MIL.... is it me or are they all pains in the BS

[annoyed]

(am changing my name for this post) Sorry for the abruptness there, but it need to be said, DH is currently away, in Iraq no less, so his time is limited with calling ane the internet etc... (even though on occassion he manages to ring me 2-3 times a week couple of minutes each time, and he's on the instant message a few times a week as well if we're lucky) anywyas, he's ment to ring her on a tuesday, which naturally I don't mind as she's obviously worried as well, but he didn't ring her tues as he actually had some work to do (funny that isn't it!) and instead couldn't manage it then, but i managed to talk to him on line and tell him to ring her last night. In the mean while thou she's sending me texts saying obviously DH doen's care about her anymore as he doen't ring her on the days he said he would, but he can obviously call me. (bloody cheek). any wyas, I let that message go, saying you know he is busy and all, so then she says, well i've had enough now, i'm not waiting in for him any more and his brother can now use the phone whenever he wants, all night if he really must.

It really winds me up thou the fact that we have enough to worry about with out her feeling so hard dun by that he''s not rung her, but instead rung me.

DH is usually pretty good, however he has started to realise what an acutal mare his mum can be (she an alcoholic) and his view of her now, is 'if she doesn't have the clarity to take 5 mintues aways from the pub to talk to her son half way around the world she can FO. Anyways, we managed to smooth that mishap over. But she's always been the same as long as i've known DH (5yrs)

My question is thou, am I wrong to get annoyed every time she gets drunk and then rings him going off on one at him? (I mean i'm naturally protective over him and why should she be allowed to demean him like that) and 2) do MIL get better as you're married for longer? (biting my tounge with this one is now getting a bit hard - but it's up to him what his relationship with his mother is)

sorry, just had to vent this all out

Annoyed poor you, you really don't need that going on do you?, I think you have every right to be annoyed. Sorry no advice really, just wanted to let you know I would be annoyed if I was in that situation.

In my family relationships as people get older and wiser.
Your MIL being an alcoholic sounds like and must make life very hard. Has she ever tried to stop drinking / seek help?

Good on you having a vent!

relationships have improved that was meant to say

hi annoyed. I can completely see why you are annoyed with MIL. I wonder if you might generally benefit from talking to al-anon (support for relatives of alcoholics) in thinking about how you deal with your MIL. Sounds like there are some big issues going on with her, and if she is drunk when she calls, there isn't much hope of appealing to reason IYSWIM.

best of luck

Has your MIL always been jealous of you?
Being alcoholic she might be dependant on her Son and when he is not around or showing attention elsewhere, she is left vunerable,upset and jealous of the lack of attention to her.
No good talking to her whilst in a drunken condition, she need to be sober.
Has she seeked help, does she recognise she does have a problem with drink?

vent away vent away no probs at all. There isnt any thing you can do to stop this woman behaving like this, not a thing so vent away. If DH is in the armed forces you can only hope that when he comes home that you can get a posting a long long way away from her. After all you have got enough on your plate without some one else adding to it, BIG sympathies to you. You are coping remarkably well, i would have fallen out with her by now if it were me.

er, yes pretty much she has always been the same, apart form about teh first 4 months I lived there, during which phase I was her 'new best friend' if you pardon the term. Literally, and it was always, I've alwasy wanted a daughter etc.... what proably doesn't help is Fil has the same name as my dad so DH calls both sets of parents mum & *&^%, she asked me to call her mum once, but I don't feel at all comfortable with the situation so I don't.

Unfortunatly she won't admit they have a problem, thou since moving out of home esp being abroad DH has realise exactly what's going on and has copped the needle so to speak. In his view now there is to be no arguing in our house, If she chooses to come here, she stays by his rules ie/ If she gets on his case without cause she can go back where she came from! lol. I'm hoping for a Germany posting/ Cyprus, but that would mean a whole 2 weeks (at least one) of enteraining them! lol. (4 days is bad enough which is what they stay for at the mo)

any ways, Thansk for your support and suggestions.

bump

Can't really comment....I have a very obliging MIL.....she died 6 months prior to us moving from the north where we were safe to the south where she lived.... ....could rant on about what a witch she was but this is Annoyeds thread.

MIL do get better mine a real arse when i amrried threw my things in the stret etc, anyway she had to come a live with us and for 8yrs she has been a peach, and every year she goes away for three months arhhh.

Annoyed however you have every right o be pissed He is your dh and of course he is going to ring you first and spend the time on the phone to you, she may never get better, just thought i would give you hope. good rant.xxx

oh annoyed - you have all my sympathy. I think your MIL might have been separated at birth from mine! Won't hijack your post with my sorry tale but suffice to say it is pretty similar.

Unfortunately nothing positive to add as things have deteriorated so much we are not really in contact anymore and they have only seen DS once - he was 1 in October and they didn't even send him a card. I spent a lot of time being angry with them for how they were treating their DS and my DS and upset that DS was missing out on grandparents he could have had. However, the truth is that when they are in our lives it causes nothing but stress and doesn't bring anything positive. I worry that my DH will have regrets later but he says he has really thought about it and he doesn't think he will. Sorry this has gone on a bit but I guess the only advice I can give is to let your DH decide what relationship he wants with them, how he wants that to be and then you need to support him in his choice.

Sorry it's all so difficult - as I say, you have all my sympathy.

thanks guys, I do worry thou that when our little ones come along, she will spoil any girls and not like any boys, (which in my mind isn't fair - it's equal or not at all) of course I won't want her watching them thou when she's down, as I can't trust her not to have a drink. Anyayws, I supopse I shouldn't really moan as there r worse off i'm sure. Thanks for listening

annoyed - I have had alot of the same problems that you are currently experiencing
The advice that I give is well meant - and has worked for me....

