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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner said he hates me twice in two weeks…

38 replies

theroux21 · 04/02/2022 23:19

Twice in the past two weeks my partner has told me he hates me. We have been together for 5 years and have one child together.

Last week was during a heated row. He apologised later in the day and we’ve been fine since. It had still been playing on my mind despite knowing it was just out of anger. He said it again today when I was taking too long to finish something so he could get in shower. I’ve not spoken to him since.

Both times I was really hurt. No matter how angry I’ve gotten with him before, I’ve never told him that I hate him.

But im not sure if I’m overreacting or just being too sensitive. I’m really not sure how to respond or where to go from here. Any advice please?

OP posts:

donesomethingterrible · 05/02/2022 00:02

I would tell him to pack his bags and leave if he hated me so much!!! Hate is such a strong word, I teach my DD to never use that word to describe how she feels about people.

It's unhealthy for your little one to hear too.

Onthedunes · 05/02/2022 03:06

Yep, I would say you obviously hate me so really there's no point in carrying on.

Goodbye.

LewittDee · 05/02/2022 03:07

He should be an ex-partner. Be careful, this is how abusive relationships start -- disrespect and contempt that escalate over time.

SuperSocks · 05/02/2022 03:11

There is absolutely no coming back from this. Please understand that theroux21. This is a toxic relationship that will rot you on the inside like cancer, even if it never turns physical.

SalsaLove · 05/02/2022 03:11

There’s obviously some stuff to unpack so you need to sit down with him and have a conversation. I’m assuming this isn’t normal behaviour? What’s changed in his life recently? If my DH said he hated me it would instantly kill my feelings for him.

Pinkbonbon · 05/02/2022 05:59

Ooft, out with him.

Once was bad enough but twice shows he is not sorry.

As pp said, once contempt enters a relationship its game over.

MsDogLady · 05/02/2022 07:35

His words of despisal would be an absolute dealbreaker for me.

GiantSpider · 05/02/2022 07:39

I would forgive the first time after he apologised. But to do it again so soon, and over such a minor thing? And also it sounds like it was said out of irritation rather than during a heated row. Not a good sign. Make it clear to him that he's on his last chance, OP.

Buildingthefuture · 05/02/2022 08:08

Is he 4? He’s behaving like a child, but the worst bit is, he saw how much it hurt you the first time, so he’s done it again. That is just plain nasty and not how you treat someone you love.

GeneLovesJezebel · 05/02/2022 08:09

Yep, he needs to go. You deserve better,

jo55ie · 05/02/2022 08:53

You both need to talk. Talk about how you're both feeling. Raising a child and working is v f stressful.
Don't just mentally leave or send him away. Talk, communicate with each other.
Sounds like you're both frustrated. Don't throw it all away... gently open up and see what's wrong. You love each other... but when stress hits it takes its toll on your relationship. Maybe try asking what you can do to make things better for him and vice versa... after all you've come this far

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/02/2022 08:56

So he's found something to say that he now knows really hurts you, First time he said it, he said sorry and you forgave him, he knew it hurt you and he's used it again, which means you probably wasn't sorry when he apologised the first time round. This isn't the actions of a man that cares about you.

dudsville · 05/02/2022 08:58

Listen to him, act on it.

User2638483 · 05/02/2022 08:59

That’s not how you speak to someone you love.
You don’t have to put up with that

layladomino · 05/02/2022 09:01

Hate is such a strong word, and I can't imagine using it on someone I love. If he'd just said it the once, in particularly stressful circumstancesm, then apologised and it never happened again, that's one thing...

but to say it again just 2 weeks later shows that something has changed. And you say he said it because you held him up while he was trying to get in the shower? That's hardly stressful circumstances.

Has his behaviour changed in other ways?

DrGoogleSaysSo · 05/02/2022 09:04

I would show him the door. What is he doing with someone he hates?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2022 09:05

jo55ie - what you're writing here quite apart from it all being misguided is yet another example of the sunken costs fallacy. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. Women are also not rehab centres for badly raised men nor should act as such.

This man is abusing the OP here and he has told her that he hates her. Its over because of the verbal abuse he metes out to her. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Ladybugzrock · 05/02/2022 09:09

No just no. He needs to go. That’s emotional and mental abuse. It will only get worse.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 05/02/2022 09:28

I just don’t understand why you would put up with this! Just bin him.

TiredMamaBear · 05/02/2022 09:35

How do you come back from that? I feel for
you OP. How would he react if you said that to him? Sending you positive vibes.

Mermaidwaves · 05/02/2022 09:41

Once they start doing this it just gets worse...its the start of verbal abuse. Next he will start name calling and putting you down, you're at the top of a slippery slope. Honestly save yourself a load of heartache and end it now. You will thank yourself in five years time.

updownroundandround · 05/02/2022 12:32

@theroux21

The first time he said he hated you was 'out of anger', OK, so he said something hurtful when he was 'lashing out' when angry.

He apologised, and you believed he was sincere in his apology and you both moved on.

But the second time ? He wasn't 'stressed' (particularly), and he wasn't 'angry' because you were in the middle of a row, was he ?

No, he wasn't. So the second time he deliberately (and maliciously) chose to hurt you as deeply as he possibly could !

He chose to use the exact phrase 'I hate you' because you had already told him it really hurt you !

So, instead of a 'heartfelt' apology, he was actually thinking 'OK, so whenever I feel like making theroux21 feel like shit cos she's fucking annoyed me, I'll keep saying that !'

I'm so sorry, but it's likely he's either decided that it's OK for him to treat you like shit, i.e abuse you, or he's already half way out the relationship already, and is deliberately causing fights/friction to manufacture a 'reason' to leave/cheat.................

NowEvenBetter · 05/02/2022 18:02

Believe him.

BoodleBug51 · 05/02/2022 18:07

I'd listen to what he's telling you.

billy1966 · 05/02/2022 21:49

@LewittDee

He should be an ex-partner. Be careful, this is how abusive relationships start -- disrespect and contempt that escalate over time.

This.

He is telling you the truth.

Believe him.

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