Overthinking - respecting my wishes or being an arsehole?

FortunesFave · 06/02/2022 01:23

You need to get your moral alignment and your self esteem fixed pronto.

He has a BABY. You're quite vile to be whinging about "facebook likes" for God's sake.

Pinkbonbon · 06/02/2022 01:26

One thing is clear, your marriage needs to be over.

Rather than giving things a go with your partner, you've stayed fixated on this man.

Although it sounds to me like he is respecting you wishes. If your gut is telling you otherwise then it's probably right. Maybe he lost interest in you (after he got what he wanted?) And took your message as a get out of jail free card.

Tbh though, the real issue is that you need to be single right now. So that you can figure out how you found yourself in this place where you can't possibly respect yourself as a person. To fund your way back to being a decent human being once more.

Honey83 · 06/02/2022 01:42

Not seeing how he has been an 'absolute prick'. To you i mean. Clearly he's gone behind his gf's back.

Maybe he is focusing on his baby and gf. That should be why it hurts less. Not that it hurts less because he is respecting your wishes.

Hawkins001 · 06/02/2022 01:56

@donesomethingterrible

Some of you may recognise from a previous thread and will no doubt tell me to get a grip if so!

I cannot get this out of my head and would appreciate some brutally honest opinions, I am trying so hard but struggling so badly to move on.

Short version - my marriage is on the rocks, old flame begins messaging out of the blue 3 months ago. Messages turned from friendly to flirtatious and eventually led to a very brief meet up a couple of weeks back.

I am married with child, he has a baby with his gf.

We both said we felt guilty afterwards. I messaged him the next morning to say I needed some time to think and that I felt my DH was trying harder in the marriage. He replied to say give it a chance to work out with DH and sorry to have messed with my head.

I have not heard a single thing since. Not even any FB likes which he always does.
I know it was completely wrong and I should have completely blocked him. I know now after almost 3 weeks that I'll never hear from him again.

I feel that he has just been an absolute prick and is done with me and that this has nothing to do with my wishes for thinking space. But a small part of me thinks he could just be respecting my wish? Or am a being completely naive here??
I know it doesn't matter either way and the outcome is the same but I think it would hurt less if he was doing it for my sake.

It sounds like, he thinks your giving it a go with your dh, and that if he was to continue e.g. The fb likes ect, then that could make it worse, when your trying to fix things,

Besides if the opposite was true, and he was doing the usual of liking your fb status ect, would you then be more tempted to continue the affair ?

Then based on that what's his options, cut contact to give you time to fix your issues with your dh, or keep doing the likes, the conversations, and possibly tempting you further with what if ect ?

WildPoinsettia · 06/02/2022 02:10

Sounds like he got what he wanted and having realised he's not going to get anything more he's lost interest in you.

Even if he felt he'd found true love forever with you, and wasn't just chancing his arm with an old flame because his baby's mum isn't up for it right now, do you really think someone is going to stick around waiting and hoping after you've just told them they're second best? Men aren't women, they generally don't do that "pointlessly hopeful" shit!

He doesn't love you, he's after sex that's all. And you don't love him or you wouldn't be prioritising your already-broken marriage. It's a distraction, a fantasy, a someone-still-wants-me-its-not-all-over-for-me-even-if-my-marriage-fails confidence boost thing, for you and a poor-little-me-I'm-not-centre-of-attention-any-more-so-I'll-have-to-go-looking-elsewhere-for-an-ego-boost thing, for him.

He doesn't respect anything about you, least of all the fact you're married. Yes he's a prick, that's the part you've got right.

fallfallfall · 06/02/2022 02:17

he liked the wind up to the sexy time. he got what he wanted and has moved on with his life.
you need to get some self respect and move on with yours. please have the decency to divorce your husband before your next romp.

TedMullins · 06/02/2022 02:23

Wtf? Your thinking is very skewed. You told him your H was trying harder and to give you space, which he is doing. But it seems you actually want him to continue chasing you for some kind of twisted validation? You’re both being pricks to your partners. You really don’t come off better than him.

willithappen · 06/02/2022 02:29

Who's to say he doesn't need the thinking space also?
He has a gf and baby and obviously things are not going great there. Perhaps she's found out, or he's decided to cut you out to give it a go with her one more time

Either way, I think you need to forget him and focus on sorting your marriage, whether that be divorce or coming clean and working things out.

Hawkins001 · 06/02/2022 02:33

It's like, you say to x person don't apologise for being late to x time, then when they are late, because they agreed to your previous point, they don't apologise, yet still get annoyed because in your view, they still should of apologised, (that's if this is an accurate analogy.)

RobertSmithsLipstick · 06/02/2022 02:35

None of it matters.
You're married.

AAAAAGHH · 06/02/2022 02:47

In your "very brief meet up" did you shag him?

