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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need a women's advice urgently

26 replies

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 14:05

Hi everyone, I'm in desperate need of advice from a female's perspective. Quick info before I explain, I'm a 32 years old, mixed race, portuguese/nigerian man and my girlfriend is an English 37 years old woman. Apart from a one year break, we have been together for 8 years now and currently trying to take the next step to marriage and kids. Only there are few issues preventing us from that. So here it is, my gf won't stop being in contact with an ex. When we started dating we spoke about this together and we both agreed to cut out our ex's. During the 8 years we been together, my gf has consistently got back in contact with one of her ex's and always lied and tried to delete/hide it. Btw he is married and lives in Australia, we live in England. The times I did found out I asked her about it, her explanation was he was a friend, after they broke up they became just good friends for years. Putting aside our agreement, where I couldn't do the same, I proposed if that was the truth, then she should be is friend openly and no more lying or hiding to me. I was ok with it. She replied there was no need, because thinking about it they weren't friends anymore so she would not contact him again. Fast forward to today she as contacted him many times since I just found out. So ladies, please help me understand all this

OP posts:

BuanoKubiamVej · 04/02/2022 14:09

I proposed if that was the truth, then she should be is friend openly and no more lying or hiding to me. I was ok with it. She replied there was no need, because thinking about it they weren't friends anymore so she would not contact him again. Fast forward to today she as contacted him many times since I just found out.

So this is what dooms the relationship. You were fine with her being openly friends with him but she pretended it wasn't actually a thing and then chose to carry on in secret.

This means that you should not be marrying her. Her heart is not yours.

Original poster

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 15:23

@BuanoKubiamVej

So this is what dooms the relationship. You were fine with her being openly friends with him but she pretended it wasn't actually a thing and then chose to carry on in secret.

This means that you should not be marrying her. Her heart is not yours.

Thank you for your honest reply. As much as I've tried to pretend otherwise or keep looking for other explanations I have felt lately what you said. Her heart is not mine. Because I could understand her actions if she had a chance with him, but knowing she doesn't have almost any chance, its really so much worse. Because for me it means that without nothing to gain and alot to lose she still decided to do it

OP posts:

DarlingPatrick · 04/02/2022 15:28

It's not that she's friends with her ex but that she has lied about being in contact with him. If she was open about being in contact and you knew they were just still friendly only then that's one thing but keeping it secret is another thing entirely. It's down to trust and it sounds like it would be hard to trust her moving forward .

Avarua · 04/02/2022 15:28

He's not really a threat to your relationship. He lives in Australia. He also appears to be a friend or "just not that into her". Maybe she thinks you're being controlling or overbearing about this friendship? You don't own her.

SoItWas · 04/02/2022 15:36

She lie

SoItWas · 04/02/2022 15:38

*she lied to you, and that's hard to come back from. No trust=no relationship imo.

Iamanicepersonreally · 04/02/2022 15:42

Hmm. Maybe she wasn't honest because she knew you'd over react. He's in another country and hardly a threat

TheFoundation · 04/02/2022 16:07

She lies to you, over and over. Why would you want to commit to her? Why would you believe her if she committed to you?

Do you not think you could move on and find someone who you can trust? Why do you think it's a good idea to have a relationship with someone you can't trust?

Fallagain · 04/02/2022 16:13

Why did she have to lie? Who wanted the agreement not to talk to ex? The not being able to talk to others is controlling. What did you have a break and how long ago?

tara66 · 04/02/2022 16:17

H's in Australia so not a threat at all it seems. Maybe she is just absent minded and does not realise how jealous you are (as you seem to be).

2bazookas · 04/02/2022 16:22

The married man in Australia is opff the scene and doesn't matter.

What matters, is that she lies to you and you can';t trust her.

Original poster

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 16:35

@Iamanicepersonreally

Hmm. Maybe she wasn't honest because she knew you'd over react. He's in another country and hardly a threat

I see your point, but I disagree. When we first spoke about this and both agreed to cut out ex's I was fine if she had some as friends, it was her that decided to cut all. Then when I found out later and again we spoke, I offered again if she wanted to keep her friend. So she wasn't dishonest because I might over react, she deliberately chose to

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 04/02/2022 16:37

I wouldn’t be happy with this and in your shoes I would not marry him.

She is not emotionally available to you and is still carrying a flame / holds feelings for this guy

Original poster

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 16:50

@Fallagain

Why did she have to lie? Who wanted the agreement not to talk to ex? The not being able to talk to others is controlling. What did you have a break and how long ago?

That's the thing, she didn't have to lie. The agreement mostly came from her. It's not that we can't talk to others, it was actually to cut out ex partners we both had still around us that we didn't have nothing with anymore.

OP posts:

Fallagain · 04/02/2022 17:15

Hmm. This situation isn’t going to change. If you stay together this will be your life. Why did you have a break? That usually happens because the relationship is broken.

Original poster

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 17:34

@tara66

H's in Australia so not a threat at all it seems. Maybe she is just absent minded and does not realise how jealous you are (as you seem to be).

