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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hiding drinking

35 replies

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 10:51

My husband drinks a lot as it is. Most nights at home/weekends. Always been a big drinker and comes from a family of big drinkers borderline alcoholics. Not that he would agree. Absolute denial as according to them they justify it by saying, everyone has a drink and drink to these levels.

Anyway, ive been raising his drinking a lot over the years, which falls on deaf ears. Over the last six months a strange thing has happened where he doesnt appear to drink at home (or hardly diring the week) but looks like hes had some and repeats himself as if hes been drinking. Ill find a washed up wine glass or beer glass on the drainer that wasnt there before. Or ill get close and can smell it on his breath. Mainly happens if he gets home before me and i will be late at the shop say, so hes got an hour, then i get in and he wont have a drink its all cleared away.

OP posts:

Sicario · 03/02/2022 11:13

What outcome do you want?

Problem drinkers are notoriously protective of their alcohol intake. They will deny it or minimise it (e.g. "it's only a couple of beers").

If you believe his drinking is now a problem, then you can try tackling him about it directly. For example, "I think we need to talk. I'm really worried about your drinking."

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he becomes defensive or angry, then it's out of your hands.

You can't stop someone drinking. Only they can make that choice.

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 11:22

I almost feel like in paranoid and im hyper aware of his drinking. I mean, hes on a free for all Thurs-Sun as its the weekend in his eyes. He says he wants to be healthy and eat well etc but then never does it, which is frustrating. Hes closing in on late 40s now and still drinks like hes 21. Very sad and i cant see him changing.

When i do talk to him about it, he does get defensive, angry, moody and sarcastic. Then its like treading on egg shells. He will have a number of reasons to justify his drinking- rubbish day/stress/traffic/football on tv even down to what hes eating eg italian food needs a glass of red wine with it.

I have considered leaving i must admit. Im scared to go it alone

OP posts:

Sicario · 03/02/2022 11:26

Going it alone is a lot better than living with an alcoholic. Trust me on that. I was married to one.

What if you were to tell him, "this is a deal-breaker for me. I do not want to live with an alcoholic" ?

Sicario · 03/02/2022 11:27

Also - I firmly believe that a lot of women are conditioned from an early age to think that they cannot stand on their own two feet and that they need a man/marriage/whatever.

This is complete bullshit.

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 11:37

I think if i said that he would continue to be defensive about it and say im wrong and making a massive mistake. He would probably move out to a friends house and continue to drink whilst wallowing in self pity…

Thank you for your responses, im just tired of this.

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Sicario · 03/02/2022 11:51

I really feel for you. In my experience, problem drinkers only ever get worse. Something really bad has to happen before they face up to reality, and even then they might not stop.

The "wallowing in self pity" is very common. Hence the phrase, "poor me, poor me, pour me another drink".

I really wish I had thrown the towel in a lot earlier in that marriage. It was bloody awful. You can't help a drinker, and they will blame you for everything anyway.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/02/2022 12:08

Do you want kids? Or already have them?

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 12:13

Ive got children, school age

OP posts:

pointythings · 03/02/2022 12:25

Like Sicario I've been there. I also stayed too long. Life with an alcoholic is hell - don't put your children through it. Drinking in secret is a bad sign - mine did it too. Alcohol killed him - he was 58.

Start by getting support from Al-Anon or a similar group. Think about what you want your life and your future to be. Going it alone is not that bad.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/02/2022 12:27

Growing up with an alcoholic parent in the house is so incredibly damaging for children. It affects their entire lives forever.

Some go on to have alcohol problems themselves, some heartbreakingly end up repeatedly with addicts of alcohol / drugs as the behaviour has been so normalised to them.

Do you let him drive the kids anywhere at all?

Sicario · 03/02/2022 12:28

I felt terrible about breaking up my marriage because we had children. What right did I have to break up a family? It was an awful dilemma. That's why I stuck it out for so long.

The bottom line was that I couldn't be a good parent if I was unhappy, and I could no longer tolerate living with the alcoholic.

I realise now that it was absolutely the right thing to do. It saved my children from growing up in a household with an alcoholic father.

I would make the same choice in a heartbeat.

theemmadilemma · 03/02/2022 12:29

Yep I recognise all those traits. He knows it's enough of an issue for you at this point that he's just hiding it now in some cloudy belief that you aren't figuring it out, hoping it will make the whole conversation go away because frankly he's not ready to deal with it yet. Can't deal with yet.

I say this as a sober alcoholic, 2 and half years sober.

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 12:38

Thanks @pointythings i have spoken to AlAnon who told me he sounds like a binge drinker (no drinking in the day but will drink probably 4 cans at night/3large 660ml bottles).

@youvegottenminuteslynn i know, its so terribly difficult to break away. Hes shown himself up many times by lacking patience and shouting at the children when having had a drink. I tend to deal with them enabling him i suppose to sit and consume his drink.