MIL ( and PIL for that matter ) are alcoholics. NOTE : it makes them very selfish and very irrational. It is very upsetting and for a long time I bit my tongue to try and keep the peace.

DH has 2 younger brothers who are users and and feel that the world owes them a living ( bit like their parents )

MIL would change her affections as often as the weather changes - but all along I was her "favourite" daughter-in-law as I tried to bite my tongue ..... until recently that is ....

With the grandkids she would always give the girls wonderful presents - but my poor poor DS would get crap. This has always angered me

She is forever playing one son off against the other and becuase of this there has been very little love and trust amongst the brothers. There has always been alot of jealousy between the other brothers and DH as he is the "first born" ( very archaic attitude )
Very often MIL would play the "so-and-so doesn't love me anymore" card.
She finally betrayed my DH over something fairly important - he sided with one of the other brothers In my view a praent's love should be equal and unconditional - her's has always come at a price - and it did this time too - and since then I have withdrawn.

My life is great - I have no more alcoholic phone calls I have no more guilt trips. WHen DH wants to he takes the kids down to see them - he does - but PIL and MIL get bored easily !! and the kids end up watching telly as the grandparents can't be bothered ...

I know that this rant is long .... but MY solution is to look after my DH and kids and forget about the stupid old witch !!
HTH
God I feel better after that!!

Must re-iterate what Sobernow says, don't bother to try and help her (if that was in your mind at all), alcoholics can't be helped, they have to help themselves.

I'd say that ime MILs get better if they are reasonable people who want their family relationships to work and who accept that when the chips are down, their children's primary loyalty is to their partners now, not to them. MILs who can't accept this are a nightmare. Your MIL sounds like one of the latter - to be sulking about phonecalls when her DS is half way across the world in a life-threatening situation doesn't sound like the behaviour of a grown up, reasonable woman imo.

have to say I agree with Sobernow. Alcoholics (infact any addicts) are always selfish, its part and parcel of their illness. I had to completely cut off contact with my mother to survive, as did my father.

What you have to realise is that she will take and take from you until you can't take anymore. The challenge is to stop that before you lose you/the marriage/sanity. Its awful but, like SoberNow, I've never met anyone who managed to talk someone out of their addiction. Its theirs, it makes them feel safe and it gets them a lot of attention.

You need to be honest with dh about how it makes you feel and see if theres a way you can deal with it together. Good luck.

a word of warning - you will all be MIL's one day - watch out for DIL's

and before you all jump I've only got a SIL and he loves me!

I always laugh at Corrie, the way Gail has turned into her MIL - worse control freak than Ivy! How true that is...

I have to say I agree with all the comments about cutting her out and supporting the people who you can help and who are close to you. Talked with DH this morning about his relationship with his mother and he has completely accepted that he cannot have a fulfilling relationship with her and that it is less stressful for him if he has no contact with her at all.

Interestingly what you say about grandsons compared to granddaughters as my MIL totally views having a grandson as a big ole' status symbol. Sadly that's all she views him as - something to show off to her friends. The one time she has seen him she couldn't have been less interested in spending time with him but wanted lots of pictures of them taken together. Made me so but I console myself by thinking that it is them that are missing out on a lovely relationship they could be having.

Good luck annoyed.

More support for keeping her at a distance from me. Our relationship with my MIL has improved immeasurably since we stopped phoning her, stopped inviting her here and cut our visits there to a bare minimum. I struggled with a lot of guilt about how I should be trying to make the relationship work, she was a lonely old woman etc. I was wrong.

RudyDudy I know what you mean when you say people like my MIL are 'missing out on a lovely relationship they could be having' but I think that's a mistaken view. If she had a relationship with my dd it would not be lovely because she would spoil it. If she were a normal woman, capable of having a lovely relationship with grandchildren, she wouldn't have been so hostile and spiteful to me. She would have been glad to see her son happy instead of being bitter and jealous.

So don't waste any sympathy on these destructive people, least of all the alcoholics. Oops, sorry, didn't mean to start ranting. Better shut up.

Annoyed, every sympathy. At least your dh has his priorities right and is putting you first.

well guys, i'm taking all ur advise, and i'm not going to contact her unless she does me. (that seems to be the safest way.) Luckily, haveing my family all in the militry my side know what to expect so they are excellent for support etc... (thou i'm bias!) I agree crystaltips, IMHO I think children shouold be loved, and treated fairly ect.. or not at all, we will see how it goes, obviously I don't want to make DH choose but I think he's well aware of how far she can push before I snap.

I hope when i'm a MIL one day I will be a nice one (at least that's the plan I certainly won't be playing favourites with my kids)

I feel sorry form BIL (only 16) he's suck living there still! still I don't mind him visitin!

well, i've just spoken to DH and it all came out, yes I did feel out of order doing it as he's in iraq and all but MIL is being the usual self. DH however was surprisingly supportive this time, and has now told me if she starts again to poiletly tell her to F&K off and talk to him about it when he rings her, as he's not haivng her have a go at me oll the time for him not ringing her if that makes sence. althou a glutten for punishment I doubt i will as i don't really want to be the cause of any trouble between DH and MIL, I told him I din't want to do that as it would make him feel like he had to choose between us. his responce was 'i'm 23 not 12 she can learn to deal with it i've had enough of her ringin up pised.' so watch this space. I do still fewel bad thou as really I shouldn't have let rip like I did.

Ah, don't feel bad annoyed, you must be under enormous stress with your DH in Iraq and your MIL deciding to be part of a problem rather than part of a solution. No wonder you let rip. You have to have some support for yourself as well. And it won't help your DH if he senses you're tense about something and not telling him - at least if he knows what it's about, he won't be worrying that it might be about something else!