‘You’re too sensitive’ - discuss

Fieldsofgold21 · 2022-02-05T15:19:15+00:00

Inspired by some recent threads which touched on this - can I ask, what are your opinions on someone responding to your distress with: “You’re too sensitive.” So, say someone had repeatedly upset you, you were in tears, really sad, went to your SO and explained, and they said - “Oh it’s you, you’re too sensitive, you look for things, it’s not as bad as you perceive it to be.” Would that ever be ok?

Abbsie · 05/02/2022 15:25

Ever?

Yes, it can sometimes be ok to say that. Being "over sensitive" can be a euphemism for being a drama llama in some situations.

I can't bear people who seek drama and dramatics, when a calm response is an option.

It all depends on the circumstances.

But would i ever think someone was being over sensitive and voice that opinion? Yes, yes I would. Would i always think/voice that opinion? No, not always.

steppemum · 05/02/2022 15:28

hmm, this is a really hard one without knowing the people involved.

I know some people who do constantly over react, see the worst in everything, see offence where none was intended etc. Some of those people need to hear 'you're so sensitive' but to be honest, unless they are open to listen and the speaker is open to explain why and help them, then it is a pretty stupid comment.

BUT I think this comment is mostly said to women by men, and it a form of gaslighting. It means that you are not allowed to feel the emotions you are feeling. You should not be upset by the bad behaviour of others as your feelings are invalid and your opinion is less important than theirs

Morechocmorechoc · 05/02/2022 15:30

I dont remember anyone ever reacting well to it so I don't see the point. There must be a better way of getting people to see when they are being without saying that

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/02/2022 15:30

Some people are more sensitive than others, but the emotions are still very valid, I do fine that people who have hide of a rhino may struggle to empathise with those that are very sensitive. But a rhino's emotions aren't bigger when the do get upset m, than those who are more sensitive - if that makes sense

MintJulia · 05/02/2022 15:32

It depends what the issue is. If it was a clumsily delivered office joke, that's probably nothing to cry about, and being so easily upset must be exhausting.

If it was a public and unwarranted attack by a valued family member, that would be different.

AlternativelyWired · 05/02/2022 15:34

I've found it's always used by toxic people to shut down a conversation they don't like so they don't have to admit they've upset someone or apologise.

bongobingo43 · 05/02/2022 15:36

I've you're SO was upsetting you constantly then telling you that you're too sensitive, I'd be inclined to think he's trying to excuse his own behaviour by blaming you.

However, I've read your post as that there is another 3rd party who has upset you. You've explained the situation to your SO. He knows the full situation and thinks you're reading too much into and being over sensitive.

I'd therefore take that as either:

he knows the context and knows your personality and thinks you are being over sensitive. I'm an over thinker and can be over sensitive like this and my DP will tell me. Or
he thinks that's the option that will hurt you less, e.g. someone has hurt your feelings and he is trying to make you feel better by saying they 3rd party wouldn't have meant it to sound so bad/hurt you so much so that you don't upset yourself further

If SO isn't the one who has actually upset you, I don't see much wrong with what he's said (based on the limited info available of course)

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 15:41

@AlternativelyWired

I've found it's always used by toxic people to shut down a conversation they don't like so they don't have to admit they've upset someone or apologise.

This.

Abusive types.

I would be very wary of anyone like that.

Original poster

Fieldsofgold21 · 05/02/2022 15:42

Interesting responses, thank you. It was sustained unpleasantness from a family member, my adult DC. Making me upset. Being rude to me etc. I thought my SO (actually ‘D’H, her dad) would be concerned for me in my distress but instead bellowed at me repeatedly that I was too sensitive etc. I’m trying to decide what to do about the relationship and so am genuinely interested to hear your thoughts.

OP posts:

bongobingo43 · 05/02/2022 15:43

But it's bit the person who has upset her that's telling her she's being too sensitive,

Someone else has upset her, she's gone crying to her partner and he's said she's being too sensitive

bongobingo43 · 05/02/2022 15:44

@Fieldsofgold21

Interesting responses, thank you. It was sustained unpleasantness from a family member, my adult DC. Making me upset. Being rude to me etc. I thought my SO (actually ‘D’H, her dad) would be concerned for me in my distress but instead bellowed at me repeatedly that I was too sensitive etc. I’m trying to decide what to do about the relationship and so am genuinely interested to hear your thoughts.

Ah ok, the "bellowed" makes a difference. Before that, I thought he maybe have been trying to stop you from reading into it too much (if that's what you tend to do)

Original poster

Fieldsofgold21 · 05/02/2022 15:47

When I say bellowed I don’t mean shouted as such but wasn’t being gentle and concerned - more dismissive and I suppose irritated. Kind of lecturing me! Sorry don’t want to drip feed but can see it needed more context.

OP posts:

lljkk · 05/02/2022 15:53

it’s not as bad as you perceive it to be

This is very often true. I have no idea how to tell someone this effectively & nicely, either.

MN as a community is rather over-sensitive, imho.

Abbsie · 05/02/2022 15:55

You didn't say anything suggesting being bellowed at in the OP.