@Sicario i feel really unhappy. Like im not considered. I make everyone else happy at my expense. Often i feel like i cannot parent properly as if there is an issue, he blows things up and cannot have a calm conversation with them as to why it happened. So i deal with it myself and im exhausted. I think the house would be calmer without him there. I cannot rely on him to deal with things. In a way it feels like i parent alone as it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 12:40

@theemmadilemma i feel with him hiding it, idk if hes been drinking or not! How can i ask him to drive the kids anywhere? Its just another job for me to take on

OP posts:

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 12:42

Its like during the day, when hes not drinking, hes fine. We get on well. But evenings and weekends are difficult

OP posts:

pointythings · 03/02/2022 12:42

GreenPot all those things sound like you know what you need to do. It's clear that his drinking is already having an adverse effect on your DC. Some alcoholics do find recovery, but they have to want to do it - there is nothing anyone else can do to make them stop drinking. My sister's DP got sober when he realised he stood to lose everything and is now 11 years sober, but it came from him.

Your husband is solidly in denial. Please protect your children and start planning to leave.

Sicario · 03/02/2022 12:48

I stopped expecting (or indeed wanting) any input from him because it would always be more trouble than it was worth. Often, it would escalate into "a situation", which would always be my fault.

I started bargaining with myself, "well, if I can be happy for 50% of the time then that's ok", or "marriage is tough, I just need to work at it harder", and so on until there was literally nothing left of me.

He wasn't the one who hit rock bottom. It was me. I almost ruined my life. How I found the strength to decide NO MORE really is a mystery to me.

The sea-change once he had gone was shocking. It was only when it was over that I could see just how bad things had got. It was like the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. My household was so happy - me, the kids - we never looked back.

Alcoholics ruin lives.

Suzanne999 · 03/02/2022 12:59

All signs of alcoholism.
There are also different stages. It will get to the point ( probably has) that he has alcohol in his system all the time, it never clears. So he doesn’t have to drink much to look and sound drunk, he’s just topping up.
Living with an alcoholic never gets better. My ex went from drinking after work to throwing in his job and drinking all day. Got a p/t job and had several embarrassing incidents ( pissed at a company dinner, taxi drivers refused us both even though I was sober so stranded in foreign city centre, He was ejected from an awards ceremony, tried to kick windscreen out of car while I was driving)
He couldn’t pay bills so I paid them, he was slowly bankrupting me.
Then moved on and became threatening. I cannot emphasise enough how awful it can become. I was terrified I’d lose my job as he threatened to call my company and tell them I was stealing ( I wasn’t of course)
It. Is. Hell.

Plan your way out. I escaped with nothing except a car full of clothes, books and a few household bits. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and I began to live again, not just exist.

pointythings · 03/02/2022 13:00

Sicario you've just completely described how it was for me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2022 13:02

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

The 3cs of alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it

Please do not further do your bit here to keep on exposing your kids as well as your own self to your H's alcoholism. Its doing you and they no favours at all in seeing all of this and it will affect them markedly as well. They could also all too easily become codependent (like you are) and/or go onto to find alcoholics as partners; they are likely to be already quiet and hyper responsive to the uneasy mood present in your home. You've been playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses for a while now; codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). Also trying to talk to him about his drinking is about as effective as peeing in the ocean. You're also not fully emotionally available to your kids because of your constant preoccupied state re his drinking.

You absolutely need to get off this merry go around named denial here before you and your kids are further dragged down by him and his inherent alcoholism.

Protect your own self and your kids now via divorcing him because his primary relationship is with drink, not you people, and infact never has been. You can only help your own self ultimately and he does not want your help and or support; you people to him interrupt his drinking time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2022 13:06

Your comment, "I make everyone else happy at my expense" is very sad.

Where did this really start with you; were you also trying to please an all too demanding or otherwise miserable parent in your childhood?.

Original poster

GreenPot · 03/02/2022 13:32

Something needs to change

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2022 13:43

He won't change; this is who he is. And these relationships furthermore often go one way - further downhill.

Only you can change how you react to him. I would urge you to put your own self and your kids front and centre now; make them and you the priority.

pointythings · 03/02/2022 14:21

The only thing you have the power to change is you. You are powerless to change him and his relationship with alcohol. Taking that in is your first step to your own recovery.

laptoppppp · 03/02/2022 15:38

i have name changed but i split from my partner of 15 yrs and father to our children in 2020. I had been in denial about his alcoholism for years but the first lockdown brought it all tumbling down.

He would drink in secret, hide bottles, get incredibly defensive, stop drinking for months at a time and keep to weekends etc etc I rationalised everything away for so very long.

It helped that he had obviously found a bit of the side [albeit virtually] so the drinking became silly. I sought out advice from mumsnet [one of the ladies on this thread in particular gave me advice and support that quite frankly saved my life at that point]. i tried everything - absolutely everything.

i asked him to leave and restructured my life and finances to make it work. It was awful and i broke. I did not realise but over the years i had made my world as small as possible to make things work at home - i had no friends and no support. However, the clouds lifted and it is the best thing i have ever done.

He loved the first few weeks and then once he realised what he had lost he really plummeted. He has been in and out of AA and other support groups since but i have no interest in him nor his addiction anymore [other than how it effects the children].

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