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Original poster

MIL.... is it me or are they all pains in the BS

38 replies

annoyed · 18/11/2004 09:21

(am changing my name for this post) Sorry for the abruptness there, but it need to be said, DH is currently away, in Iraq no less, so his time is limited with calling ane the internet etc... (even though on occassion he manages to ring me 2-3 times a week couple of minutes each time, and he's on the instant message a few times a week as well if we're lucky) anywyas, he's ment to ring her on a tuesday, which naturally I don't mind as she's obviously worried as well, but he didn't ring her tues as he actually had some work to do (funny that isn't it!) and instead couldn't manage it then, but i managed to talk to him on line and tell him to ring her last night. In the mean while thou she's sending me texts saying obviously DH doen's care about her anymore as he doen't ring her on the days he said he would, but he can obviously call me. (bloody cheek). any wyas, I let that message go, saying you know he is busy and all, so then she says, well i've had enough now, i'm not waiting in for him any more and his brother can now use the phone whenever he wants, all night if he really must.

It really winds me up thou the fact that we have enough to worry about with out her feeling so hard dun by that he''s not rung her, but instead rung me.

DH is usually pretty good, however he has started to realise what an acutal mare his mum can be (she an alcoholic) and his view of her now, is 'if she doesn't have the clarity to take 5 mintues aways from the pub to talk to her son half way around the world she can FO. Anyways, we managed to smooth that mishap over. But she's always been the same as long as i've known DH (5yrs)

My question is thou, am I wrong to get annoyed every time she gets drunk and then rings him going off on one at him? (I mean i'm naturally protective over him and why should she be allowed to demean him like that) and 2) do MIL get better as you're married for longer? (biting my tounge with this one is now getting a bit hard - but it's up to him what his relationship with his mother is)

OP posts:

RudyDudy · 22/11/2004 13:23

annoyed - what a fab DH you have! I know he is under enormous pressure too but part of this whole partnership business is to really be there and support each other emotionally even when we can't physically.

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 19:23

well rudy, he's in the bad book as well at the mo! still doubt it will be for long. he spoke to MIL after me on sun, haven't heard from her all week

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 19:24

guess u knew anyways! lol.

RudyDudy · 23/11/2004 20:38

hello you!!! Der - I hadn't made the connection at all! At least you've had a peaceful week on one front You have all my sympathies with your MIL but I would try if possible to not let it get to you. You married DH and not his mother and it's your relationship with him that's really important.

Who knows what'll happen if there were ever a lo around

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 21:08

hay hon, sorry you and MIL are not getting on so well ( I forgot to change the name) hopefully she/DH won't look!

RudyDudy · 23/11/2004 21:15

tbh munnzie I'm not that bothered anymore. They stopped speaking to us (me especially) when I was about 9 weeks pg with DS) and we've only seen them once since he was born (he's 13 months now). They didn't even send a card when he was born or for his birthday and didn't send DH a birthday card. In fact, it makes my life easier not to have to factor her into it. I do worry sometimes that DH will regret that he doesn't have a relationship with them but he has thought about it a lot and doesn't feel that he has had a good relationship with them for 18 years and so doesn't feel that he is missing out on anything.

Do you get on with your MIL when she's sober?

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 21:21

yes, we get on fine when she's sober which is normally between the hours of er... well put it this way not often!

I don't speak to DH's real dad, as he has nothing to do with him or his sm. as far as he's concerned sd is his 'dad' (much the same as mil)

it upsets me for DH more than anything. I do dread the children thing thou, at the minute sh'e busy knitting stuff so that at least keeps her out of the issue for a while! lol

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 21:22

did it take your DH long to realise this?

RudyDudy · 23/11/2004 21:44

not sure if it did take him long...basically he's never had a close 'family' type relationship with his parents and so it isn't as if it was a drastic change. Things kind of came to a head and so he was forced to think about whether he wanted to have a relationship with them or not. He doesn't believe that a meaningful relationship with them is achievable and he has a pretty full on job, DW () and DS and he wants to focus his attention on those things as they are the most important to him. And from what I know of his parents I have to agree.

Not sure I've explained all that very well (and it's taken ages!) but hope you get the drift.

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 21:55

see DH has always had closeness with him mum, in a weird sort of way... but it's a long story (basically since about 5 ish when his folks were divorcing he's been her leanin post.) once FIL was on the seen he obviously wasn't happy etc... and a lot of rows but they got thru everything etc... and things were fine until about 4/5 yrs ago, thou i get the impression it's always been the same. he seems to always go back for more hurt and upset and doesn't mind it. (my parents are still together and are 'normal' as it were) i've told him thou I don't put up whith the level of hassel from my folks so am not going to from his, it seems to be a topic we always argue about, and the only topic. OF course what i think he's annoyed about is the fact i had the 'perfect childhood' (I didn't far from it) he has a lot of abandonment issues which is why I think he keeps going back.

RudyDudy · 23/11/2004 22:10

if he's had a closeness with his mum in the past then there will probably always be a need for him to have a close relationship with her. Perhaps what he needs to sort out in his head is what that relationship should be like now there's FIL and you around. If he can get it clear then he may be able to set some boundaries with her. It shouldn't really be a case of him going back but the relationship should naturally be a different one now he's married than when he was a kid. Do you think that's part of the problem that for both of them it hasn't really changed? If she hasn't accepted that he's a grown up now then it's understandable that the person she would blame and take it out on is you as the one that 'stole her little boy' (God I hope I'm never like this with mine!)

I know it's difficult when you've had a 'normal' upbringing - it's the same with me and I used to worry about it. He might not be annoyed that you had one but he might be annoyed if he thinks you're trying to turn his into one iykwim. When I was first with DH I thought that he 'ought' to be close to his parents and used to nag on to him all the time to phone them and arrange for us to visit them, them to visit us, etc. It was always sooo much effort for sooo little reward but I thought that's how it should be cus of my experience. Now I realise that not all families and relationships work the same and you really can't fit a square peg into a round hole and it's better to accept things for what they are.

Reminded me of a quote from somewhere..."give me the courage to change the things I cannot accept and to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference between the two" (or something like that)

munnzieb · 23/11/2004 22:16

I think for him it's more a case of he wants the closeness we had but with the luxuries they had iyswim - we didn't have the holidays etc... but never wen without the loves (he finds it overwhelming from my side as everyone knows each others goings on etc...) for him the issues that his dad left at such a young age as still v v raw - he said he was going on holiday for a while and basically didn't come back. for the post part I leave him be with his lot, however since he's been away its brought a lot of old issues concerning MIL back to the front again. Of course what doesn't help thou is my being 'hormonal' at the mo!

RudyDudy · 23/11/2004 22:24

poor you hun - sounds like there's a lot of baggage there to deal with. You musn't forget as well that you are all in a pretty stressful situation atm with DH in Iraq - that would probably send even the sanest of families a bit round the bend. I have no experience of it myself but I imagine that it really isn't easy. So sorry to hear about his dad - that is really tough to deal with

On a positive note - all that's happened with my DH and his folks has made him the most amazing dad to our DS. So, every cloud.... I'm knackered so off to bed now but catch up soon. RD xxx

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