Buildingthefuture · 06/02/2022 05:33

You’ve both behaved like absolute pricks. Deceitful and disrespectful to your respective partners. And you come on here to moan about the OM? He got it on with you with a GF and baby at home, so he’s hardly a man of upstanding morals and values is he? Did you REALLY expect him to treat you better than he treats his gf, the mother of his child? He’s a shagger, a grubby little low life and he’s had what he wanted and buggered off. He has also assumed that you are the same as him. But he’s not really the issue. You need to have a good long look at yourself. If you want out of the marriage then go, but stop treating your DH & DC like shit.

AlDanvers · 06/02/2022 06:08

Ffs. You both something shitty. You tell him you need time. He also thinks the same and tells you, you should make it work with dh if you can.

And he is the shitty one for staying away. You have both behaved in the exact same way.

Stop trying to frame this as though you are some poor little woman who is a victim of this evil man who manipulated you into this.

You are an adult. You chose this. You are responsible for your own actions. Stop putting your emotional energy into him and put it into your child and husband (if you decide you want to stay).

If you respected your husband at all you would tell him.

You are just pissed off that you aren't as special as you though and he can stay away from you. Its not some huge love affair.

Ladybugzrock · 06/02/2022 08:21

Most on here told you this wasn’t some ‘mills and boons’ love story; just a sad seedy, ego driven fling for you both. Selfish entitled nonsense.

This is absolutely text book. Tbh he may be back when he needs his ego stroked again and being a father of a young child and partner all gets too much for this man child.

Yes he’s a prick. But you’re coming on here to complain he’s not giving you Facebook likes! I mean honestly!

AgathaX · 06/02/2022 08:32

Words fail me. Your moral compass is screwed.

DrSbaitso · 06/02/2022 09:06

What difference does it make? You say you're trying to make your marriage work.

SunflowerTed · 06/02/2022 09:16

Words fail. He’s trying to do the right thing by his girlfriend. I think you were hoping for a bit more attention but he’s had his cheap and shag and probably wants to forget it happened

LetHimHaveIt · 06/02/2022 09:25

Hmmmm. The 'he has just been absolute prick' part strongly suggests to me that you're winding up as fast as your little arm will go, and plan to tell the gf in a flurry of righteous indignation. Won't get you many Facebook 'likes'.

layladomino · 06/02/2022 09:34

You asked him for space. He's given you space. Did you want him to beg you to stay in touch?

It reads as though you said you need space but you didn't really mean it, and you're offended that he was happy to give you space.

What you both did was wrong. He would be more of an arsehole if he'd continued to go behind his gf back. He would have been more of an arsehole if he'd ignored your request for space. He is at least now doing the right thing.

He very likely had a moment of reflection, realised it was stupid to flirt and meet up with you and he regrets it, and he's now putting all his efforts in to his relationship, his gf and child.

You need to forget about him and concentrate on mending or leaving your marriage.

Original poster

donesomethingterrible · 06/02/2022 10:31

@LetHimHaveIt

Hmmmm. The 'he has just been absolute prick' part strongly suggests to me that you're winding up as fast as your little arm will go, and plan to tell the gf in a flurry of righteous indignation. Won't get you many Facebook 'likes'.

Absolutely not. I would never do that, if he chooses to tell her that's up to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

donesomethingterrible · 06/02/2022 10:37

Ok thanks all....I did ask for brutal honesty.

We did not have sex but I admit we did kiss.

I suppose I was just very deluded and thought he would care more. I know it's ridiculous. We've been friends and in each other's lives at an arms length for over 20 years and I regret that it's ended this way.

OP posts:

DrSbaitso · 06/02/2022 10:42

I think you're taking the love and desire you want in your marriage and placing it in this non-relationship with this guy.

Whatabambam · 06/02/2022 11:01

Really? You're feeling hurt because he hasn't responded? Imagine how his partner might feel when she finds out that she has been betrayed at one of the most vulnerable points in her life. I have no words.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 06/02/2022 11:03

In the kindest possible way, it seems like you were looking for something which would have given you the justification for leaving your marriage or something better to leave it for and you are disappointed this wasn't it.

I would block him and any other distractions and go back into your marriage while you work out whether it's a partnership that can be a healthy one for you and your DH and child for the rest of your lives. Work out what you need for that to be the case. Revisit the question in 4/5/6 months.

In my opinion, to be fair to your family and your sanity, questions about whether a man is ignoring you because they are selfish (objectively, yes he is cheating on his newly mum GF) or whether because he actually cares can only be dealt with, with any meaning should decide to end your marriage.
I hope that makes sense.

WildPoinsettia · 06/02/2022 12:45

@donesomethingterrible

Ok thanks all....I did ask for brutal honesty.

We did not have sex but I admit we did kiss.

I suppose I was just very deluded and thought he would care more. I know it's ridiculous. We've been friends and in each other's lives at an arms length for over 20 years and I regret that it's ended this way.

He's not your friend. Friends don't message their married friends looking for sex (that's what he was doing). You're someone he's kept in reserve all this time, an option, if you like. So he didn't get what he wanted that's something at least and now he's decided not to waste any more time on you. Sorry. A friend would recognise their friend with a rocky marriage was in emotional turmoil, they'd give their friend a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, not try to get them into bed.