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Original poster

Lunch and a walk

48 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 10:55

Morning,

I need a bit of advice please.

About 5 years ago I worked with a lovely guy who was my boss. I think there was a mutual attraction and we got on very well. However he was married and for obvious reasons nothing ever happened.

I stopped working with him about 3 years ago, but occasionally we bump into each other in the gym, or recently I had to speak to him re some planning work I'm doing.

Each time we chat he always asks if I'm single. I'm a single mum to one child, and been single most of this time. He told me when we first started working together 5 years ago that he was married but gave the impression he wasn't very happy. That maybe once his child is older that he would consider leaving the marriage.

As I said nothing has ever happened, until yesterday we spoke about some work stuff I needed help with. And he asked me for lunch and a walk. This is the first time he has ever done anything like this with me.

I'm not sure about how I feel about this. If he is single then that great we are doing nothing wrong, but if he is married I don't feel comfortable going. I stupidly didn't ask if he was single, but presumed he would tell me if he was divorced.

Maybe it's totally innocent and he just wants a catch up. But going for a walk seems more datey?!

Please no shouting about me being a marriage wrecker. I wouldn't ever contemplate going there. But if someone is genuinely single and their circumstances have changed then that would be entirely different 😊

OP posts:
Fatherliamdeliverance · 03/02/2022 11:09

Why not just ask him if he's single beforehand? Could save you a lot of time if he's not. And if he says 'yes', ensure he means 'fully separated and living apart'.

Also, when he has asked whether you were single, has this just been conversational, or in a scoping you out kind of way? If the latter then this doesn't indicate a great bloke if he was married, even if the marriage wasn't going brilliantly.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 11:11

I think he was scoping me out. And yes totally agreed I wouldn't be impressed with him if he is married. I would go as far to say I'd never speak to him again. I would be majority annoyed that he thought I would be the sort of person he could have on the side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 11:24

We've agreed to meet up, wouldn't it look a bit odd if I asked if he was single at this stage? Not just meet up and ask?I don't know how I'd phrase it tbh!

OP posts:
resetting2022 · 03/02/2022 11:37

Ask him how his wife is BTW.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 11:46

But we've left the conversation now and just agreed to meet up.

I think I'll just meet for lunch like I would a work colleague and casually bring up how his wife is. See what his reaction is. Based on that I'll eat up and leave 😂

OP posts:
resetting2022 · 03/02/2022 11:51

See I'm probably a very horrible person, but if he goes 'she's fine' and moves on with the conversation, I would keep referring back to her. Anything and everything to do with her. That should piss off any would-be philanderer.

TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 11:52

@Cherryblossom200

We've agreed to meet up, wouldn't it look a bit odd if I asked if he was single at this stage? Not just meet up and ask?I don't know how I'd phrase it tbh!
You need to stop worrying about how you come across. You're a reasonable, sensible, straightforward person who has had an afterthought about something that's very relevant to how you feel about this situation.

If you ask 'Is this a date, by the way, or just a catch up walk? Last time we spoke, you were married.' you won't look a bit anything. It's just a question, and you need to know the answer. If you don't feel comfortable to ask him questions now, when you're totally not invested, how will you manage if you started a relationship with him and had something to ask?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 11:53

Should I ask him before we meet up?

OP posts:
Crumbs22 · 03/02/2022 11:56

@Cherryblossom200

But we've left the conversation now and just agreed to meet up.

I think I'll just meet for lunch like I would a work colleague and casually bring up how his wife is. See what his reaction is. Based on that I'll eat up and leave 😂

Lol. Yes I would do this too on the assumption that it was more a work related catch up and not anything like a date.
User2638483 · 03/02/2022 11:56

I can see your dilemma actually, could be super awkward if
A) he is single and he’s mortally offended you thought he’d do this if he was still married
B) hes still married but it’s just a friendly lunch

I think just go and have lunch with an old colleague and like you say ask after his wife

TheChip · 03/02/2022 12:00

I wouldnt ask about his wife now. It would seem too odd. Especially if he does just want a catch up (unlikely). That time has passed.
Just casually mention her when you meet up.
He may have suggested this now as he has ended things with her. Which I'm sure he will be more than happy to tell you this when you ask about her if that is the case.

TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 12:09

@Cherryblossom200

Should I ask him before we meet up?
There are no 'shoulds', except you should do what you want. You decide whether you 'should' ask him.

Do you want to ask him before you meet up? It sounds like you want to know. You could be going on a date with a single man or a platonic catch up walk with an old friend, and you don't know which.

TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 12:10

@TheChip

I wouldnt ask about his wife now. It would seem too odd. Especially if he does just want a catch up (unlikely). That time has passed. Just casually mention her when you meet up. He may have suggested this now as he has ended things with her. Which I'm sure he will be more than happy to tell you this when you ask about her if that is the case.
He'll be happy to answer any question she asks, any time she asks it, if he's a compatible friend or relationship partner for her.
FlapsInTheWind · 03/02/2022 12:13

Don't think any more about it until the day. Assume he is still married and it's a friendly catch up about old times. Do as PPs have said and ask how the wife is and take it from there.

You have said you won't be his bit on the side so it's all good.

Play it by ear as they say.

Feelingoktoday · 03/02/2022 12:13

@Cherryblossom200

We've agreed to meet up, wouldn't it look a bit odd if I asked if he was single at this stage? Not just meet up and ask?I don't know how I'd phrase it tbh!
No it wouldn’t be odd. Stop being so nice (generally that’s how women are taught to behave). Ask him before you boost his ego by going for lunch with him.
Feelingoktoday · 03/02/2022 12:15

@Cherryblossom200

Should I ask him before we meet up?
Yes. Why should you flatter his married ego.
Feelingoktoday · 03/02/2022 12:16

If he is married of course.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 13:10

I've had a think about things, I'm going to go for lunch and treat as ex work colleagues - which we are. I see no harm in it. I'll broach the subject about his wife and if he is still married, then I'll politely skip the walk.

He is a lovely guy and always been a good friend when I've needed him. So I don't want to spoil that and cause unnecessary drama,

It could be entirely innocent!

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 03/02/2022 13:28

You can go for a walk with an ex work colleague for a catch up, you know. It doesn't cross the line into being an affair, especially not if he's told you he's married and is openly talking about his family life.

DatingDinosaur · 03/02/2022 18:21

As you’ve already agreed to meet, why not treat it as a “catch up coffee”, be all bright and breezy, and as part of the catch up just ask how his wife is? No big deal – it’s not as if he’s hidden the fact he WAS married.

The cynic in me would ask face to face to read his reaction though (and trust what my gut feelings pick up on there).

And I’d be VERY wary of him saying anything along the lines of “we’re in the middle of divorcing” or some such thing. I’d definitely keep my distance if that was the case.

And, I'd be wary if he's happy to talk about his wife/kids... then tries to arrange another catch up coffee for the near future.

But no, a one-off catch up meet between two colleagues is no big deal. Just enjoy it at face value until you know more.

I think you maybe “like” him a little bit and don’t want to get your hopes up perhaps?

RedFishYellowFish · 03/02/2022 18:30

I'd avoid OP. As far as you know he's married and already has form for scoping you out , whilst he was definitely still with his wife.

AllGoodPoints · 05/02/2022 23:30

He told me when we first started working together 5 years ago that he was married but gave the impression he wasn't very happy. That maybe once his child is older that he would consider leaving the marriage.

Both of you were completely unprofessional and also disrespectful to his wife. He sounds like a sleaze and you sound naive, at best.

RoyKentsChestHair · 06/02/2022 00:04

@AllGoodPoints

He told me when we first started working together 5 years ago that he was married but gave the impression he wasn't very happy. That maybe once his child is older that he would consider leaving the marriage.

Both of you were completely unprofessional and also disrespectful to his wife. He sounds like a sleaze and you sound naive, at best.

Yeah the old “only together for the children” “my wife doesn’t understand me” bullshit. Tale as old as time.
Lilolily · 06/02/2022 00:35

Isn’t he on social media? Can usually get an idea from there.

MsDogLady · 06/02/2022 00:43

In my view, he clearly crossed boundaries when he humiliated his wife by disparaging his marriage to you, his employee/colleague with whom he shares a mutual attraction. Not my idea of lovely.

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