Tried to do the polite reduction in contact and failed😩

[HadEnoughOfIt12]

This is with a family member (sister). There is a history, of course!

I reached a point last year where I really needed to reduce contact with this person. I got advice about it on here and a lot of people said go NC, but I was trying to keep the peace in case of family funeral etc, I just wanted to be able to be polite and civil.

But she noticed this and started asking for more contact which I politely, but firmly said no to. She today then insisted on knowing what was going on and I tried very hard not to get into it and explained that with the history, I really didn't want to fall out with her. She insisted on knowing exactly what she had done wrong so I told her. Also slightly lost my cool and told her what I think of her which was not my finest hour. I may even apologise for being rude, but the upshot of our conversation was that I said I'd really like her to leave us alone. I tried being polite / civil, for the sake of family, but her saying "I've never done anything bad to you in my entire life" today made me so cross. She has done a lot of bad stuff to me and part of it is then gaslighting me later, denying she did anything, when I know she did, and then calling me mentally ill behind my back.

What do I do now? Block her? Apologise for rudeness but reiterate that I'd rather she left me alone please?

Hate confrontation, but her not being in my life is a welcome relief

The second half of your last sentence says it all.

Your 'rudeness' was probably the result of her gaslighting behaviour.

Whatever you do or say, she won't change her ways.

Choose to be free.

Thanks for your response charming. You're probably right and she'll say whatever she wants to about me to anyone who will listen. But I honestly am past caring. I'm not engaging in any of it. If anyone asks why I was so horrible to her (they most likely won't as they have all been on the receiving end of her unpleasantness before), I will just say it's between me and her.

And actually yes, I did only let her have it a bit when she started to make the usual noises "this conversation is very..odd...very strange... I've never done anything bad to you in my entire life"

I then said something she had done and she said it never happened

Life is too short to waste it on people who drain you rather than enriching your life. The crap people are prepared to put up with because of a blood connection always astounds me. You know your life will be better without her in it, so stop trying to fix things and grab this opportunity to walk away.

I have a toxic sister and went No Contact with her 4-5 years ago. My life is all the better for it. She was a fucking nightmare.

Thanks coffeecreams and sicario.

Sorry you had the same problem sicario. But nice to know it isn't just me, so thank you.

Hi @HadEnoughOfIt12 it sounds like she is trying to reel you back in. People like your sister love the drama and don't want to let it go. Don't be too surprised if she suddenly begins acting really nicely for a while. It'll be a ruse. I had a similar situation to @sicario - I too went NC a few years back and I am SOOOO glad I did. Finally get to stand on my own two feet and not put up with her abuse! Good luck and take care - there are a lot of us on here who understand what it's like. Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread on here? It's very helpful and there are regular posters who know about similar situations

Thanks @IFinallyJoinedNowWhat. I will check that out

I don't see the point in apologising or doing anything except ignoring her. She may try to contact you but ignore her calls, emails, texts. If she's done bad things and won't admit to it she won't care about your apology anyway and the bad blood ship has sailed so just get on with your life.

Thanks. I don't think I'll do anything at all. If she is up for a civil relationship where we can at least say hello at compulsory family events, that's fine. But other than that, I don't want to speak to her.

Maybe she's not as bad as I think, but to a point, it doesn't matter. I just want her to get on with her life and leave me alone. I'll gladly repay the favour

I went NC with my sister 3 years ago.

Wish I'd done it 30 years ago, the peace of mind is amazing.

I know it's hurting our Mum but my life's a much calmer place not waiting for the next bullet to launch at me.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean about waiting for the bullet boodle

I think my dad will be upset and will probably try to guilt me into taking her on again. He can't deal with her either and honestly think I was his patsy having to look after her. But I'm not doing it.

I have dcs and I adore them, but I swear to god that if they ever feel they have to go NC with each other I will never make them feel guilty about it.

I think you’ve only got yourself to blame for this situation. It’s incredibly rude and hurtful to ‘politely reduce contact’ with a family member without explaining why you’re doing it.

How do you think your sister will feel knowing you have rejected her and not told her why? Probably confused and like you are gaslighting her.

Time to grow up and learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way. If you want to go no contact that’s fine, if you want to be civil at family events but leave the relationship there that’s fine too. What’s not fine is being too cowardly or immature to communicate your decision to your sister. It doesn’t matter what her view on your decision is…it’s irrelevant. What matters is that you behave like a decent human adult and let her know before moving on.

I think you’ve only got yourself to blame for this situation. It’s incredibly rude and hurtful to ‘politely reduce contact’ with a family member without explaining why you’re doing it.

Pardon ?

I can relate. I'm Low Contact i.e. birthday and Christmas Cards only with my sibling. When our surviving parent died that was the last of the pretence of a relationship between us. Like any relationship that's ended, we have nothing new to say to each other.

(The fact that sibling was telling me who they thought would come to dying parent's funeral across the hospital bed as their life was ebbing away is just the tip of their iceberg. Hearing, if you have it, and parent did, is the last thing to go.)

Sibling even hinted (I thought) when we scattered the ashes that we could have split the ashes between us so they could be scattered at the requested area, but at different times. Meaning we would never have to see each other again.

Would have suited all parties.

I have explained it to her many times. I have said I need to put some distance between us so that we do not fall out completely. I have put up firm boundaries, following advice on here and she has ignored them and said she is coming anyway if I say no to a visit for example. I have spoken to her many times about how she treats me and she has denied doing it and then made out I'm raving mad.

But, assuming for a second that your post was right and I had brought this on myself and my poor sister was so hurt by being phased out etc, then now she won't have to worry about that will she?