In itself, your husband suggesting to you that you might be being oversensitive is not an issue. Supportive relationships can/should be honest and caring.

The (dripfeed) that it was accompanied by shouting changes the concept completely.

Having a bellowing, shouting session with your husband isn't a healthy or good thing, regardless of what is said.

layladomino · 05/02/2022 16:08

Yes I think it is possible to be 'over-sensitive', by which I mean there are people who take offence when clearly none was intended, they look for reasons to be upset, they make every molehill in to a mountain, their first response to any situation is tears or shouting. These are people who often have drama surrounding them, and lots of stories about arguements and fallouts.

And a supportive partner should be able to (gently and diplomatically) point out to their OH something like that.

However, if your DH is shouting at you or if he's regularly dismissing your feelings and opinions, then that's not healthy.

MintJulia · 05/02/2022 16:12

I can't imagine a situation where I would allow my own dc to reduce me to tears. As a parent, I think the teen years of being told I am evil, unreasonable etc have made me immune.

But if it was truly hurtful, uncalled for and completely over the top, I'd expect DP to back me, insist on an apology and make sure dc knew they were not welcome home until an appropriate apology had been received.

Abbsie · 05/02/2022 16:23

@Fieldsofgold21

When I say bellowed I don’t mean shouted as such but wasn’t being gentle and concerned - more dismissive and I suppose irritated. Kind of lecturing me! Sorry don’t want to drip feed but can see it needed more context.

Theres still not enough context to give the answer you want (that its never OK), I don't think.

I maintain that, in answer to: "Would that ever be ok?" I can think of times when I'd consider it OK to suggest to my husband that he's

taking things to heart
taking things too personally
over reacting to the situation
needs to calm down before we have a proper conversation
needs to understand why the other person said what they said (even when they're still wrong)
needs some time for his heightened emotions to settle down

.... all of which mean the same as "you're bring too sensitive".

Craftycorvid · 05/02/2022 16:26

You’re as sensitive as you are; I’m not aware of a legal limit. We will all have our different tolerance levels and things that make us go ‘ouch’ because they hurt. Sometimes an apparently insignificant trigger leads to a big reaction because of our personal history. Bottom line: you tell someone you found their words hurtful, no matter how intentional that was, there is only one acceptable response, which is an apology. Any other response doesn’t respect your feelings. Bellowing that you are ‘over-sensitive’ is just crass. You are allowed to feel however you feel. My only caveat would be in trying to also see and acknowledge when insult was unintentional, and being prepared to let something be once you’ve explained and the other person has apologised. Other people might not always be aware of our sensitivities. However, no apology and shouting that it’s your problem is abusive.

Original poster

Fieldsofgold21 · 05/02/2022 16:29

@Abbsie Theres still not enough context to give the answer you want (that its never OK), I don't think.

I’m really open to feedback. It’s been really interesting and I appreciate the input.

OP posts:

twominutesmore · 05/02/2022 16:33

Yes, some people are over-sensitive and get upset about things that wouldn't upset most other people or perceive unkindness where none was intended.

As a rule, if several people across your lifetime have suggested that you might be over-sensitive, then it's worth considering.

If it's always one person upsetting you, it's probably them but you could ask someone you trust for an honest opinion.

Parpophone · 05/02/2022 16:35

@Abbsie You didn't say anything suggesting being bellowed at in the OP.

that's because she wasn't actually bellowed at.

When I say bellowed I don’t mean shouted as such but wasn’t being gentle and concerned - more dismissive and I suppose irritated.

OP I would also be irritated at you if you constantly use inappropriate words to describe basic things. Dismissive/irritated are worlds apart from "being bellowed at".

twominutesmore · 05/02/2022 16:36

As an example, there was a thread on here yesterday where someone had said, in conversation with a work colleague, that she wished she didn't have the same initial as her sister as, growing up, they never knew who the mail was intended for. Another colleague put in a formal complaint because her children have the same initial. Over-sensitive.

Nietzschethehiker · 05/02/2022 16:40

I think its tricky sometimes if I'm honest. I do think it's often used to dismiss people's genuine hurt. I also think its often used in a toxic way.

That said , I have seen it used heavily as a manipulative tactic. It is rarely the case that someone is over sensitive. They are wither genuinely hurt and being dismissed. Or they are using professional victim status and offence as a manipulation tactic so that no challenges them on anything and they are the centre of attention in control.

So in truth neither is great. The comment is pointless. If the person is genuinely hurt the statement just serves to shut them down. If they are using "sensitivity" as a manipulation they are hardly likely to admit it and suddenly accept that they are being controlling and change their ways.

Completely useless statement that serves no purpose. In truth noone is going to be able to see which it was without being there.

Original poster

Fieldsofgold21 · 05/02/2022 16:44

No one has ever said I’m over-sensitive other than DH. If anything, I’m probably the other way after years with him - he is the opposite. Bellowed - was louder than his normal voice. Didn’t come across as caring.

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 05/02/2022 16:50

What did your DC do/say to you?

Does DC speak to him like that?