Divorce inevitable but going to be hard

[XxDog8]

Feeling confused/frustrated/numb….
After having to leave our family home last June due to DH making it unbearable to live in anymore ( slept on sofa for 3 months, silent treatment one minute abusive rants the next, total manipulative game playing messing with my daughters and my head - I had to put the kids 1st and show them it’s not a normal way to live - when I say kids - 19 /17 & 15 years).
The game playing went from agreeing to selling the house - letting me get half way through purchasing a house (solicitor fees and searches all paid more) DH taking the girls to look at houses with him and amicably agreeing split 50/50 to taking the house off the market behind my back resulting in me losing the house I was buying and trapped. I wasn’t strong enough mentally at the time to start any legal proceedings as I was scared of him due to the verbal abuse I was living with.
So to get normality back in the kids lives we eventually found a place to rent - a squeeze but not hostile environment! DH swung from verbal abuse to manipulation to ‘always here if you need anything’- absolute mind scramble!!
Once we were out he told me he had no intention of selling the house for a few years so he could’adjust’ - hence I had to take a loan out and start divorce proceedings 😢
So for past 7 months I am struggling financially as no help from him towards the kids (I plucked up the courage to visit him and ask if he could help out at all and was told tbe £20k in the bank had been gambled away and just laughed in my face!) Fuming - still don’t know if a lie or he has gambled it away- just another mind game?…….
During all this he decided I was going through the menopause which was making me make all these decisions- ignoring the fact I was getting away from his controlling manipulative not very nice ways- much easiest for him to gloss over that and just blame me. For the record I have no menopause symptoms and have 3 kids that backed me getting out as it was long overdue….
So now divorce papers served but he refuses to acknowledge them so going to be a long haul - my solicitor has advised to stop the games and go to court so the judge decides the timelines and me and DH have to abide by this. Going to cost a fortune so increase the loan - all I want is the family house sold so many kids can move on and start afresh.
He has spoilt any relationship he had with kids due to his mind games - not to mention he is pretending the key is stuck in the lock for the door we have keys for and enters the house through another door that we have no key for - controlling at it’s best. At the beginning kids visited for meals and catch up but DH then started to control when they were coming under his terms only - once a week texts copy and pasted to all 3 of them but no general chitchat through the week. He’s also denying access to passports/ important paperwork pretending the file has been lost ! Been very cocky about it and controlling. Makes my blood boil but what can I do? Any advice?
I now learn he’s in his rights to continue to live in the big 4 bed home - I can only move back in within my rights but cannot make him leave to make his kids comfortable !
It’s all so frustrating and a rollercoaster I don’t know where I am going to find the strength to face him in court and come out ok with this mess.
I hate the fact I am scared of him as he is always 2 steps ahead with his manipulation and controlling ways - just feel I will never escape.
Sorry for the rant but woke up very low and try to be ok in front of the kids 🙈
Any advice or just anyone been in similar situation that can sympathise would be appreciated.
Thanks

I don't have any helpful advice (am at the very beginning of this journey) but wanted to reply and say sorry you are going through this, it sucks ! I am going though a separation but still living in the same house. He is calling all the shots and I am powerless. He said he will "let" me stay in the house with the kids but will only leave when he feels ready. If I attempt to bring up any timeline he tells me to move out. I work full time and love my job but it's not well paid. I can afford to take over the mortgage payments but can't afford to rent locally (which is crazy). I think he is just grasping at any last power he can hold over me before the divorce (I am waiting until April to hopefully file for no fault). On the plus side, every time he does or says something infuriating it just confirms I am doing the right thing and I can look forward to a future (somewhere down the line) where I don't have to put up with him anymore. Keep strong x

So sorry this situation seems dreadful. In April you can apply for a no fault divorce which I believe he cannot contest. Your solicitor can force a sale through if needed. Be mindful of your menopause as it can cause brain fog so could you pop to the docs to see if they can get you on any HRT to help you? I would get some new passports asap for your children and yourself saying they were all lost. You need to take back all the things he is trying to deny you. Do not let him win. My friend is in a similar situation and my other friends who are getting out of marriages are all waiting for the April date for the no fault divorce. Solicitors are going to be very very busy in a few months.

