Finally broke down this morning

[HelpMeGetThrough]

Just as the thread title says really and I felt totally out of control for 2 hours, shaking, crying and unable to stop. I haven't cried for almost 40 years. I felt a fool.

We've been married for over 20 years and this week, I found out my OH has been messaging someone else, all conducted in secret. Before finally being told they were doing this, I asked several times about it and was always told no, nothing like that was happening. I've been told it's just friendship, asked to see the messages for reassurance and this was refused. If it's all innocent, why not reassure me?

Nothing I say seems to make a difference when I say this is inappropriate. When there wasn't reassurance, I asked for it to stop, there was anger and I was told no, it won't be stopped.

I love my OH with all my heart and couldn't bring myself to behave like this towards them.

This morning's breakdown frightened me, I have nobody to talk to about this. I'm in pieces over this and haven't slept or eaten properly for days.

This type of behaviour doesn't have any place in a marriage, does it?

No there isn't a place in a marriage for this. He is cheating and you need to decide what YOU want to do, but don't put up with it.

Sorry you are experiencing this. Maybe start getting your ducks in a row

No it does not. This may not be ‘just’ messaging, please prepare yourself. And even if it is, he’s crossing a very serious boundary into emotional affair. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I have been where you are and I gave my husband way too much ‘benefit of the doubt’ way too much rope to hang himself, it was a big error of judgement.

You husband is being shady.

Self care first please. Eat well, drink water and go for walks.

If I were you I’d take a tough TOUGH line. At the very least you need to really reinforce your boundaries, no begging him to stop, no attempting to ‘understand him’, just this is unacceptable in our marriage. If you can’t bring yourself to kick him out, then Google 180 and surviving infidelity, it’s a strategy that will help you get the space you need to make a clearer decision. It involves not emotionally connecting with him in any way.

Read ‘leave a cheater gain a life’. Don’t be put off if you have no plans to separate and divorce yet, it is a fantastic book at just helping you see more clearly who he is and why he’s behaving like this at the moment.

There’s a script here that’s posted a lot too which is essential reading. Sure someone will link it soon.

Please find your anger. He is no prize, he’s just a regular common cheat who thinks he can pull the wool over you eyes. You are worth more than the way he is treating you!

Thank you both. My head is such a mess, I thought I was being unreasonable and controlling. That's how messed up I am over this.

In all my life, I have never felt emotional and physical pain anywhere close to this.

I’m so sorry op, you must be devastated . This is NOT ok. After 20 years of marriage he is treating you appallingly and behaving like a total and utter Twat. I agree with pp, you must find your anger here. Who on Earth does he think he is? He can see your devastation and he refuses to stop. He’s got something going on that he is significantly invested in, that does not involve you. If it was me, I’d be slinging his shit onto the drive and telling him to fuck right off. With immediate effect. I know that is easier said than done, but playing the “pick me” game never works. He needs to know he stands to lose everything…

If you would not behave this way in a relationship, then it is wrong.
Trying to belittle your feelings is also wrong.
Take a step back and try to look at it as if it were happening to a friend, what would you advise them?
So sorry you are going through this 💐

First and foremost you need to put yourself first and foremost!!
You need to eat properly.. drink lots of water and get fresh air...
No matter the outcome you will need strength and courage....you have done nothing wrong.. if he wasnt happy he should have told you... withdrawing from your marriage and gettibg involved with someone else is cowardly and deceitful. You will never be able to look at him in the same way.. you will never trust him fully again.
Which is why you now prioritise you.

@HelpMeGetThrough

Thank you both. My head is such a mess, I thought I was being unreasonable and controlling. That's how messed up I am over this.

In all my life, I have never felt emotional and physical pain anywhere close to this.

I remember trying to explain to my husband that his messaging was wrong. I remember trying to be reasonable and not controlling, how stupid I feel now looking back. He knew he was over stepping a line otherwise he wouldn’t have been messaging in secret!!! Same with your husband, he knows damn well what he’s doing.

