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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Lunch and a walk

48 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 03/02/2022 10:55

Morning,

I need a bit of advice please.

About 5 years ago I worked with a lovely guy who was my boss. I think there was a mutual attraction and we got on very well. However he was married and for obvious reasons nothing ever happened.

I stopped working with him about 3 years ago, but occasionally we bump into each other in the gym, or recently I had to speak to him re some planning work I'm doing.

Each time we chat he always asks if I'm single. I'm a single mum to one child, and been single most of this time. He told me when we first started working together 5 years ago that he was married but gave the impression he wasn't very happy. That maybe once his child is older that he would consider leaving the marriage.

As I said nothing has ever happened, until yesterday we spoke about some work stuff I needed help with. And he asked me for lunch and a walk. This is the first time he has ever done anything like this with me.

I'm not sure about how I feel about this. If he is single then that great we are doing nothing wrong, but if he is married I don't feel comfortable going. I stupidly didn't ask if he was single, but presumed he would tell me if he was divorced.

Maybe it's totally innocent and he just wants a catch up. But going for a walk seems more datey?!

Please no shouting about me being a marriage wrecker. I wouldn't ever contemplate going there. But if someone is genuinely single and their circumstances have changed then that would be entirely different 😊

OP posts:

Flutterflybutterby · 06/02/2022 03:45

Even if he's now separated, I'd personally be very put off going on a date with a guy who was flirting with another women and even lining up his next relationship when he was still married. This behaviour sounds very inappropriate and sleazy. I'd not be able to trust him after this.

Onthedunes · 06/02/2022 14:13

He told me when we first started working together 5 years ago that he was married but gave the impression he wasn't very happy. That maybe once his child is older that he would consider leaving the marriage

Yeah, he sounds like a real diamond.

RantyAunty · 06/02/2022 15:05

Search for him on social media to see if he's still married.

Would you be going on a walk and lunch with him if he's still married?

Why didn't you ask him if he was still married before accepting a lunch and walk with him?

Of course he didn't ask you for a walk and lunch to catch up as old colleagues.

Onthedunes · 06/02/2022 15:29

*Why didn't you ask him if he was still married before accepting a lunch and walk with him?

Of course he didn't ask you for a walk and lunch to catch up as old colleagues*

Looks like he is back for round two of the affair.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/02/2022 16:35

Could you look him up on Facebook and see if he’s single now. If he’s not I wouldn’t do the lunch or walk if there’s an attraction there.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 07/02/2022 13:35

His Facebook doesn't reveal anything, I've tried doing the social media stalking and can't find anything.

I see no problem with going for a quick lunch, but I definitely wouldn't go for a walk.

I agree, He behaviour was wrong, if he is like this in his marriage then he will do the same thing to his next partner. And that won't be me!

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/02/2022 14:10

Would you be happy with your DH if you were married having a quick lunch with a woman he is attracted to?

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 07/02/2022 14:28

This is the thing, I don't know if he is attracted to me. This could be entirely innocent and just a catch up with an ex work colleague.

I value his advice and he has helped me out a lot in the past with work. I could be reading his completely wrong and don't want to make a bigger deal out of this than need be?

OP posts:

poetryandwine · 07/02/2022 15:10

I like your plan, OP. Unless he tells you clearly that he is single, you can have a friendly lunch and leave, preserving your professional relationship.

If he is divorced, or we’ll and truly separated, I will be hoping for good weather.

poetryandwine · 07/02/2022 15:11

Edit: well and truly

RantyAunty · 07/02/2022 16:16

When is the lunch?

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 07/02/2022 16:28

Next week.

I've thought about this, it is important that I go and just be friendly but professional. This is someone who used to be my boss and I need him to provide a reference for me soon! First and foremost I need to protect our professional relationship. But not cross the line either 👍

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 07/02/2022 16:33

I'd get the reference before you meet up.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 07/02/2022 16:43

You wrote that there was a mutual attraction in your opening post.

MsDogLady · 07/02/2022 23:07

I need to protect our professional relationship.

Of concern is that professional boundaries have already been blurred. He has ‘always been a good friend.’ You are attracted and think it’s mutual. He has slagged off his marriage to and you think he’s been ‘scoping you out.’

He invited you for a walk, so his interest is not professional. It is possible that he is now single. If so, how will you handle his asking you for a date during your lunch?

MsDogLady · 07/02/2022 23:09

...has slagged off his marriage to you…

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 08/02/2022 15:35

Update...I found his wife on Instagram. It they are still married. So now I have to figure out how to get of this 🧐

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 08/02/2022 17:34

Hey boss/man/blurred line friend,

I can’t meet for lunch after all, can you email me the reference?

Cheers

Cherryblossom.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 08/02/2022 18:37

🤣 sounds blunt but good! 👍

OP posts:

RantyAunty · 08/02/2022 19:05

Good you found out.

Onthedunes · 08/02/2022 19:20

Bit insulting really isn't it?, him thinking you would go there with a married man.

Full of himself.

Original poster

Cherryblossom200 · 08/02/2022 19:59

Yes I do find it insulting tbh. Because I thought he would think better of me. This kind of sordid rubbish doesn't interest me.

If he was divorced then that would be a different story. But he isn't.

I know from my situation, when I was with someone for 15 year (we met very young) we weren't married and had no kids. So slightly different, but it was still a LTR and we drifted apart, we stayed together longer than we should of and both of us checked out of the relationship. We were unhappy, and I started looking at men differently, and I know he did with women. But we didn't act on it. I think you'd all be lying if you didn't check out other people when you know the relationship is coming to an end but your lives are so entangled by property/family etc it seems easier to stay. But one day I made the decision to break up with my ex and it was the best decision I could have made. The I could freely see whoever I wanted. And there was so guilt attached. I never crossed the line by going on cosy walks while I was still with my ex, this just seems so wrong.

OP posts:

altmember · 08/02/2022 20:15

Given the way you've explained it, I would assume the meeting is to give you the help with work that you contacted him to ask for. Could be perfectly innocent - two ex colleagues meeting for a catch up and to discuss work related matters.

So go on that basis. By all means ask him about his wife while you're making small talk. But don't up and leave half way through unless he's still married and coming on to you.

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