Hi thank you for taking the time to reply- sorry you are in a similar situation x
It baffles me how they can continue as though everything is fine and act so unconnected! DH couldn’t or wouldn’t address the kids living in an environment like that - purely because he wasn’t ready -exactly as DH says he’ll go when it suits him! We tried a marriage councillor who listened to us both and told DH he needed to put the kids first but he knew best and dismissed all advice 🙄
I was told the same I could leave but the kids stayed with him - they wouldn’t even contemplate staying with him so that was never going to happen 🙄
I compare DH to my dad and other male friends and I hate myself for allowing myself to be controlled manipulated and scared for so long - 25years!
I hope you can hang in in there until April and finally break free - I can honestly say it’s the best thing I ever did no matter how hard it is emotionally and mentally and financially! I feel free and the kids have noticed the difference in me as I am just been me now and not treading on eggshells……
Here if you need a rant - it’s helped to know other people understand and I am not going mad 😊

Hi I think the no fault divorce is great but he will drag his heels on that also - it’s daft but I have protected him when filling in the papers and have refused to mention his controlling manipulative ways … I’m too soft 🙄

Ref menopause he was ‘gaslighting’ me grasping at straws to shift the blame from himself- he’d read an article on menopause effecting marriages and jumped on it to try and get us all back home so his life could go back to normal. I think a normal man would fight to save the marriage in different ways …
Your right ref passports etc I am crossing each hurdle he Throws at me without approaching him now. MOT papers / passports all to be replaced- if he knew he would take great delight that he is costing and causing me hassles 🙄 the times I have stood when he laughs on my face as he knows he has control even if right or wrong 🙈 turns me to jelly with embarrassment and powerless - which gets a kick out of.

What a twat! I'm so sorry your going through this! No advice but I'm a big believer in karma and let's hope he gets his fair share of it very soon! Good luck

Can you get some professional support for yourself too OP? Or do you have a really strong support network around you?. I think you need to start taking complete control of how he makes you feel. He is a manipulator. I am so glad you left as distance can allow you to really see how bad everything was. It can be a very vulnerable time for you and I dont want you to be warn down by him so much that you go back just because its easier. I have seen my friend do this on countless occasions only to be back to square one again in a few months and has to leave again. Its torture to watch her. Concentrate on one bit at a time, passports, mot etc chip away at the other stuff he gives you problems with. He wont go quietly and I think you already know that hence you need help with staying strong either by a good network or professional help.

Made me smile with your summing of his character- got it in one lol 😊
Thank you for your straightforward words - means a lot

Thank you - distance has definitely helped you are 100% correct.
I left him 2 years ago after a very toxic argument that included the kids and had us all petrified that me and youngest slept downstairs together- he woke us up the next morning banging on the other 2’s doors and flinging the curtains open where we were sleeping shouting about if he was up all was to be up - I cannot explain the churning in your stomach living through this and unable to protect your kids 🙈 he took himself off for a gog walk so I got the kids together and put to them leaving and they couldn’t pack quick enough. Poor parents were surprised with me kids and 6 month pup lol but they would never of turned us away 😊
He never tried to stop as he was smug that I would cave in. Stayed away a week resulting in nasty / amicable/ begging from him that eventually I caved at went home - biggest regret ever.
Luckily the kids are hardened to him and so much happier they would probably disown me if I went back ….. I always saw myself as a weak person which I can see now was created by him - I look back at the rollercoaster of the last few months and see how far we have come. My youngest has taken it the hardest so picking her up and keeping normality has been exhausting plus a demanding job but I am determined to get through this and start afresh !
Who knows what the future brings but at least I will be in the driving seat 😊

OP, it is worth remembering the divorce / dissolution of the marriage isn’t the problem. That can be done quite quickly. It’s the financial settlement that will be the stumbling block, no fault divorce or not.

He is slowing things down for two reasons. The first one is that it puts financial pressure on you. Making you more likely to concede to his divorce demands and ignore what happened to the savings and no question pensions. The other reason is the age of the children. In about 2-3 years they will be adults and won’t be taken into account as part of your housing needs.

