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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless relationship I need out

33 replies

itsnotallrainbows · 05/02/2022 20:01

Me and my dp have been together for 8 years and have a 5 year old ds. We don't really argue but we sometimes don't get along but basically since our son has been born we have had sex 2 times in 5 years. We are basically friends and I'm so unhappy but terrified of leaving. I'm scared to be on my own and how it will affect our son. But I can't do this anymore. We have talked had councelling tried medication etc and nothing has changed. I'm only 32 and I can't imagine the next 15 years like this any advice please?

OP posts:
Pentiumgold · 05/02/2022 21:28

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
I feel the same about my husband but married 24 years with 3 children and now have had enough.
Not sure if I'm strong enough to leave x

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2022 21:39

Would urge you both to feel the fear and do it anyway i.e start in your heads planning an exit. Staying with these men for what are really flimsy reasons at best and kicking the can down the road just condemns you to a life of unrelenting misery and emotional pain. There are no prizes for martyring yourselves here. It will also do your self respect and self worth no favours either. You’re both lonely now with these men, what is so fearful and or bad exactly about being on your own?. You’re both pretty much alone now with your relationship as it is and that is a very bad place for you to be in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2022 21:43

You only need to give your own selves permission to leave. If your adult child came to you describing such a situation would you be advising them to stay with their partner?.

You have a choice here re these men, your children do not. What do you want to teach them about relationships?. They deserve to be shown a better relationship example than the one they are currently seeing. Divorce is not failure here, living in such unhappiness is.

BlueFlamingo9 · 05/02/2022 23:11

I left

Bought own house

Best thing ever

JustKittenAround · 06/02/2022 04:42

Release yourself from this.

You must or you are agreeing to this sort of shit life.

You will only have yourself to blame. It is YOU.

Please seek a fuller life. No matter what it is more full than a life of deficit and want.

Creamegg84 · 06/02/2022 10:15

I'm in a similar situation. I know deep in my heart that sex is just not something that comes naturally in our marriage. I am not willing to seperate because I don't want to be apart from my young children just because I want more sex, that feels rediculous. Our life is fine apart from that and he is the high earner that provides for us. If I seperated my life would be a life in poverty. I'm not willing to do that just because I don't have much sex.

Jbean80 · 06/02/2022 10:31

This is my situation too. It’s awful, it upsets me when I think about it because I blame myself. I know how trapped you must feel. I haven’t got any answers but please don’t think that you are alone. X

CrystalCoco · 06/02/2022 10:39

There are a fair few of us on here in sexless marriages so there's some empathy there.

Only you can decide whether you leave over the heads of no sex or not.

For me, it's not worth blowing up my whole life and marriage over, for others it's an absolute deal breaker

Doyouthinkeirsaurus · 06/02/2022 10:42

I have told my DH that our marriage is over. Age 59, I cannot cope with the lack of sex and affection any longer. We then had two weeks of being the closest we had been for decades (emotionally only of course) when he then decided to not speak to me, at all, and that’s how we have been for 4 months.

Even so, I would say do it, I feel free and lighter, I am no longer living a huge, elephant in the room, lie. I am sleeping better. Terrified of the future of course, should have done it years ago, when I would have had time to put myself in a better financial position, but wouldn’t go back.

BlueLorikeet · 06/02/2022 11:41

I registered on Ashley Madison today. Can’t leave but the thought of being only 40 and never having sex again is scary…

WanderingLost167 · 06/02/2022 12:14

As someone who went down the affair route, it made it possible for me to leave, because I realised everything I was missing out on (and its always more than just sex)

BlueLorikeet · 06/02/2022 12:24

Yes, it’s definitely more then just sex

Kshhuxnxk · 06/02/2022 12:54

My DP and I no longer have sex. I'm not yet 50. Long term side effects of cancer have made it impossible. I would be devastated if he wanted to leave because of this.

Lolobird87 · 06/02/2022 17:01

Similar situation. I’m 34, we have a 4 year old and been together 13 years. We are essentially roommates who sleep in the same bed and give each other a peck on the check every night. We don’t spend a lot of time together and I find I no longer have any interest in him sexually.

For me it has taken a long time to come to the conclusion to leave. For a long time I held on as I had hoped we would have another child, but for the last 6 months we’ve only had sex once or twice a month and I’ve decided I need and deserve more than I’m getting from him, in lots of ways.

If it’s not what you want in 15 years then I would get out now. It’s what I plan to do - just a few loose ends to tie up and I hope to be out within the year. I’m sad for my son but excited for the future.

