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Original poster

Would you tell the OW in this scenario

32 replies

mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 21:05

I'm not sure if I'm the OW or she is but anyway.

Was with ex for about 5 years. We broke up around 18 months ago and he moved out but just down the road and we've kept in contact. He met someone new and she moved in with him about 6 months ago.

Problem is that we've continued to be in contact, going out for drinks, dinner ect and even one overnight trip. I don't know how he explained his where about to her as I've never asked, but assume she didn't know. We weren't sleeping together but very close so I guess an emotional affair for the full 12 months they were together.

The feelings have never gone away and bouyed up by him telling me he still has feelings for me , hasn't hit over us and that he relationship with her is very steady and good but he's in in love with her - I decided to ask him to give things another go.

He broke up with her abs she moved out just before Christmas. They had a pre booked trip booked mid January. I told him to still go in it as it was kid for and it was a group thing so they could stay out of each other's way and be in separate hotel for the weekend.
I've since found out they shared a room and she spent a lot of the time wanting to discuss the reason fir their breakup. He obviously hadn't told her it was because of me.

I went mad and it's obviously out an end to us before it fit properly (re)started.

I want to message her and tell her what's been going on. I feel like I would want to know . I feel like he deserves to be held accountable . BUT I'm not sure if I'm doing it for selfish reasons and actually without regular contact from me they might get back together and it be a better relationship this time around.

Would you want to know if you were her? Should I send the message?

OP posts:
Sonaftersonafterson · 03/02/2022 21:27

If you truly feel he will be held accountable if you tell her, go ahead.

If it's just to appease your anger, leave it. Dignity in silence x

Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 21:41

Thanks for the reply. I guess I think that she won't take him back and he'll then actually think about his actions more!

OP posts:
AgathaX · 03/02/2022 21:55

You didn't want to tell her when you were having an emotional affair with her partner. Why do it now?

Fluffymule · 03/02/2022 22:00

Don't message her.

Nothing can change what he did, he is a man who treated you (and her) disrespectfully.

Remember that and just walk away with your head held high, he is worth no more of your time.

Getting involved in messaging her or ongoing drama isn't worth it, and after the initial satisfaction at 'hitting back' has passed, it'll be your dignity that feels hollow.

He's not a prize worth 'winning'. Focus your attention elsewhere; onwards an upwards!

Wiredforsound · 03/02/2022 22:02

Why do women keep falling for these shitty shitty crappy men? Why do you want to be with a man who treats women like pieces of shit? His behaviour is appealing. What decent man does this to other people? Bin him and go and get yourself some therapy so you don’t repeat the same mistake.

couldhavenotcouldof22 · 03/02/2022 22:03

You were seeing her boyfriend behind her back for 6 months. Do you want to explain that to her? Doesn't make you look good. Also, I bet he's a twat.

Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 22:21

No I know, I'm aware it doesn't make me look very good .
And aware of the 'well he lied to her why did you think he wouldn't lie to you' also.

OP posts:
Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 22:25

@Wiredforsound not really the question I was asking.
Ive made it clear that it's over between us and don't think I need therapy at all.
Alongside asking why do women fall for these men maybe you should be asking why men behave that way in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 22:26

Helpful though that most people say don't bother. Even if that's just for my own sake rather than hers.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 22:29

You were the OW. They were in a proper relationship and living together.

whistleryukon · 03/02/2022 22:30

[quote mealdeal20]@Wiredforsound not really the question I was asking.
Ive made it clear that it's over between us and don't think I need therapy at all.
Alongside asking why do women fall for these men maybe you should be asking why men behave that way in the first place.[/quote]
Bit rich giving it out about solidarity against men when you've been complicit in making an absolute mug of another woman.

Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 22:33

@whistleryukon
Just pointing out that it takes two... why is it me that 'need therapy' ect when we both got into the situation

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 22:35

If he was posting he’d be criticised for being a cheating arsehole. You’re here so people are pointing out what you did wrong.

coldfeetmama · 03/02/2022 22:35

I'd not message her

I'd block him and move on

You deserve better 💐

BootsScootsAndToots · 03/02/2022 22:36

Absolutely @whistleryukon 🙄

You knew full well OP he was in another relationship and you did a shitty thing. As did he of course but I don't think anyone on this thread his denying he's an ass.

Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 22:38

@coldfeetmama

I'd not message her

I'd block him and move on

You deserve better 💐

Thank you. Obviously regardless of my part in it/ me doing a shitty thing, my head is mush so I appreciate that .
OP posts:
Iwonderifiwonderwhy · 03/02/2022 22:48

It all sounds very confusing for both of you. I can’t see any good coming from sending the message though, just drama.

Just leave him to his life and move on is my suggestion.

StellaGibs · 03/02/2022 22:54

No. I suspect your motivation, whether you consciously realise it or not, is to try and destroy any chance they have of getting together again.

Original poster
mealdeal20 · 03/02/2022 23:01

@StellaGibs

No. I suspect your motivation, whether you consciously realise it or not, is to try and destroy any chance they have of getting together again.
Yes . Geez that makes me sound like an awful person . You would think given how close we have been for years I'd want him to be happy but ...
OP posts:
HelloBunny · 03/02/2022 23:03

He’s just not that into you.
Let them get on with it...

AllGoodPoints · 04/02/2022 03:20

Is this really the person you want to be?

miraveile · 04/02/2022 04:53

Well he's been having his cake and eating it hasn't he. Block and move on

Kbyodjs · 04/02/2022 06:46

She’s not the OW; if anyone is then you are even if you were together first. You were the one having an emotional affair with someone who was in a relationship.
I’m not really sure why you’re bothering with it all to be honest; step back and leave her alone

anon12345678901 · 04/02/2022 06:53

Well you were the other woman. So you're happy to have an emotional affair with a taken man, but get annoyed that he shared a hotel room with his ex. If you're only telling her to stop her ever getting back with him, yeah it makes you a pretty crappy person. It's not for her sake, it's so he won't be happy. Just walk away from the whole situation, it'll make you happier in the long run.

sammylady37 · 04/02/2022 07:01

Amazing you didn’t have these pangs of conscience when you were having the affair with him, isn’t it? You didn’t feel she deserved to know then, nor did you think you’d want to know if you were her. Utterly amazing it’s only now that he’s treated you as badly as he treated her that you’ve developed this outlook. What could your motivation possibly be?