It’s not clear from you post but you need to claim CMS. Then you need to find a way mentally and financially to bed down for the long run. Make it clear that you are not phased by his filibuster. Learn to accept you will wait. The capital is growing anyway in the house.

But also get your solicitor to record it and the impact materially or emotionally on your and your children. Don’t engage with him directly any more. All that is happening is that you are giving him insights into things that matter to you and he uses that against you. You are giving him power over you because you show what bothers you. Go grey rock and get a poker face.

Provide him with a single point of contact. Make that a throwaway email address you don’t use for anything else. Only refer to it periodically and then when you have a level headed friend with you to give you emotional support. But also to remind you never to reply to him in anger or distress. Indeed put an auto reply that acknowledges receipt and confirms you will reply in due course. If he makes any statements to you or the children that are material to the divorce then record it and make sure it is played back to him formally by the solicitor.

Tell your solicitor to write to him telling him that you are separated and he must desist from making personal and abusive comment about you and your health which are causing emotional distress. This should be where he is told to only contact you via the email.

@LemonTT

OP, it is worth remembering the divorce / dissolution of the marriage isn’t the problem. That can be done quite quickly. It’s the financial settlement that will be the stumbling block, no fault divorce or not.

He is slowing things down for two reasons. The first one is that it puts financial pressure on you. Making you more likely to concede to his divorce demands and ignore what happened to the savings and no question pensions. The other reason is the age of the children. In about 2-3 years they will be adults and won’t be taken into account as part of your housing needs.

It’s not clear from you post but you need to claim CMS. Then you need to find a way mentally and financially to bed down for the long run. Make it clear that you are not phased by his filibuster. Learn to accept you will wait. The capital is growing anyway in the house.

But also get your solicitor to record it and the impact materially or emotionally on your and your children. Don’t engage with him directly any more. All that is happening is that you are giving him insights into things that matter to you and he uses that against you. You are giving him power over you because you show what bothers you. Go grey rock and get a poker face.

Provide him with a single point of contact. Make that a throwaway email address you don’t use for anything else. Only refer to it periodically and then when you have a level headed friend with you to give you emotional support. But also to remind you never to reply to him in anger or distress. Indeed put an auto reply that acknowledges receipt and confirms you will reply in due course. If he makes any statements to you or the children that are material to the divorce then record it and make sure it is played back to him formally by the solicitor.

Tell your solicitor to write to him telling him that you are separated and he must desist from making personal and abusive comment about you and your health which are causing emotional distress. This should be where he is told to only contact you via the email.

^ This. @LemonTT excellent advice.

Distance yourself from him as much as possible. If he hasn’t gambled the savings he’s probably hidden them by now. Bastard.

The thing that's tipped me over the edge this week is him announcing he is getting signed off from work for a bit. The only thing keeping me going was those days or nights he wasn't here. I actually hate him. And I can't be the mum I want to be while I am broken while he is pretending to be super dad.

He sounds like a right scumbag. Hel get his comeupings, stay stong

Sounds awful and you have my sympathy. My ex took £12k out of our joint accounts last week as he said he didn’t trust me with it. This was savings for kids private school fees. He then told me at 1am that he had gambled it and lost the lot. He hadn’t and has since put the money back but makes my blood boil that he thinks he can control me financially.

They are so used to be able to control us they can't let it go. I think now of all the wasted years biting my tongue so not to cause an argument or the fact that any time I showed any emotion, anger, upset he would refuse to speak to me "while I was being silly". There has been definite financial control too as I have no access to any savings etc, everything except the mortgage in his name as "I am no good with money". So glad to have seen the truth. Onwards and upwards to being free.

Thank you so much for your message- daft but it helps me realise I am not been dramatic or irrational but actually sticking up for the kids and myself for once.
I am actually quite laid back and want the simple things in life which made me an easy target for someone like him - took me 25 years to realise it lol.
You are right the distance needs to be there or he will do what he is good at and mess with my head.

Reading all your messages just gave me the lift and help needed so thank you everybody - an outsider insight proves I am doing the right thing.
Not even mentioned all the abusive texts and silent treatment I have lived through yet you all have summed the situation up perfectly for what is.