So far I got mostly good advice from everyone, but there always has to be one like this, I might be wrong and you know something I don't, so I will try to be open minded and let you explain to me. Firstly him being a threat or not doesn't matter one bit. He could be living next door, what matters is being able to trust my partner. Secondly breaking promises, lying, hiding, deleting something for 8 years even if u don't need to do that "absent minded"??? Let me know how is this jealousy

OP posts:

layladomino · 04/02/2022 18:04

So you had a conversation where you said you were fine with her being friends with her ex so long as it was open and honest, and not in secret behind you back..... she then said she didn't really want to be his friend anymore.... then carried on in touch with him in secret.

You didn't act unreasonably. You weren't controlling. You asked for something very reasonable (why does anyone need to be in touch with an ex in secret??). She lied and let you down.

Even if nothing will ever happen physically between them, she has shown you that she is happy to lie to you, and that she values his friendship enough to lie to you.

Original poster

Delpedro32 · 04/02/2022 18:53

@Avarua

I dont know if you read the post properly or not, but if you did then you don't know what u talking about. Firstly him being a threat or not doesn't matter one bit. Second I said few times already I am fine if they want a normal friendship, but not to continue the secret, hidden one they where having. About the rest u said, especially "u don't own her" ?? Sounds like your saying because she is a female she can do whatever she wants, no accountability for her actions. Bet if it was a man u would think differently. Let me change it for u

" boyfriend makes girlfriend stop talking to her ex's then as secret relationship with is own ex for 8 years behind girlfriend's back."

What u think now?

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 04/02/2022 18:54

I am seeing someone, my last ex got back in contact on NY day and we went for a walk with my dog as we did many times when together, he was full of complaints about what was wrong about his relationship with someone since me, I was honest and said was happily seeing someone, but was early days - nothing physical, taking it slow.
A couple of days later ex told me he wanted me back, had changed, would be different - blah! blah! I said I'd moved on, so he tried the happy to continue to be friends and just walk the dog for now.
I thought about it, but a couple of days later told him no contact would be best as it would help him move on quicker and knowing how he feels, I think it would be disrespectful to meet up to my current chap. I didn't mention to my chap that we met up once, don't see I did anything wrong in that as I was unaware of intent then, just nosey how he was getting on. I have said I won't be seeing or speaking to him anymore, which is true.
I also have an ex in Australia, we keep in touch by email occasionally, he's married too. It's just nice to chat, I have no romantic interest in him at all and never will, even if he were to become single and over here, there are good reasons why people become ex's. I have also mentioned about contact with him in passing.
The issue started with you having a conversation and agreement to cut all contact with ex's, that was unnecessary if platonic there really is no need. The next problem is that it now appears that she is the type of person who will go along with what she feels the other person wants to hear rather than stick to the truth of it. It's unlikely that her ex is any threat, lying was pointless, so she just said what you wanted her to say.
Looking at the situation, when you discussed it, was there any pressure from you to wish her to cut ties, or any pressure from her to you to cut ties with ex's - I can also see that she may have used the Australian ex as a bargaining chip to get you to stop contact with your ex's.
Jealousy can eat away at a relationship, and it's usually all in the mind, so the only way to combat that is to lay your cards on the table and both discuss how you feel about your ex's and maybe agree to just let each other be friends with them - but, only it they are totally platonic now, Amy feelings and it's disrespecting the relationship you have to not cut them out.

Sapphire874 · 04/02/2022 18:59

To have a happy and healthy relationship you both need to be able to come to middle ground and stick to what you say and mean it. Respect goes both ways and if she is already having a hard time being honest with you about speaking to an ex and even more so blanyatly doing it infront if you whilst knowing you know then I'm sorry but you will be very unhappy in your marriage. I've been married once before to a man who had one foot 1/4 and 3/4 out it was horrible and you turn into a monster because you become to paranoid and insecure. Not worth it. Keep your.l dignity and work on yourself esteem and your overall look on life and yourself and the right lady will be happy to compromise with you and respect the things that you don't like even if she doesn't understand or feel the same way. All the best!

sweetbellyhigh · 04/02/2022 19:04

@Opentooffers

My god, how to make a thread all about you 🙄

Not even remotely comparable except you both have an Australian connection.

Opentooffers · 04/02/2022 19:57

@sweetbellyhigh you sound quite unnecessarily nasty and quite bitter, take a chill pill

sweetbellyhigh · 05/02/2022 20:13

[quote Opentooffers]@sweetbellyhigh you sound quite unnecessarily nasty and quite bitter, take a chill pill [/quote]
And yet here you are derailing a thread with your tedious life story and name calling. No self awareness or empathy in your toolbox.

Jurassicparkinajug · 05/02/2022 20:39

I'm friends with one of my ex's and its a really interesting friendship. I can talk to him differently to my other friends, he's almost like a brother I guess, it's hard to explain. There is absolutely nothing in it on either side. If my husband asked me to stop contact with my ex, I wouldnt like that. Luckily he trusts me and trusts his instincts that there is nothing between us.

The issue is she has lied about it though. Possibly she felt bad because of the agreement you made together. Also she might not want you to contact your ex's also like she is doing. I think she has lied because she doesn't want to give up on this friendship and doesn't want you to be jealous but obviously this is a guess

Findwen · 05/02/2022 22:32

You have caught her in this repeated lie, you don't and cannot know how many other lies there have been. Walk away and find someone that does actually put you first and does not have secret chats with a married man... he is after all just a flight away.

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