Would you tell the OW in this scenario

[mealdeal20]

I'm not sure if I'm the OW or she is but anyway.

Was with ex for about 5 years. We broke up around 18 months ago and he moved out but just down the road and we've kept in contact. He met someone new and she moved in with him about 6 months ago.

Problem is that we've continued to be in contact, going out for drinks, dinner ect and even one overnight trip. I don't know how he explained his where about to her as I've never asked, but assume she didn't know. We weren't sleeping together but very close so I guess an emotional affair for the full 12 months they were together.

The feelings have never gone away and bouyed up by him telling me he still has feelings for me , hasn't hit over us and that he relationship with her is very steady and good but he's in in love with her - I decided to ask him to give things another go.

He broke up with her abs she moved out just before Christmas. They had a pre booked trip booked mid January. I told him to still go in it as it was kid for and it was a group thing so they could stay out of each other's way and be in separate hotel for the weekend.
I've since found out they shared a room and she spent a lot of the time wanting to discuss the reason fir their breakup. He obviously hadn't told her it was because of me.

I went mad and it's obviously out an end to us before it fit properly (re)started.

I want to message her and tell her what's been going on. I feel like I would want to know . I feel like he deserves to be held accountable . BUT I'm not sure if I'm doing it for selfish reasons and actually without regular contact from me they might get back together and it be a better relationship this time around.

Would you want to know if you were her? Should I send the message?

You had the emotional affair therefore you are the other woman and broke the girl code.
To me it doesn’t sound like you care about her a wit or you wouldn’t have had an emotional affair behind her back.
You say your motivation is telling her will cause her to dismiss him, teach him a lesson and get him to reflect on his cheating ways. You just have vitriol because he didn’t choose you.

More to the point: why don’t you reflect on why your moral compass is lacking in self respect, respect for others and why you have no problem being a sneaky other woman? Why would you participate in a duplicitous relationship with a man with a partner? You hopefully will learn that when you ALLOW yourself to be a secret side piece by even entertaining any kind of an affair emotional or physical with someone already taken it shows exactly who and what you are. Not only does this make you worse than a man trying to take a punt, but the best lesson you learned here is that you aren’t a quality woman, you lost, he used you, he didn’t think you were good enough, didn’t have real feelings for you because he kept you a secret and didn’t want anyone to know you were in his life.
Now you are butt hurt because you lost and you want to punish him by exposing him. Remember you will also be exposing yourself as a morally bankrupt loose woman.

@GothamGirl1970

I'm impressed at how you've been able to frame so many insults as advice.

Some things to think about for sure.

I think you should step back from telling her and remember why you two broke up 18 months ago.

Why did you break up?

What are the things he did you didn't like?

@mealdeal20

I am speaking the plain truth and I feel well placed to say so because I myself was an Other Woman in an actual affair which started on his lie he was separated and when I finally caught him out, I should have done the right thing with integrity and ended it immediately I did not. I believed I was madly in love with him and he with me and I carried on doing the pick me dance for months. I disrespected and participated in a huge deception at a completely innocent woman I didn’t even know. I lost my self respect and basically allowed myself to be available in case he could sneak away to most of the time just being a sex toy with the exception of 1 holiday which he pretended was a work trip AND I EVEN PAID FOR EVERYTHING SO HE DIDN’T GET CAUGHT. The advice (or as you say insult ) is exactly what I myself had to learn,

So he cheated on her with you and then you with her again. And you want to get back together with him? How would you be able to trust he wouldn't have an affair with her? Or someone else?

You are asking someone who thinks you are a disgusting hypocrite

[quote GothamGirl1970]@mealdeal20

I am speaking the plain truth and I feel well placed to say so because I myself was an Other Woman in an actual affair which started on his lie he was separated and when I finally caught him out, I should have done the right thing with integrity and ended it immediately I did not. I believed I was madly in love with him and he with me and I carried on doing the pick me dance for months. I disrespected and participated in a huge deception at a completely innocent woman I didn’t even know. I lost my self respect and basically allowed myself to be available in case he could sneak away to most of the time just being a sex toy with the exception of 1 holiday which he pretended was a work trip AND I EVEN PAID FOR EVERYTHING SO HE DIDN’T GET CAUGHT. The advice (or as you say insult ) is exactly what I myself had to learn,[/quote]
I'm sorry to hear that. I've already learnt from this that It's the lies we tell ourselves that are the worst. 'But he's the one ect' and definitely won't be going back there. BUT I'm still in a very bad place with it and I guess looking for some sort of resolution that will never come .