You have to be strong and keep going. Stop being soft. You’re not doing yourself any favours. Are you claiming child maintenance? Is he paying what he should be? Have you pursued a claim against him?

@XxDog8

Thank you so much for your message- daft but it helps me realise I am not been dramatic or irrational but actually sticking up for the kids and myself for once. I am actually quite laid back and want the simple things in life which made me an easy target for someone like him - took me 25 years to realise it lol. You are right the distance needs to be there or he will do what he is good at and mess with my head.

Reading all your messages just gave me the lift and help needed so thank you everybody - an outsider insight proves I am doing the right thing.
Not even mentioned all the abusive texts and silent treatment I have lived through yet you all have summed the situation up perfectly for what is.

Speak to womens aid about the abusive texts and how these can be recorded and reported. If they define it as abuse then you can seek legal protection and also look to getting an occupation order for the property.

You are not as powerless as you think. You could really turn the tables. Just don’t get sucked into his bluster and bullying.

Womens aid, record and report the abuse, non mol, occupation order.

If you in UK all MOT history can be viewed online

Look here www.check-mot.service.gov.uk/

You can Google your local area & find the cheapest MOT or the most convenient place to take your vehicle. You can book some MOT online

Thanks - found MOT online- another hurdle jumped 👍
Bullying is the right word - amazing how can still turn you to mush at 47years old!!!
Thanks again everyone- will use this messages as strength ‘go tops’ as has lifted me so much - thanks 😊

Do you jointly own the house? If yes, I'd get a locksmith along when he's at work and take everything you need from the house.
Stop protecting him by not mentioning his behaviour in the divorce.

Just wondering how you are hope all is well

Hi thank you for checking up on me x Rollercoaster week - my solicitor has contacted him now to say 7 days to get papers back to them and acknowledge the divorce or application sent to court for the judge to decide timelines- going to cost a fortune which scares me but will have to take out a loan until the house sells. He’s also been asked if he has the funds to buy me out otherwise the house needs to be sold - not sure how they will make him do that but will see ….
Added onto that he has contacted the kids wanting to see them - eldest 2 just ignored him but the youngest has said she’s thinking of seeing him to me - took a deep breath to make sure I am saying the right thing to her and not influencing her as I would love to tell her to also ignore him 🙈 but I’ve offered to take and drop her off so least I can do ……. Now you would expect him to reply with ‘fab can’t wait when’s the soonest I can see you’ but oh no his reply was ‘not any day in the week as really busy at work so let’s do Sunday’ - kids reply was ‘ I have a match on Sunday’s’ which he replied he would ‘take her to and then have lunch ‘ …… my instant reaction was fury!! - he’s dropped all interest in her matches/training since last June and I have travelled all over making sure DD doesn’t miss out - not to mention paying subs and match fees that honestly can’t really afford. It’s been traumatic at times as DD suffers with anxiety so getting her to the matches/training has been an emotional task in itself as I refuse to let her anxiety rule her life - (she’s a demon on the pitch so always worth it 😊)

How is he so removed from her feelings and the bigger picture? - am I selfish to think that I have been doing the matches/training all this time and to say ‘no you are not just stepping back into it as though nothing has happened’? If he does take DD he will suddenly take over and everything back on his terms with her. Fortunately she feels the same without me even commenting to her and now has ignored him as she is peed off that it’s on his terms and never just a ‘great let me know when and will drop everything to be there’!!
Exhausted with ensuring DD is ok - she’s not the most communicative with her feelings so have to really work on it with her to see how effected 🙈
Her anxiety rose over the last few days refusing to go to school and the match yesterday- I have consoled, shouted, pleaded to get her to both places - eventually won but she’s stubborn and controlling too sometimes so I always feel I have to win those battles too lol 🙄 lots of tears over the few days but here goes another day lol.
Again appreciate your checking up on me 😊😊

Yeah try take it day by day things will get better over time xx

I'm afraid you will always have to go for the nuclear option. Anything else will be perceived as weak and used against you. So CMS etc immediately.

If you need things from the house find someone (police) he respects to accompany you for whatever you need. Otherwise cancel the passports and get new ones.

It's exhausting and LONG. But never go for "fair" (weak).