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Original poster

Dating again as a single mum?

40 replies

RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 12:25

Did anyone stay single or did you meet someone else and if so after how long? I’ve been single for 5 years now and I would really like to meet someone but I never get a day away from my children (father not involved) is it possible to date if you never get time away? If so how did you make it work?

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 13:18

I’ve been single almost 6 years, have dated a few people, had one relationship with a narcissist and am now thinking being single is the best option. I am on dating apps but I don’t really have a desire for a long term relationship, I enjoy meeting new people….enjoy going on dates and sex 😬 but that’s as far as it goes. My dc come first and I can’t imagine bringing another person into their lives right now.

It is hard when you have dc, my DC’s father never has them over night, luckily my eldest can be left alone and can look after her younger sibling so I can date (when I can be bothered).

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 14:16

Im quite far off my oldest being able to baby sit unfortunately 😔 my oldest is only 10 so that’s a long way to go, another 6 years or so?! I really don’t want to be alone for another 6 years

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Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 14:21

My dd has been baby sitting since she was 13/14, I stay local though (literally the local pub). Is there anyone that can baby sit for you? It is hard and I often feel guilty for going out and leaving mine.

thefourgp · 03/02/2022 14:30

I’m in the same boat. Single 4 years. Ex barely sees kids. I tried dating but when you don’t share parenting (who wants to leave their kids all night with a babysitter one or two nights a week?) then it’s impossible to date without quickly introducing them to your kids and I’m not willing to do that. I made the decision a couple of months ago just to stay single until they’re older. It sucks sometimes because there’s occasions where I miss being in a relationship eg having a partner who’ll go to a concert with you when none of your friends want to go, undoing that really tight screw when you’re taking apart furniture, sharing a funny story about something one of your children said that day, sex! etc You can fill your life with other interests and hobbies but it’s not the same. I know that’ll not be the answer you’re looking for though OP.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 15:41

It does seem impossible! I’m just lonely I guess. I haven’t even had sex since I was 28! 5 years ago...I feel too young to basically give up ever having a relationship for what will be almost 10 years. The only single mums I do know that manage to date have an involved ex, so they date at the weekends when their children are with the father. Sadly no one will babysit for me as I have 4 children and no one will take all 4, my mum will have one occasionally, but she would never have all of them so that’s out of the question. 😔

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 15:48

It is frustrating when ex isn’t doing his bit with looking after the dc. It is lonely and it annoys the hell out of me that ex has so much freedom (can go out when he wants).

I’m not sure if it’s still a thing but there used to be some singles parents camping events, where single parents take their kids camping, a great place to meet single dads? It’s not impossible meeting people when you have dc but it is tricky.

LampLighter414 · 03/02/2022 15:55

Are all the kids at school?

You might get lucky meeting someone who works part time or shift patterns who could be free daytimes. Dating at first just means a couple hours together to drink, eat, chat, shop, whatever you want really.

Also depending on how good evening routine is for your kids, when things progress you could have your partner come over after their bedtime for a few hours a couple nights a week.

Doesn't sound like much but the opportunity a few hours of adult company a couple times a week with someone you fancy could make your life much more enjoyable.

MintJulia · 03/02/2022 16:06

I dated a single dad for four years. It wasn't easy, we spent a lot of time at each others' houses but we managed.

Then his dd turned 17, and no longer needed her dad so much, at which point he told me I needed to "get rid of my ds one weekend in two if our relationship was to progress".

I told him to take a hike. I've been single since. Am thinking about trying again from this year, now ds is a little more independent.

thefourgp · 03/02/2022 16:32

It is near impossible and I too occasionally get jealous of single mums with involved ex ‘s. But then I remind myself that dedicating the next 10 years of my life to raising happy, healthy, emotionally stable people I love is a sacrifice I’m willing to make. One day they’ll be off living their own lives and I’ll have plenty of time to date then. I do have other sources of pleasure in my life including volunteer work, learning to play the piano, doing well in my paid job, pets etc so my whole life isn’t about my children. Do you have other things in your life that bring you joy? Its good to focus on them when you’re feeling lonely.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 16:36

It will be much harder to date in my 40s though won’t it? That’s what I’ve heard anyway? I worry by the time I’m older I will struggle to meet anyone as most people settle down in their 30s so won’t be much decent guys left!

MintJulia Oh wow he sounds delightful! That would worry me as most single dads are the NRP so would have much more free time and wouldn’t understand the I didn’t

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Lovemusic33 · 03/02/2022 16:38

I’m about to turn 40, I’m not sure it gets harder as such. For me I would rather date me that don’t have small children themselves so I prefer older men (kids have grown up). I don’t find it hard getting dates but do find it hard finding anyone worth giving a 2nd date. There are plenty of single 30-50 year olds.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 16:41

Ah ok I’m only going on threads I’ve read on here about the struggles of dating over 40. There’s been quite a few so that hasn’t helped!