And the things she has done are honestly pretty bad. For example she bullied and physically attacked our late mum who was extremely ill. When she died, she then attacked my dad and called him a murderer. When I asked her why she'd done that, can you guess what she said? Oh yeah, never happened.

She has been unpleasant and verbally aggressive towards my children, even when they were very small. We are talking 2 year olds and 5 year olds. She once pulled her fist back to hit me in the face and stopped herself at the last second. We were grown women, not kids, at the time. She screamed down the phone at my husband and me because of something our dad had done regarding his new relationship with someone sister didn't like. Absolutely nothing to do with me or my dh. My 2yo was in the car and was frightened as it was proper screaming.

Maybe I have brought some of this on myself and I can take that level of criticism from you @Buttons200 and my sister too. But I will not let her back into my life for the foreseeable future. That is my decision and there really isn't any amount of coercion, manipulation, bullying or "poor sister"-ing, which will make me change my decision on that.

Maybe I have brought some of this on myself and I can take that level of criticism from you @Buttons200 and my sister too. But I will not let her back into my life for the foreseeable future. That is my decision and there really isn't any amount of coercion, manipulation, bullying or "poor sister"-ing, which will make me change my decision on that.

Good for you @HadEnoughOfIt12

Protect your family from her.

Ignore everything else. It doesn't matter whether she understands, whether anyone else understands or thinks it's justified.

Also, she has a great technique there, ignoring the unpleasant. Copy it. Just pretend everything is normal. If anyone says 'what's up with you and Freda?' ' Whatever do you mean? It's fine!'
Just breezy, bright, 'everything's fine, busy busy, you know how it is'.

Thanks everyone other than buttons.

That list isn't all of it BTW. I honestly could go on. She really yelled at me one day because she'd called my mobile. It was charging on silent and I was homeschooling. I called her back in 15 mins and she was really annoyed. She later sent a group message to my dh and me saying "hadenough, OK, you REALLY need to make sure you're contactable in case of an emergency". We don't live anywhere near each other and neither does our dad. There is no emergency situation where we need to be immediately contactable.

Honesty, I could go on. Every visit, I've had to look after her and she's almost always had a fit about how she's been "TREATED LIKE SHIT SINCE I GOT HERE". Then invites herself to stay again the following weekend.

Will stop now, but whatever, even if it's not as bad as some cases, it's enough for me to have had enough of it. Maybe she's a delight in every other aspect of her life and buttons would meet her and they'd love each other and become really good friends. But it doesn't matter. I've had enough. I've attempted to politely put up boundaries and she has ignored them. So that's it. She pushed me again today needing to know why I needed distance in very specific detail.

But it doesn't matter. I've had enough

Period. End of story.

She pushed me again today needing to know why I needed distance in very specific detail.

She will pick round everything you say. She will undermine you. She will question you. She will tell you your reasons are not good enough/trivial/pathetic etc. She will get you on the back foot, somehow.

It's good that she's panicking. She might even be wondering what's really going on. What's been said ? To surviving parent. By surviving parent.

You don't want her calm, focussed and in control. You want her flapping and panicking.

As it goes, you don't want her at all !!

Now, have a drink of your choice and be pleased for what you've achieved.

She's kinda got used to you being where you are in her life.

So....what's all this about ? Is her view. Since when did you get the idea that you could shut her out ?

It's power and control and you have no business getting rid. As far as she's concerned.

A lot of it is, 'how dare you' from her. Even if she does not use those exact words.

Like I said, none of your reasons will be good enough for her. Because she has no concept of treating you with respect.

Like an abusive partner who just won't have it that they are in the wrong. Like talking to a wall actually.

You've put up with it for so long, why suddenly now ?

Because you've had enough.

Enough of what ? She will say indignantly.

Round and round and round you will go.

Well done for how far you've come.

The backtracking and gas lighting and denial of the facts is just part of it.

You don't need it in your life as you have ably demonstrated.

Well done.

@ToffeeNotCoffee

Thank you so much for your support

No you don't need to apologise to her.

You have put up with her awful abusive behaviour.
You have been patient and polite for as long as you could.
You then politely withdraw - you didn't owe her any more explanation for that. Noone owes their abuser an explanation.
She pushed and pushed and wouldn't respect your position and you broke and told her the truth.

Nothing to apoligise for. If you apologise she will read that as you admitting you are entirely in the wrong, she is the victim, and she will try to reel you back in.

Stay firm.

Maybe she's a delight in every other aspect of her life

Yep if she's anything like my sibling when she's getting her 'supply' i.e. attention. Preferably in a group situation such as work or place of worship.

Like you I've got loads of different examples but I've told myself not to bother with the, 'top twenty count down' of siblings greatest hits !

(Poking fun at it helps.)

I am NC with a relative who similarly denies that any of the reasons I have given for being NC 'ever happened'. The thing that finally released me from occasionally questioning myself was when I started to wonder why he would want a relationship with someone who he claimed was consistently lying and making up stories about him? If his version of events was true, and I was simply trying to make him miserable by making up events and portraying him as teh bad guy, why was he so desperate to have a relationship with me?

That was what allowed me to see that it was all deliberate, that he liked having someone to blame for things going wrong, that he actively enjoyed being able to complain about me to anyone who listened and to have new stories of my misdeeds to share with anyone who would listen. And so I decided that the relationship that I kept thinking might have been possible, if only he'd seen my POV, wasn't on the table and I could just let go.

I hope that you are allowed the same peace and release from this frustrating situation.