How DARE he treat you like this! How DARE he make you out to be difficult. Find your anger, find it and let it drive you. You deserve to be treated with respect, compassion and love. You are worth more.

The pain is unbearable, the lens through which you view the world has been shattered, it is traumatic, I don’t use that word lightly. It does get better but it takes a long long time.

So sorry to tell you that.

Unlike other posters I haven't assumed that you are female and your partner is male. I read it as the opposite. I think it does very much depend on who the person is that your partner is messaging and why. You clearly don't believe it to be innocent. Ultimately, if is affecting you this much and your partner is unwilling to work through that with you and find a solution then I don't see how you can continue to stay together. Look after yourself, if there's someone you can talk to in real life that might help.

I’d guess you had an anxiety attack, and he did that to you.
The not eating and sleeping is also anxiety.
You need to get out of this relationship or you will just spiral downwards.

So sorry to hear this and how bad you feel. It is devastating when the person you think is your best friend/partner lets you down as it is a terrible shock and the pain is awful/ heartbreaking. You feel like you don't know this person. It's a weird almost surreal feeling but horrible and gut wrenching.
Is he having an affair from messages you read?
If so is he prepared to stop messages and whatever else might be going on?
Sending you loads of virtual hugs. I totally understand what you are going through😰
Very difficult time for you and will be in future as whatever happens even if you stay together your marriage is changed forever and you never forget that time😰
You learn how to deal with it but the happy safe feeling isn't there anymore. You live a different way but the total trust you once had not there so you aren't the same person anymore. To the outside you seem the same but inside you are sad at times and can't quite believe what happened. You feel second best and that feeling that you were the special lady in his life gone. If he still has contact with lady after it is very hard to as like a open wound. Especially if a work colleague.
I really feel for you and here if you need to chat.

Are you a man or a woman OP? It doesn’t matter really, but I was just going to say if you are a man: it is absolutely fine to cry. Natural and normal and you shouldn’t be ashamed. Also- make sure you find someone in real life to talk to about this. Whether it’s a support line, or a close friend or family member. Don’t try and cope with it alone.

Of course the advice is the same if you are female or male but I just felt it needed explicitly saying.

Of course this has no place in a marriage, and your husband knows that.

You know for sure that he's lied and gaslighted. You know for sure that he's putting this 'friendship' ahead of your wellbeing.

You don't know for sure what this 'friendship' is, but it's one he's willing to lie to his wife about, and not willing to give up.

If it was simply that - a friendship - he wouldn't have lied and he'd be very happy to show you the messages to you reassure you. He would do anything he could to stop you feeling upset and to reassure you.

His actions are just confirming that he's up to no good (at best an emptional affair / heavy flirting, which was leading towards something physical. At worst it's alresady physical).

He will be now have deleted messages so even if you shows you his phone it's meaningless. But he's already shown you that he's lying and almost certainly cheating. Neither of those have a place in a marriage. And he knows that as much as you do.

For those asking, I am a man, or thought I was.

I always thought if something like this happened, I would find anger, but the exact opposite has happened.

The amazing lady I married and am beyond proud of, I don't recognise what's happening at all.

It doesn't make any difference if you are a man or a woman. (Although I get that you might feel that you should cry, if you are a man, as this is social conditioning.)

Behaviour like this from your partner is not acceptable, and I would be asking her to leave if I were you. Don't let her treat you like this.

Sorry - that you shouldn't cry, I meant to say!

Thank you for clarifying.

Oh @HelpMeGetThrough my advice is the same regardless. When they’re in cheater mindset it doesn’t make a jot of difference what sex they are. They behave exactly the same.

You are worth more than this. It might be worth going to the doctors for the anxiety attacks. They’re so frightening.

This absolutely has no place in a marriage and she is not treating you at all well. If she does not accept that what she is doing is wrong (and probably even if she does) then this is not salvageable. You need to find your angry. How dare she treat you like this, you deserve so much more!

