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Original poster

For those in relationships of around two years and in their late thirties/ forties...

39 replies

beetrooted · 03/02/2022 13:44

What role does social media play in your relationship ?
Are you friends? Do you interact?
Do you acknowledge each other or post stuff that you do?
I'm an old dinosaur and had no social media presence before I met my current partner after a long long marriage .
Wondering what's acceptable regarding ex partners/ wives/ husbands and interaction?
Does sm mean anything or is it all
Fake?

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 03/02/2022 14:12

I’ll be easier to comment if you gave more details about the actual issues you are having.

Is your bf interacting on social media with his ex? Commenting and liking posts on FB?

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 14:23

No he isn't but he has thousands of friends which I find weird.
Both male and female.
Plays online games which I've never heard of. Has his exes in the platforms.
Is that all normal?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2022 14:32

I don’t think there is a “normal”: I know people in their early twenties who aren’t really interested in social media, and people in their forties and fifties who seem to live their lives through it and add everyone they meet to their online friends collection.

I’d say I’m an infrequent user of social media and DP a moderate one: we both have exes among our FB friends and are both friendly with exes in real life. I have a couple of hundred friends whereas he has over a thousand, but has lived in several countries and so I suppose feels this is a way to loop them all in. Neither of us are gamers, but we know several people in their thirties and forties who are.

What are you finding problematic about his use of SM?

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2022 14:35

If he’s socially gregarious then I don’t think it’s that unusual to have a lot of “friends” on social media: DP and I can literally walk into a nightclub and instantly meet two dozen people we already know, for example - the fact that we have a lot of friends and acquaintances and contacts generally is reflected in social media.

I’d think it was a bit weird, though, if he was a bit of a loner and not very sociable yet had thousands of online friends.

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 14:40

He has lots of friends in real life and remains friends with old colleagues and school pals too.
Nothing inappropriate unless 8 ball poolwith world wide players is abnormal. I have no idea as I've never played a computer game in my life.
He likes every post he sees as far as I can see.... just one of those prolific likers of posts. His main sm circle is full of family and friends and neighbours.
He is on good term with his exes but on sm he just likes their posts as he doesn't see them in every day life but he doesn't make any comments on them.
I am
The absolute opposite in terms ofinteraction so I was wondering what people our age normally do.

OP posts:
Saysama · 03/02/2022 14:47

Why, though? Why does it matter what other people do? Doesn’t impact on your relationship.

Do you have a problem with his social media activity? If so, what is the problem? Can you explain it?

caulkheaded · 03/02/2022 14:57

Talk about it. Neither of you are “right” or “wrong” and there isn’t a “normal” although maybe there is an average which is what you’re looking for. Is the issue that you want to do things together but that he is on his phone? Or is the issue that he’s talking to other people than you? Or you feel it’s a waste of time to play games online? Or something else.

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 14:59

To be honest, I'm really just wondering if at this age, is this online gaming scene very popular / unusual?
He was alone for all the lockdowns so this was his social outlet whereas Inwas surrounded by people.
Just musing.

OP posts:
gogohm · 03/02/2022 15:01

Dp doesn't do social media, he looks at my Facebook occasionally if his family or mutual friends post

sosickofthisshit · 03/02/2022 15:06

I'm 41, DP is 44. Together just over 2 years. We both use SM, and we have each other on our SM and interact. He isn't friends with any of his exes and neither am I, and both of us have around 100 or so friends. I'm very picky with who I have on my friends list and so is he. It's mostly people we're friends with, family, people we went to school with or people we used to work with. He also plays games online, and I know some of his online friends. Neither of us post a lot on SM, maybe if we've been on holiday or on a day out, but we always tag each other. But as above, everyone is different with how they use SM, so what we do might not necessarily be what other people do.

coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2022 15:07

@beetrooted

To be honest, I'm really just wondering if at this age, is this online gaming scene very popular / unusual? He was alone for all the lockdowns so this was his social outlet whereas Inwas surrounded by people. Just musing.
For me that would be a massive red flag. Been there. Done that.
Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 15:17

What part is a red flag for you?

OP posts:
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 15:29

@beetrooted

To be honest, I'm really just wondering if at this age, is this online gaming scene very popular / unusual? He was alone for all the lockdowns so this was his social outlet whereas Inwas surrounded by people. Just musing.
Is his online gaming impacting on your relationship?
Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 15:42

No not at all.

OP posts:
kalidasa · 03/02/2022 15:43

I am early forties though DH and I have been together a while (10 years) and have children 9, 7 and bump. He infamously never accepted my Facebook friend request! Was a running joke. But we both deleted our FB accounts ages ago. He is nominally on Twitter but not really. I do a bit on Twitter and have been on mumsnet for at least 15 years, I don't think he even knows my names on here though. I don't think SM is that important to either of us and it's not an issue between us.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2022 15:45

As long as the gaming isn’t obsessive / isn’t something he prefers to do over other things to the extent that he revolves his life around it, it’s just another hobby really isn’t it?

I can’t see a “red flag” at all in him having entertained himself during lockdown by gaming and chatting to people online Confused What were people who live alone supposed to do when we were literally banned from meeting our friends and practically banned from leaving the house??

TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 15:54

If you don't like what your partner is doing, say so. If they don't respect your views, leave them.

Looking to see what other people are doing is looking for external validation, looking for normal, looking for what 'the rules' are. It's your relationship. You are the rules.

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 16:14

I just wanted to get a feel for what the usual is. I'm not part of this scene.
His use doesnt impact our time but it certainly ly has been his way to socialise especially over the last two years when he lived alone and couldn't see friends or family.
Im not a very trusting person either so
Maybe that's why I posted the question.

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 16:18

The issue then is that you don't feel you can trust him. What other people are doing with their computers doesn't matter.

Why don't you feel you can trust him? What do you think he's up to that he doesn't tell you about?

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 16:19

Absolutely nothing. We don't live together so Inhave no idea what he does online. He doesn't spend much time on his phone when we are together and isn't private with it or hiding it but I have a bad experience so I'm possibly looking for problems.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 03/02/2022 16:19

@beetrooted

I just wanted to get a feel for what the usual is. I'm not part of this scene. His use doesnt impact our time but it certainly ly has been his way to socialise especially over the last two years when he lived alone and couldn't see friends or family. Im not a very trusting person either so Maybe that's why I posted the question.
If you’re not a very trusting person then that’s your issue to work on with yourself. Is it that you’re uneasy about his gaming and social media and having exs as friends etc because you worry that he might use these channels to cheat? Presumably then you would also feel the same way if he socialised physically and saw a lot of his friends in “real life”? So the problem then is not that he games and has online friends but that you don’t trust him - and this seems to be wholly about your nature and background of trust issues rather than his actions.
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 16:20

If it’s not impacting on your relationship in any way, then I genuinely don’t see the problem.

People have a wide range of hobbies and you aren’t required to share or even understand your partners hobby. What other people do is irrelevant to that. The existence of lots of other 40 year olds who socialise via social media isn’t required to validate his hobby, nor would the lack of them make said hobby suspect.

Original poster
beetrooted · 03/02/2022 16:21

I think you're right @TheFoundation . My
Issue.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 03/02/2022 16:21

@beetrooted

No not at all.
My xh thought his online world was real.
MeSanniesareBrannies · 03/02/2022 16:21

@beetrooted

Absolutely nothing. We don't live together so Inhave no idea what he does online. He doesn't spend much time on his phone when we are together and isn't private with it or hiding it but I have a bad experience so I'm possibly looking for problems.
Are you sure you’re ready for a relationship? Looking for problems and overanalysing their every action isn’t massively fair on the other person.
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