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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can’t I talk to my DH ?

29 replies

GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 10:35

Looked on out bank account and it’s showing that he went to a supermarket 30 minutes away that we would never go to. Plus he’s taken £50 cash out but it’s not in his wallet.
What is stopping me asking him ?
I know it’s not an affair, and if it was it would be the perfect excuse to end the marriage.
I think our marriage is so shit that I’ve taught myself to not care and not be interested, but maybe he has somehow conditioned me not to ask.
I really don’t know.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 03/02/2022 13:54

I’m naturally inclined to think the worst of people, admittedly, but if your mind jumped to the same conclusion that mine did, I can understand why you wouldn’t want to ask him. If it is that, it would force you to make a decision you might not be ready to make.

What’s stopping you from leaving if it’s shit?

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 13:55

It’s easier to stay.

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 03/02/2022 13:56

Why would you think he's having an affair?

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 13:58

I don’t. I wrote that I know it’s not,

OP posts:
JohannSebastianBach · 03/02/2022 14:00

If it's shit what does it matter which supermarket he went to?
You can end a relationship for any reason you want.

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:00

This is about why can’t I talk to him. Surely as a wife I should be able to ask this without feeling anxious, and I think I have a right to know.
I can’t work out if it’s because I don’t want a potential argument, or if he has somehow treated me in a way I now feel I can’t ask.

OP posts:
Mintfullness · 03/02/2022 14:03

Did he go to that supermarket to withdraw money from a different atm
Is he aware you could see the withdrawal anyway
What was his reason for leaving the house this morning
Did he say he was buying something
Maybe it's a valentines gift for you
If you really want to know, ask
You'll know from his reaction
You can just avoid further confrontation if it's bad and you want to stay and act like you believe him

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:05

Sorry, the supermarket and cash seems to be muddying the waters. Forget that.
As I said, it’s about not being able to ask him something. I’ve developed a sort of fear, yet he’s not a bit violent. I’m not at all scared of him.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 14:06

Why is your relationship shit?

Eviebeans · 03/02/2022 14:09

I think it's probably different thinking it's shit and having checked out emotionally but still staying to being faced with the possibility that you'll ask and be faced with something you'll be forced to address.

bigbluebus · 03/02/2022 14:10

When I spot strange transactions on our joint bank account I usually just bill it as checking it's not a fraudulent transaction.

I'm not checking up on DH but I deal with the finances mostly - he rarely looks at the account so it would be easy for transactions to slip through unnoticed if it was left to him.
If your DH was up to no good, surely he wouldn't be using a joint bank account where he knows you would see the transaction - unless it's his cowardly way of letting you know he's playing away!

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:11

@bigbluebus

When I spot strange transactions on our joint bank account I usually just bill it as checking it's not a fraudulent transaction. I'm not checking up on DH but I deal with the finances mostly - he rarely looks at the account so it would be easy for transactions to slip through unnoticed if it was left to him. If your DH was up to no good, surely he wouldn't be using a joint bank account where he knows you would see the transaction - unless it's his cowardly way of letting you know he's playing away!
I don’t think he’s having an affair !
OP posts:
Onthedunes · 03/02/2022 14:12

He is not one bit violent.

You are not scared of him.

His conditioning has worked, you don't even need threats.

Sometimes women can be so controlled that they don't even know how in line they are.
A look can do it, the tone of voice, an atmosphere can prevent them from asking questions and being open and safe in a relationship.

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:12

@Eviebeans

I think it's probably different thinking it's shit and having checked out emotionally but still staying to being faced with the possibility that you'll ask and be faced with something you'll be forced to address.
Yes, I think you’re right.
OP posts:
leafcuttingwhale · 03/02/2022 14:16

I presume you are anxious about an argument ensuing if you ask?

And that is one of the reasons your marriage is shit?

Having said that, I would not be at all happy about a partner of mine questioning what supermarkets I went to or checking my wallet for money.

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:19

We go in each other’s purse/wallet if we need cash. Always have done.

OP posts:
blyn72 · 03/02/2022 14:22

I don't understand the big deal about going to a different supermarket or drawing out £50. Surely we all do that at times. Maybe the atm at your usual shop was out of order or he was on his way home from somewhere and called in to a different place.

As for the £50 not being in his wallet, he's probably spent it. £50 doesn't go far. I can't believe you check his wallet! Does he go through your handbag?

By all means ask him if it is bothering you, there is undoubtedly a simple explanation, but it all seems strange to me.

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 14:23

@blyn72

I don't understand the big deal about going to a different supermarket or drawing out £50. Surely we all do that at times. Maybe the atm at your usual shop was out of order or he was on his way home from somewhere and called in to a different place.

As for the £50 not being in his wallet, he's probably spent it. £50 doesn't go far. I can't believe you check his wallet! Does he go through your handbag?

By all means ask him if it is bothering you, there is undoubtedly a simple explanation, but it all seems strange to me.

As I said earlier, it’s not about the supermarket and the cash.
OP posts:
blyn72 · 03/02/2022 17:39

You must work out why you are afraid to ask him anything, Gene. What is the worst he can say?

Lifeslooser · 03/02/2022 17:42

Does it really matter then? If you want to stay because it benefits you and makes your life easier then do that and don’t bother asking.
If you want to ask, do it.
He might have conditioned you, but it’s still your choice, do you want to ask and then deal with it, or do you actually not really care and just want to keep your life as it is because it suits you.
If it suits you, keep it at that. If your not having sex even better as no std’s, unless you are and want to know because if that?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/02/2022 17:45

Are you afraid to risk a row that makes either of you actually say it's over so you keep pretending you can't see how awful it is? If he said it was over would you be relieved? If not, why not?

Original poster
GeneLovesJezebel · 03/02/2022 17:58

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

Are you afraid to risk a row that makes either of you actually say it's over so you keep pretending you can't see how awful it is? If he said it was over would you be relieved? If not, why not?
I said it was over a couple of months ago. It took months of anxiety and sleepless nights to say what I said, it’s so hard. And now he wants to book a holiday in the summer like nothing happened.
OP posts:
2DogsOnMySofa · 03/02/2022 18:05

I think you need to understand why you won't ask him.

Are you afraid of his reaction
Do you think he'll accuse you of not trusting him
Will he tell you to mind your own business
Are you embarrassed to ask
Do you think 'you' are being nosey
Do you think that you don't have the right to ask
Is it because it's his money and nothing to do with you

I think until you unpick why you won't ask him you'll never get your head around it

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/02/2022 18:08

OK so not that then! Have you actually talked about what you said or is he ignoring it because he chooses to? It all sounds very difficult.

Yuckypretty · 03/02/2022 18:13

I don't understand what you think it might be.

Why do you find it hard to talk to him?

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