Finally broke down this morning

[HelpMeGetThrough]

Just as the thread title says really and I felt totally out of control for 2 hours, shaking, crying and unable to stop. I haven't cried for almost 40 years. I felt a fool.

We've been married for over 20 years and this week, I found out my OH has been messaging someone else, all conducted in secret. Before finally being told they were doing this, I asked several times about it and was always told no, nothing like that was happening. I've been told it's just friendship, asked to see the messages for reassurance and this was refused. If it's all innocent, why not reassure me?

Nothing I say seems to make a difference when I say this is inappropriate. When there wasn't reassurance, I asked for it to stop, there was anger and I was told no, it won't be stopped.

I love my OH with all my heart and couldn't bring myself to behave like this towards them.

This morning's breakdown frightened me, I have nobody to talk to about this. I'm in pieces over this and haven't slept or eaten properly for days.

This type of behaviour doesn't have any place in a marriage, does it?

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

@HelpMeGetThrough I have had another thought. A great site is ‘surviving infidelity’. They have a great healing library with so much information. They have threads for every step of the journey and you might feel you can be more anonymous on there. Take a look, it’s not for everyone, but it pretty much saved my sanity.

[quote Ladybugzrock]@HelpMeGetThrough I have had another thought. A great site is ‘surviving infidelity’. They have a great healing library with so much information. They have threads for every step of the journey and you might feel you can be more anonymous on there. Take a look, it’s not for everyone, but it pretty much saved my sanity.[/quote]
Thank you. I will look this up.

@HelpMeGetThrough

Sorry for assumption that you were a woman. That was really wrong of me!

No need to apologise at all.

The relationship does feel so different now, I very much still love her and want to be with her. I think if I could understand the mindset of doing this, I may be able to process it better.

Yeah I totally get that as I still want to know that few years on. I think it's just there is a attraction 'physical' between two people and also when they are friendly and have similar interests it can happen. No magic answer. We always want a bigger answer well I do😬 It's just so difficult to understand if you feel you have been getting on together in life. We were going out for meals, best friends, telling each other we loved each other every day, I was running bath for them when in from work, cooking meals, their washing etc etc so when I found my oh had been in restaurant we had been to and lied about where he was I was devastated/shocked....didn't know them anymore. Another life I didn't know about. Also when away on trip texted 42 times, Still has contact with this person every week now on a professional level as they a client but both haven't ended that relationship out of respect for me which eats me up...... I don't say anything but I know 100 percent if anything happens with my oh again I'm done as I have really put everything in to make things work and not asked everything I want to. Tried to shut my mouth and move forward but I couldn't take it if happened again 😰😰😰😰 I really do empathise with you and hope you ok

@diedinside You have said this perfectly. The marriage has been loving, telling each other we love them, affection was/is always there. That's what I find hard to understand in all of this.

Also I have been a nightmare for others on here before as kept posting under different names in early days to try and find the miracle answer. Telling same story under different name or different parts of story to try and get different views/advice. I was terrible. Still not great😂
But I realised that you can't control other person only your reaction to their actions. You will never know everything that has been said or done.
You will have to be very strong to stay together as it's hard but I am glad I did stay but wouldn't stay if anything similar happened again as I would be broken. Feel pretty broken now. I am not the same happy person I used to be. Fake it and sometimes it flips me into better mood but I am so angry and sad inside. Some people would say I made a mistake staying but everyone handles things differently.
If you think there was something you maybe didn't do right in your relationship or something you did wrong be prepared to admit it and change that. If you feel like me there wasn't anything major you have to decide plan. But early days so just think on your own first.
I made mistake of telling a close person about it and now regret this as they were upset too and worry about me now and me and oh stayed together and I know they won't like my oh for this deep down. Don't tell too many people your business until you know definitely what's going to happen in your future.

Don't tell too many people your business until you know definitely what's going to happen in your future.

There is one person I would possibly talk to, but this feels too personal to do that.

@HelpMeGetThrough

Don't tell too many people your business until you know definitely what's going to happen in your future.

There is one person I would possibly talk to, but this feels too personal to do that.

Yeah really think and try and keep to yourself if you can as I regretted it. I now know the person I told would think less of my partner and may have told other close people but I will never know. I told this person as felt desperate at the time and thought it was definitely over. If you can afford a counsellor it might be worth a few sessions to get your head straight before you tell anyone. I couldn't afford one at time. Also Samaritans or other anonymous phone helplines and forums like this. Samaritans listen but don't give advice. Sometimes advice on here can be very blunt and not always right advice for individuals concerned. Some people are stronger than others at different times in their life. Although everyone means well and there is some very good advice on here

No it doesn’t have a place in marriage unfortunately it sounds like he’s up to no good behind your back

Sorry I also assumed you were female and I mentioned your husband (!) but my advice is the same either way.