Hiding drinking

[GreenPot]

My husband drinks a lot as it is. Most nights at home/weekends. Always been a big drinker and comes from a family of big drinkers borderline alcoholics. Not that he would agree. Absolute denial as according to them they justify it by saying, everyone has a drink and drink to these levels.

Anyway, ive been raising his drinking a lot over the years, which falls on deaf ears. Over the last six months a strange thing has happened where he doesnt appear to drink at home (or hardly diring the week) but looks like hes had some and repeats himself as if hes been drinking. Ill find a washed up wine glass or beer glass on the drainer that wasnt there before. Or ill get close and can smell it on his breath. Mainly happens if he gets home before me and i will be late at the shop say, so hes got an hour, then i get in and he wont have a drink its all cleared away.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s really difficult and, like many on here, I’ve been there too. My advice is don’t doubt yourself! If you suspect he’s got a problem, it’s because he has. If you suspect he’s been drinking secretively, it’s because he has. If you are having to tread on egg shells because he reacts badly to you raising the subject, it’s because both of you know he has a problem.
I spent years wondering if o was blowing it out of proportion. I wasn’t. In fact, most of the time the opposite is true and the problem is already even worse than you realise.
The sad truth is that very few manage to break free of addiction but YOU can get away. I left it much longer than I should but am so glad I pulled the plug on my marriage.
Last piece of advice- don’t let him drive your children anywhere, ever. Even a binge drinker is likely to spend a lot of the day (if not all of it) over the limit.
I really wish you good luck.

Thank you for all of your responses

V sad about your H, and his family.

YOUR choices so far haven’t helped your DC. You can minimise further negative impact on them by ending the relationship.

@GreenPot I’m at the end of years if this and am about to move into my new house with my DC and divorce DH. He hid drinking from me for five years, then got sober (so he told me) three years ago but never really addressed things. He relapsed last year but I only found out at Christmas.
My mental health really suffered when we were trying to work on things and he apparently wasn’t drinking - I lost trust for him, felt totally betrayed and broken by the gaslighting, and couldn’t bear the fact that I now watched him like a hawk.
In some ways I held on so long because I was desperately trying to keep things ‘normal’ for the children. I’m only now starting to appreciate the toll it’s taken on me and see some of his behaviour as abusive. I still struggle to have good boundaries with him and worry about him (as my previous posts might show!)
Interestingly when we separated last summer he immediately ‘fell in love’ with someone else (again I only found that out at Christmas and by snooping…) - my therapist, who is usually so careful, said she felt he had narssistic tendencies and couldn’t cope without someone to fill an emotional void. It actually helped me set clear boundaries to know he can easily find someone else to prop him up.
If any of that resonates then always happy to chat here or DM

Ps, I’m not a naive person but he duped me for YEARS. It is amazing the lengths an addict will go to to preserve their behaviour.

Oh and as @AFitOfTheVapours says, be careful with him driving the kids. STBXDH now has to send me brethalyser results before he drives them anywhere and he can’t have them alone overnight.
Once I knew he’d been drinking again at Christmas I knew I had a safeguarding responsibility towards the children and I’d be neglecting them if I didn’t take action. Obviously he’s been furious about all this and I’ve really struggled to be firm on it, but I’m trying to be blinkered and focus on DC

@Levithecat thank you. Yes i watch my DH like a hawk too. I often count up the units he drinks and i when i talk to him about his drinking from a units perspective (in his mind, hes not an alcoholic as he doesnt drink spirits), he looks at me like im talking a different language. Im just so sick and tired of all this. I barely drink as im always on with the kids, driving etc. not that it bothers me these days but when we first met i suppose i drank like him (although in fairness i was 18)! Ive changed over the years, he hasnt

Yesterday I went to my support group (yes, I still go even though my husband is almost 4 years dead - damage to mend and knowledge to pass on!) and one of our people said 'well, at least he doesn't steal from me' - she's still coming to terms. Our facilitator pointed out to her that yes, he had stolen from her - he'd stolen her peace of mind.

Your DH is stealing yours.

@pointythings

How was your weekend @GreenPot ?

As you might have gathered from @pointythings posts, the lasting damage done by secret drinkers doesn't happen overnight. By the time we realise what's happening and how deeply entrenched it has all become, it's already affected us deeply.

Hope you are doing ok and working towards a better future.