OP posts:
TrickyToPickUsername4644 · 03/02/2022 16:42

I split up with my DC's father 5 years ago. He's not allowed to contact or communicate with me or the children, authorised by the courts

Like a PP, I had one relationship afyer their father and dated a narcasist for a while,

I don't have any family close but I am lucky enough to have a babysitter ( next door neighbours teenager)

Its too much stress trying to have a relationship when you have little help

I'm just dating people at the minute and irs so much easier and less stress. I can't introduce anyone to my children again,

I fucked up when I did with my last relationship but I try not to blame myself too much as i was in such a bad way and so lonely, I know better now

I am lucky in the fact that nost men I do date do shift work or self employed so I can see them during the day and I don't have to pay for my babysitter but it's nice to have the option

Inthink when their young and you have no or little help its what enough impossible without as an above pp said, introducing them to your children which you just don't want to be doing

Sorry I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but it is bloody difficult

BuickMcKane · 03/02/2022 16:43

Single for 8 years now, ex is unreliable for visitation so I realised pretty early on in the separation that dating would be nigh on impossible. He's supposed to have youngest DD twice during the week - flat out refuses to give up his weekends. When I say 'supposed' to have her, I mean it's conditional on whether he can be bothered/has headache/a cold .. you get the picture. She was 2 when we separated and turns 10 this year. Older DC haven't seen him properly for ages as they felt so let down at his lack of interest after the split.

When older DC lived at home they were happy to occasionally babysit, but since they moved into their own homes and are busy with relationships/work etc, it's rare now. I tend to save it up for if I want to go to a gig or a show, I'm quite happy to go places on my own which is probably just as well!!

I'm in my forties and it's looking like I'll be in my fifties before I start considering a new relationship.

It was as bit frustrating to start with, especially when you see how quickly the ex can move on - but I decided I'm quite content with the idea of getting the most out of parenting my youngest until she's old enough to start living an independent life before considering a relationship again.

TrickyToPickUsername4644 · 03/02/2022 16:44

It is near impossible and I too occasionally get jealous of single mums with involved ex ‘s. But then I remind myself that dedicating the next 10 years of my life to raising happy, healthy, emotionally stable people I love is a sacrifice I’m willing to make this is what intell myself, it was worth it if it means i get to raise happy healthy well balanced kids who know what real love is from me

Dogsandbabies · 03/02/2022 17:24

I dated as a single mum with no ex involvement. I used a lovely babysitter and eventually met my partner and have gone on to have two more children.

Itsnotdeep · 03/02/2022 18:02

Why can't you find a babysitter? Isn't that the answer? Then you can go out.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 18:03

Hmm I don’t have any baby sitters and wouldn’t use a stranger though I don’t judge those that do.

OP posts:
Itsnotdeep · 03/02/2022 18:06

Well why not? My dds (teens) babysit locally - they get their jobs through word of mouth mostly, although have answered ads in Nextdoor.

They are completely reliable and lovely - the kids always love them, and they're reasonably priced. I think you're mistaken not to explore this further. Particularly since your eldest is 10, which is hardly a baby.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 18:09

No I wouldn’t use a stranger at all, wouldn’t mind if It was a teen I know but under no circumstances will I get someone from the Internet,
Might try dating whilst they are at school... oldest is 10 but youngest is 4

OP posts:
Dogsandbabies · 03/02/2022 18:12

I found babysitters in two ways. The first was one of the nursery workers. She was lovely, DBS checked and my daughter was familiar with her. After we moved house I asked at the school and her very nice teacher told me that her daughter (aged 24) would be happy to do it. So neither felt like a stranger. We are now years down the line and still use the same babysitter.

pintopanto · 03/02/2022 18:12

It's basically impossible IMO! I guess I could pay babysitters if I had the cash. But to spend £40+ on top of the cost of a night out for someone to look after my DD is ridiculous. I've given up on the idea now.

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 18:18

@pintopanto

It's basically impossible IMO! I guess I could pay babysitters if I had the cash. But to spend £40+ on top of the cost of a night out for someone to look after my DD is ridiculous. I've given up on the idea now.
That’s the thing it’s also the cost, mainly I wouldn’t leave my children with someone I didn’t know well and trust but there’s also the cost and I have 4 kids I wouldn’t leave an unknown teen alone with 4 kids under 11, and the cost even when I seen a teen advertising on a local Facebook group (wouldn’t get anyone off Facebook anyway) she was charging £15 an hour, I wondered how anyone affords a babysitter!
OP posts:
BuickMcKane · 03/02/2022 18:46

No I wouldn't use an unknown teen babysitter either. And 4 DC is a lot to handle for a teen!!

Original poster
RedCandyApple · 03/02/2022 18:55

At least it’s not just me, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it at all.
Someone from nursery etc or even someone recommended from a friend I wouldn’t mind but not someone from online, unfortunately I don’t know anyone that uses babysitters so no recommendations.

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