So deflated. Please someone talk to me.

[PawnAgain]

I feel so deflated and down.

On the face of it I have a great life. A gorgeous 1 year old, a nice home, work part time etc..

But in reality I feel so low about my marriage.

My husband appreciates nothing I do. He was all for me working part time and looking after our son at first but not he loves to remind me how I don't benefit our family at all, every argument we have comes back to the fact I don't "do anything", I can never disagree with anything he does because he just throws this in my face all the time even if it's irrelevant to what we argue about. We have lots of times, most of the time in fact, where we get on and he's kind but there is always an undercurrent of me "having the life of Riley, never contributing etc..".

We tried so long and went through so much to have our son. I'll never be able to have another child. And part of me feels like just putting up with this so I can still be with him at home. I'd be heartbroken to work all the time (my old job which I would have to go back to was very full on and long commute). Every time we argue my husband threatens to ring the nursery and ask for DS to go on full time hours.

I don't have to worry about money (whilst married), I can spend time with my son. But I feel so useless, my contribution to anything is not recognised and it just makes me feel worthless.

How can I put up with this? I so don't want to miss out on this time with my son. It's the only thing that stops me from leaving.

My family paid our deposit for our house too, it was my early inheritance and I stupidly never did anything to protect it. I feel like he'd get everything and I'd be back at square one.

How do I just put up with this for DC?

It's like I'm always indebted to him. I have to be forever grateful that I get to work part time even though this is what he also wanted. Only afterwards was it all "I only agreed because it's what you wanted and I wanted you to be happy".

you don't - that's a terrible example for your DC, you take back your power and if that means putting DC in nursery, working and kicking your useful husband out you do that.

Honestly? Work on setting up a secure financial plan for you and your son independently from this man.

What will residence look like, eg will you have your son most of the time? You could work the days he's with dad.

You may be entitled to help with universal credit. You'll be entitled to child maintenance.

No money is worth putting up with this shit. It will slowly but steadily erode your confidence and happiness.

I've been where you are now, with twovery young children. I work 4 days term time, own my own house (mortgaged) and in the long process of divorce. I'm much, much happier. It can be done, your life doesn't have to be this way. How dare he belittle you this way???

Look him in the eye and ask him if he genuinely feels taking care of his child is a worthless endeavour.
We have lots of times, most of the time in fact, where we get on and he's kind

Kindness goes all the way down. It doesn't come and go like the wind.

He should not be eroding your self esteem in this way. I’d sit him down and calmly tell him how this undercurrent of bullying is affecting you

@SunflowerTed

He should not be eroding your self esteem in this way. I’d sit him down and calmly tell him how this undercurrent of bullying is affecting you

He won't listen. He just tells me I should be grateful and I'm so lucky to have the life I do.

I am so sorry this sounds like a horrible time you are going through.
It is easy to type this but it sounds like you need to get away from him. He is clearly no good for you and therefore not for your child either.
Can your family help. Do you have anyone to turn to?
X

He’s a bully OP. You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Arguments in a marriage are not unusual. It’s also not unusual for being “the breadwinner” to go to the bloke’s head and for him to sometimes be a bit arrogant about it. But that isn’t what’s happening here. You husband is constantly putting you down, refusing the recognise the huge value of what you do for the family (I bet your DH doesn’t do many night wakings or make toddler meals or teach toddler to walk and talk). And threatening to call the nursery and increase your son’s hours as a way to dominate the mother in an argument is real emotional abuse. Just awful.

I’m so sorry that he is like this. You know him better than me. He doesn’t sound like he can be reasoned with but I hope I am wrong.
I’d suggest you start making mental plans to leave in a year or two but don’t say anything. Your son won’t be tiny forever. You CAN have this early time with him and still end your marriage.

