throughout the years. She recently got promoted, and they worked together on a project. Since then, he talks about her a lot, and just before Christmas they had a conference in Dublin. Despite all their colleagues being in the head office that day, they went for lunch together alone, but my husband lied to me and said he went with a male colleague. I know he lied because he left his work phone unlocked on the counter when he got home and I checked it quickly, a message from her asking to meet for lunch. Why the need to lie to me? My gut is screaming at me that they are getting close, so I checked his work phone this morning and they talk almost everyday, at least once a day. They are literally in completely different sections of the business now, and wouldn't have reason to talk to each other all the time. The calls are usually about 20 minutes long. Am I being unreasonable or what??

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun76 · 06/02/2022 09:41

I'd usually advise to trust your gut!

Rainbowqueeen · 06/02/2022 09:42

Ask him how he would feel if you were behaving this way with a colleague. Make it clear that you and your marriage deserve better.

Buildingthefuture · 06/02/2022 09:50

Trust your gut. I think it’s fine for my DH to go for lunch with female work colleagues, but it would not be fine for him to lie to me about it. You obviously suspected something because you were checking his phone. If you think something is off, it probably is. So can you ask him what it’s all about?

Crikeyalmighty · 06/02/2022 11:32

It’s not ok OP because I can bet your bottom dollar he doesn’t bring it up in conversation— it’s a secretive infatuation even if nothing flirty is going on — men just don’t make the time and effort at this level with women unless there is some kind of connection or it’s a very old friendship with a lot of history and I can bet you she isn’t Maureen aged 63 . Get to the bottom of it now— I found out about something similar 10 years after it was going on as he wrote stuff that I found— and I saw him in a whole new light— and it changed how I felt . We are still married but it certainly killed that feeling of ‘special’ — any special friendship they lie about - there’s a reason

CrystalCoco · 06/02/2022 11:47

This is how it starts.

SunflowerTed · 06/02/2022 13:07

Be very vigilant. You know deep down where this is heading

Magda72 · 06/02/2022 13:11

If he's lying he's feeling guilty. Even if hasn't technically 'done' anything the need to hide it from you screams he knows the way he feels about this woman is wrong.
Trust you gut @Jlk37.
I've been there, done that & worn the T-shirt & if I'd listened to my gut I'd have saved myself years of heartbreak.

2DogsOnMySofa · 06/02/2022 13:51

He's lied about meeting another woman and lied by default about engaging in communication that's at an inappropriate level. In your shoes I'd spell out to him he's on the cusp of losing his relationship with you, for the sake of another woman.

Maze76 · 06/02/2022 16:09

Nip it In the bud now.. as a previous poster said - this is how it starts.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2022 16:20

@Maze76

Nip it In the bud now.. as a previous poster said - this is how it starts.
How is she going to do that without owning up to the fact she has been through his phone?
Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 16:25

Your husband is playing with fire. The lies are a massive red flag.

Original poster
Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 16:49

Thanks for the replies ladies. I pulled him on the lie about lunch, I just said I had a feeling he was lying to me, so he came clean. Used the excuse that he didn't want me to feel upset about his friendship with her due to past experiences with another colleague (in a nutshell they became friendly, a few invites for drinks from her, he always declined, but in saying that he definitely could have nipped it). Anyway, when all that happened I asked him to look at his boundaries and be more aware of things that would make me feel uncomfortable or disrespected. So he said he didn't tell me about the lunch because he was worried it would upset me. This woman is also married, lives in a different part of the country. He always calls her by her full name, it's strange because to me it seems maybe he does that to kinda distance himself when talking about her, make it less personal. I've checked their WhatsApp messages and nothing incriminating, mostly work talk,a bit of banter thrown in. They seem very supportive of each other, messaging good luck on big days, telling each other how wonderful they are at their job kinda stuff. But as I said earlier, they work in completely different departments now, last week they spoke 10 times throughout the week, not sure what exactly they would have to talk about so frequently. He has a big meeting in another county on Tuesday, I'll bet any money there will be calls between them, it's as if they have this 'work spouse' thing going on. Should I keep quiet, perhaps check his call log Tuesday to see if they spoke much, and then bring it up???

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 06/02/2022 16:52

All this checking will drive you mad
You have no guarantee that he is not deleting calls so unless you have access to his bill you won’t know anyway
It sounds as if you don’t trust him so what you do next is up to you

layladomino · 06/02/2022 16:58

His excuse is lousy - it's not a logical excuse...

He's saying that because he showed you in the past that he's not entirely trustworthy, he thought the right thing to do this time was to lie to you.

Is he a bit dim? Doesn't he know that if you've given someone reason to question your trustworthiness in the past, you go to great lengths to be 100% honest with them?