HappyToSmile · 06/02/2022 17:11

I was in a Very similar situation. And I really thought I wouldnt cope on my own. Years and years later, he left and it was absolutely the best thing that ever happened. I HAVE coped absolutely brilliantly, even with the sh** he has thrown at me. And I'm happier than ever. I just wish I'd had the self belief to do it when I knew I should and not wasted so much of my life on our marriage.

TheSnootiestFox · 06/02/2022 19:29

@Kshhuxnxk

My DP and I no longer have sex. I'm not yet 50. Long term side effects of cancer have made it impossible. I would be devastated if he wanted to leave because of this.
And that is devastating for you, but surely you can't expect your partner to live without sex for the next 20 or 30 years too if that's not what they want? That's beyond selfish.......
Original poster
itsnotallrainbows · 06/02/2022 21:56

Thank you everyone, it is more than just the sex it's that connection, it's that's spark that is missing. And I don't want to go down the affair route and won't do that but I can't continue to be with someone who is just a friend

OP posts:
donesomethingterrible · 06/02/2022 22:41

I too have gone down the affair route (now over) and it has shown me that I am not dead inside as I've thought I've been for a decade, longer actually.

I am still trying to decide what to do ie end things or stay, but if I stay I resign myself to a sexless life and will never have those feelings again.

Not sure I can put DD through her parents divorcing just on the off chance I will meet someone in the future who can give me those feelings.

It's a really tough decision OP, I wish you all the best.

Original poster
itsnotallrainbows · 06/02/2022 22:50

I think the more I think about things the clearer I see. I don't want our ds to grow up thinking this is how a relationship should be like a friendship and a happy mummy is a happy child and I know we would get through it putting our ds first

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 07/02/2022 08:39

@BlueLorikeet

I registered on Ashley Madison today. Can’t leave but the thought of being only 40 and never having sex again is scary…
I did this too years ago, but I got so scared that I'd be found out that I had to come off it. There was someone on there that my DH and I both knew so I couldn't take the gamble. I do wish I was brave enough to go back on.
ClareBlue · 08/02/2022 05:15

@itsnotallrainbows

I think the more I think about things the clearer I see. I don't want our ds to grow up thinking this is how a relationship should be like a friendship and a happy mummy is a happy child and I know we would get through it putting our ds first
I'm always interested to know how the children in these situations know their parents are in a sexless marriage and how their parents being 'only' friends has a huge impact on them.
enchante23 · 05/03/2022 18:58

I would be careful on that affair site. The men all lie and some are downright weird.
Friend of mine said the men are sordid and just want sex nothing else. Ok if you just want no strings sex but most of them are married with families at home which is pretty bad.

Musttryharder2021 · 05/03/2022 19:19

I'm going to take a different view here...

Would it be possible for you to try living apart but still stay together? The LAT model? If you had an active, exciting sex life before "getting really comfy with each other" and the child arriving, it suggests there was strong sexual chemistry.

I've found that long term relationships in particular tend to suffer from domestic drudgery, boredom of just being together all the time. Of course not all of them, but at the two I've been and the multiple anecdotal stories from others.

Finding another partner with whom the spark and sexual chemistry will last is difficult; it may very possibly also become non existent if you start living together.

DolphinFC · 05/03/2022 21:26

@enchante23

I would be careful on that affair site. The men all lie and some are downright weird. Friend of mine said the men are sordid and just want sex nothing else. Ok if you just want no strings sex but most of them are married with families at home which is pretty bad.
Oh the irony
MissionRelatable · 05/03/2022 21:57

I registered on Ashley Madison today. Can’t leave but the thought of being only 40 and never having sex again is scary…

So this is your answer? That you get your cake and eat it too? Would it not be kinder to the other party to come clean and go your separate ways so you can both be happy or are you all that matters in this union?

I do wish I was brave enough to go back on.

You should wish to be brave enough to leave or be honest. Why would you wish you could be brave enough to be a cheating scum bag? Surely no one wishes they could be a dishonest person that would end up hurting those around them? If they do I’d be questioning their morals. This has to be one of the most bizarre posts yet.

Feel more sorry for your families than your situation. The level of selfishness shown is way worse than anything you’re experiencing so zero sympathy for you.
Perhaps your husbands don’t wish to sleep with you because they themselves wish they had it in them to walk away from what they married… ever think of that side of it? Perhaps they already know you lack morals and regret it. Might be a you problem after all rather than a “wah wah my husband won’t have sex with me” issue…