Start squirreling money away: take small amounts (£20-100 depending on your usual spending) of cash out and pay it into a different bank account. Start thinking about what full time job you will go back to or if a house move would enable you to stay part time. Research (on a private browser) divorce law. I believe you and your son will get the house and it can’t be sold until son is 18, I’ve read that many times on Mumsnet 😬. You may find you have more access to money in a divorce settlement than you do now 🤷‍♀️ Maybe even when DH is at work have a chat with a divorce lawyer about things you can do now to protect yourself in future. And don’t sign DS up to anything super expensive that DH can then use to control you (eg “if we divorce he’ll have to leave private school” blackmail).

You can wait two years or two months, it’s up to you.

Plan your escape!

My family paid our deposit for our house too, it was my early inheritance and I stupidly never did anything to protect it. I feel like he'd get everything and I'd be back at square one.

Irrespective of him sounding very unpleasant and resentful towards you, you can't have it both ways - you can't ring fence money in your marriage by "protecting" it, that's money you've put into the family pot, no different to your husband bringing home income from his job and putting that into the family pot. It's all just income at the end of the day.

@Iwonderifiwonderwhy

He’s a bully OP. You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Arguments in a marriage are not unusual. It’s also not unusual for being “the breadwinner” to go to the bloke’s head and for him to sometimes be a bit arrogant about it. But that isn’t what’s happening here. You husband is constantly putting you down, refusing the recognise the huge value of what you do for the family (I bet your DH doesn’t do many night wakings or make toddler meals or teach toddler to walk and talk). And threatening to call the nursery and increase your son’s hours as a way to dominate the mother in an argument is real emotional abuse. Just awful.

I’m so sorry that he is like this. You know him better than me. He doesn’t sound like he can be reasoned with but I hope I am wrong.
I’d suggest you start making mental plans to leave in a year or two but don’t say anything. Your son won’t be tiny forever. You CAN have this early time with him and still end your marriage.

Start squirreling money away: take small amounts (£20-100 depending on your usual spending) of cash out and pay it into a different bank account. Start thinking about what full time job you will go back to or if a house move would enable you to stay part time. Research (on a private browser) divorce law. I believe you and your son will get the house and it can’t be sold until son is 18, I’ve read that many times on Mumsnet 😬. You may find you have more access to money in a divorce settlement than you do now 🤷‍♀️ Maybe even when DH is at work have a chat with a divorce lawyer about things you can do now to protect yourself in future. And don’t sign DS up to anything super expensive that DH can then use to control you (eg “if we divorce he’ll have to leave private school” blackmail).

You can wait two years or two months, it’s up to you.

👏 👏👏

OP the starting point for asset split is 50/50 but ultimately its based on need. If you can demonstrate that your needs will be higher it may be that your inheritance isn't all 'lost' but, as a pp said, it becomes family money at some point. How much are we talking as a % of the house that's worth staying put?
That aside, I'd work out what your local childminders charge and next time he says you don't contribute, present him with a bill for the childcare costs you as a family save by you 'doing nothing'. Or offer him the option of staying home. He won't take it. You have 3 choices. Accept the status quo, work on leaving by planning, saving and getting ready or confronting him with what can happen. He needs to believe you would leave in order for him to change and I'm guessing that's not really true right now. He has no reason to change if he thinks you're powerless to act.

Yeah know exactly how you feel - I’ve got three children worked up until number 3 - no family support so took career break. Give my life to my kids have no free time have supported his career but you’d think I was having the life of Riley. I think this attitude isn’t uncommon. Don’t have anymore children with him.

@daisychain01

My family paid our deposit for our house too, it was my early inheritance and I stupidly never did anything to protect it. I feel like he'd get everything and I'd be back at square one.

Irrespective of him sounding very unpleasant and resentful towards you, you can't have it both ways - you can't ring fence money in your marriage by "protecting" it, that's money you've put into the family pot, no different to your husband bringing home income from his job and putting that into the family pot. It's all just income at the end of the day.

I'd feel less angry about this if it had been a while.

My notice on my previous full time job only ended on 23rd December before which I was on maternity leave (which he made me earn money through).