It's a lousy excuse. The only reason he lied is because he didn't want you to know, because he knew he was up to no good. You don't talk to someone 10 times in a week unless you are very close (or getting close).

I'm not saying this to try to upset you, but your gut is telling you that someone's amiss and I can see why.

Is he aware that you know how often they talk?

Original poster
Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 17:13

Yes given the past, you'd imagine honesty would be priority. He has no idea that I know they are speaking so much. I just don't know what to do now, head is melted

OP posts:
Antst · 06/02/2022 17:15

GrazingSheep is right. You don't trust him and frankly, based on what you've said, I wouldn't either.

He's turning things around on you when he says that he has been cagey because he didn't want to upset you. If he didn't want to upset you, he wouldn't be lying and he would not be prioritizing his relationships with other women over your marriage.

I'm someone who has friendships with men because I mostly work with men. When I want to see them, I usually invite them out with their wives and/or other friends. I have no need to see them alone. The other day, I went to a coffee shop with a male friend from work and no one else. We were in a public place though, it was during work hours, we discussed work, and I know in my gut that I am not interested in him and he is not interested in me. I heard him on the phone telling his wife he was at coffee with me. Contrast all that with how your husband is behaving. I think you know something is up.

It's not about finding evidence. Like GrazingSheep said, he can cover his tracks if he likes. The bottom line is that you don't trust him. You don't need to apologize for that by making a big deal out of checking his phone or bugging him after you've just had a discussion about this. You checked his phone because you don't trust him and it's reasonable not to trust him based on his behaviour.

I would tell him this is still a problem for you and you both need to figure out where to go next. Maybe that's counselling, since he doesn't seem to be taking what you're saying seriously. Even if they haven't had sex, it sure sounds like they're developing a deep emotional connection. That's often a prelude to an affair and it's no fun to see him having fun with her and feeling left out. Ask yourself if he is as enthusiastic about contacting you with sweet nothings as he is about contacting her. Doesn't seem like it. I'm sorry you're in this situation. Keep an eye on it. It's not a healthy way to feel.

Rosebuud · 06/02/2022 17:17

Honestly, all you will do is make him hide it and lie. He will just do better at that, delete everything.

If he’s going to cheat he’s going to cheat, you either trust him or you don’t. I think you don’t. Banning him from seeing her will do nothing.

Original poster
Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 17:23

You're right, I don't trust him to be honest,what happened with his other colleague before rattled me (on one occasion they went for dinner and drinks alone while away at a work do, despite dozens of other colleagues staying at the same hotel). So I haven't fully trusted him since. This relationship he has with this woman seems to be close, like they have a really close connection. Of course I looked her up on Facebook, and typically she's a looker 🙈 I'm torn as to what to do

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 06/02/2022 17:38

He’s not learned his lesson from last time, has he? He should know he’s being pretty inappropriate.

Antst · 06/02/2022 17:42

@Jlk37, don't feel like you have to have a plan now. It sounds like you're coming to terms with the fact that you don't trust him.

Don't do anything dramatic. Spend some time thinking about whether you want to keep putting up with this. I wouldn't judge if you decided it is worth staying with him.

Sometimes it can take a while to adjust to a new reality and if you suspect you might not be able to trust him again, don't feel like you have to make any sudden decisions about how to proceed.

Original poster
Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 17:43

Very sound advice, thanks so much, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
ChickenStripper · 06/02/2022 18:14

So he is basically saying that because he was pulled up on it before he has hidden it - he has passed the blame onto you because "you would be upset". How about him NOT doing inappropriate things?

Is he aware that you go through his phone and have read their messages?

Original poster
Jlk37 · 06/02/2022 18:16

No he has no idea that I know the pin to his work phone, so zero idea I know how much they talk

OP posts:
ChickenStripper · 06/02/2022 18:22

This is good then so that you can observe for now until you get a better idea of the lie of the land. This seems to happen to so many men and some of them are a bit naive as to how much of a kick they are getting out of it. Of course others are lapping it up. You will know which one it is and what you are prepared to put up with.

EarthSight · 06/02/2022 18:28

@Jlk37

You're right, I don't trust him to be honest,what happened with his other colleague before rattled me (on one occasion they went for dinner and drinks alone while away at a work do, despite dozens of other colleagues staying at the same hotel). So I haven't fully trusted him since. This relationship he has with this woman seems to be close, like they have a really close connection. Of course I looked her up on Facebook, and typically she's a looker 🙈 I'm torn as to what to do
They always are. Always fairly pretty. Maybe their type. Same age or frequently younger. It's rarely a woman that's 20 years older than them.