Thank you for clarifying.

To be honest, I wasn't trying to hide that I am a man.

Stupidly I feel like I am in someways betraying her for posting this and she doesn't know, so kept it neutral.

For everyone that has replied, thank you, I need to understand that I am right about this, as my head is such a mess, I can't get my thoughts straight.

‘Stupidly I feel like I am in someways betraying her for posting this and she doesn't know, so kept it neutral.’

Hardest thing is taking off those rose tinted glasses we have over our partners. Take time out and pull yours off. I don’t buy into the idea that they’ve always been awful, my husband wasn’t and he isn’t again, he’s fantastic, but during his affair he was a horrible human being. But I do believe you have to see them for the flawed individuals they are. She’s moved far from her moral compass and will be doing some amazing mind tricks to justify her behaviour atm. You can’t reason with that. You can only draw lines in the sand.

My advice stands whether you are a man or a woman. Find your anger here op, it is NOT ok to be treated like this. She needs to give her bloody head a wobble and she needs to be shown, very clearly, what she has to lose. And you have NOTHING to feel guilty about for posting on here. She’s blown up your life, literally put a bomb under it, you are of course entitled to reach out for advice and support.

What a horrible woman. She obviously doesn't have any respect for you nor herself. It it carries on would you leave?

@HelpMeGetThrough

For those asking, I am a man, or thought I was.

I always thought if something like this happened, I would find anger, but the exact opposite has happened.

The amazing lady I married and am beyond proud of, I don't recognise what's happening at all.

Sorry for assumption that you were a woman. That was really wrong of me! Yeah totally understand about the person you knew who you thought was amazing. You may be able to sort things out but not sure yet as early days and you did ask her and she stated she wasn't prepared to stop conversations with the other party so not sounding good at the moment. My partner was leaving me amongst other things when I asked them about their restaurant visit with client. It was a awful heartbreaking time for me. This was a few years ago and we stayed together but as I said very difficult for me at times as I think about that period of my life everyday and still can't get over it as we have always been best mates. I am glad we stayed together but I look at my relationship as different now. It will never be how it was before as that safe secure feeling not there😰😰😰 It makes me cry even now but I generally keep that to myself. You have to make a decision if you can work things out if you can handle it later on down the line. My partner still has person as work colleague and they are friends at work and I have just had to ignore this but when other persons name said which is rarely I feel like screaming and shouting and crying. I feel they were almost worried about more at that time than me. It was heartbreaking 💔 The devastating feeling is still there inside. I was told it was just a meal but I think it could have led on if I hadn't found out this. There are still things I don't trust but let them go as a lot going on in my life with children and parents and just feel I can't handle opening up more boxes of other stuff/trips I think may have occurred. I could be wrong! I never totally got over this as they said some things as well that were personal towards me and they can't be unheard now. Lovely things were said before this meal and after but I still remember the negative things too so I feel I have very low self esteem now and probably abit depressed but keep this all under a lid. I really feel for you as this is a really sad difficult time in your life.

She’s blown up your life, literally put a bomb under it,

This is exactly how I feel. Everything just seems blurred.

Sorry for assumption that you were a woman. That was really wrong of me!

No need to apologise at all.

The relationship does feel so different now, I very much still love her and want to be with her. I think if I could understand the mindset of doing this, I may be able to process it better.

Give yourself time love, be gentle with yourself- you have had an awful shock and are being treated very badly by someone you never thought would hurt you. It is very hard to see the reality of them, it feels impossible to believe, and yet it’s happening.

When you are ready to feel more than upset you will do, and when that anger arrives use it to state your terms in no uncertain terms - what you will accept and what is not negotiable.

Whether you feel you can get past this or whether your marriage is over may emerge slowly, or you may realise it all of a sudden; either way take all the time you need.

You have been treated very cruelly, take care of yourself