So it's been less than two months that I've been working part time. There was a period of years before that where I earned more than him! I helped him set up his company from the ground up while working a full time job of my own, I got loans out in my name because he couldn't to set that up.

And now if I leave he'll get to swan off with my parents money as well.

@HugeAckmansWife

OP the starting point for asset split is 50/50 but ultimately its based on need. If you can demonstrate that your needs will be higher it may be that your inheritance isn't all 'lost' but, as a pp said, it becomes family money at some point. How much are we talking as a % of the house that's worth staying put? That aside, I'd work out what your local childminders charge and next time he says you don't contribute, present him with a bill for the childcare costs you as a family save by you 'doing nothing'. Or offer him the option of staying home. He won't take it. You have 3 choices. Accept the status quo, work on leaving by planning, saving and getting ready or confronting him with what can happen. He needs to believe you would leave in order for him to change and I'm guessing that's not really true right now. He has no reason to change if he thinks you're powerless to act.

I've done this. He says he'd pay the extra for them to go full time he's not bothered (although where exactly we'd get the money I have no idea) and I've said would be stay home and he wouldn't. He actually says he never could stay home with children. But in the same breath it's apparently the easiest thing in the world.

Call his bluff. Tell him to go ahead and phone the nursery. I’ll guarantee you he suddenly won’t want to.

Suggest you go back to your job and drops his working hours to enjoy doing nothing with his son.

And get legal advice, he has no respect for you and that don’t get better so find out the reality of what would happen with things like that deposit.

Congratulations on your lovely boy. Don’t let him rob the joy from it all. Treat him with the contempt he’s showing you. Get angry.

It's financial abuse.

First of all can you get access to copies of his accounts if he’s self employed? Maybe tell him something to do with the loan or working out how you can contribute more? At least then when it comes to child maintenance you can prove what he’s earning because self employed men often try to wriggle out of it with dodgy accounting.

Then your next step is to look at similar roles for you that are a bit closer if possible. With a young child you could be entitled to financial support, especially as you’re working PT, including help with childcare costs, which he wouldn’t get, so if you’re single and splitting things 50/50 he will at least have to contribute to the childcare bill on his days. (Hoping he works weekends and would have to make his days weekdays!)

Have a look at entitledto.org and do a calculation at various different incomes to see where you might stand. It’s not foolproof but might give you an idea of the level of support available to you in your specific circumstances. That can be reassuring even if you do nothing about it, purely to stop you feeling that you’re stuck and powerless. You DO have options and you’re not as beholden to him as either of you think

First of all can you get access to copies of his accounts if he’s self employed?

Yes I can.. I actually deal with all this!

I applied for some more jobs today and one has just left me a voicemail asking to speak with me!! 😳😳

Does anyone know if leaving the house at all has a negative affect on proceedings? Like if I went to stay with my parents for a little bit will I be deemed to have left the family home if it came to divorce proceedings? I want to go and stay with them for a week or so and sort myself out but obviously not if it's going to have an affect.

He's an utter twat. He's not kind - he's abusive. I would frankly look him straight in the eye and tell him to fuck right off. I'd point out I'd out earned him for years - and that he was living in a house that my family had forked out the deposit for - so he'd got a nerve talking about anyone having had an easy ride of it. He's a piss taker.

I'd tell him that if he said one more fucking word then I'd be taking our son and I'd be off. And I'd absolutely mean it.

No. If you own the home 50/50 you can leave if you want without it affecting your ownership. Go and stay with your mum for a week, a month, a year. Your house is still yours.

You need to stand up for yourself and not let him bully you.

I think you should start with some legal advice. I don’t know if staying with your parents for a week will constitute desertion.
You know he’s being cruel and unfair. All couples argue but reasonable adults don’t start name calling. I totally understand you wanting to stay home with your child my Dd2 has said the same. Took so much to get their little girl she wants to spend as much time with her as possible, especially while she’s little.
Ask a solicitor if your inheritance can be taken out of the equation, then assets split 50/50.