What do you do when you feel attracted to someone who is attached?

[Valma]

Can you stay friends?
Is it possible to 'sit on' your burgeoning feelings, so that they don't even get a chance to develop into something you know would be difficult to handle?

I am only asking as I desperately want to do the right thing - and if possible, stay friends with the person as well as their partner. I am hoping the feelings that are starting will just fade out if I ignore them.

Has anyone done this? Did it work? It would be really awful if it got any worse.

Thanks x

Are you in love with a married man?

What you should do is nothing. Treat the person exactly as you would treat any other friend. Don't ever give yourself permission to deviate from that and then things will never escalate beyond your control.

Or a married woman ?

What do you do?

You have respect for them & for their partner & walk on by & do or say nothing.

Do you know if the feeling is reciprocated?

No, not married but in a secure long term relationship and no, not in love. I am merely having a crush. It isn't very far along yet and I intend to keep it that way...hoping you are right, Anorak.

I haven't had any contact with him alone and hope not to...I know him and partner as a couple.

Does he flirt with you Valma?

It is hard to tell if reciprocated, I think it is better not to know. It would only encourage the feelings that should not even be there. I fully intend to handle this like a sensible person would.

I do have great respect for them both.

I'm not asking for permission to feel this way btw, or to do anything with those feelings. I just want some reassurance that it can be ignored and will go away, as it is worrying me.

Don't talk about and don't act upon it, and then you won't end up in a situation where you're in too deep to back out and everyone gets hurt. You know, the situations where people say 'it just happened' and 'we couldn't help it' and 'I never meant to hurt anyone'.

Quite right too, you haven't done anything wrong at all. There is no law against having these feelings.

this happened to me. i was attached with a baby, as was he.

I didn't do anything. he and his p split up about a year before my relationship did. Then i invited him over, and it went from there.

We are getting married in 3 weeks and i'm pg with our db.

Just take a step back, and dream. Dreams won't hurt anyone.

I am not sure if he flirts or is this nice to everyone. I imagine the latter. But very hard to tell. I do feel that rush when nice men pay me attention, being single myself. But I know it can't possibly go anywhere.

Yes, it is possible. Just weather it, use it if needs be to get over a hump with your own partner, if you have one. But don't do anything about it. Don't endulge it and it will fade, especially when yourt life gets back on track.

Perhaps it would help if you reminded yourself of his faults and tried to imagine how much they would get on your nerves if you were with him

Thankyou Anorak, Scorpio I am really pleased for you, well done for doing it properly

I have learnt from past mistakes that it is never Ok to accept these kind of feelings. It is hard to believe I was so naive when I was younger. This time there is just no question of acting on them. I am glad of that.

I am afraid to dream though as I reckon it will make it worse.

It took alot for me not to tell him though, i didn't even tell him when he had casual gf's, as i never knew if that casual could be something for him.

I really like someone and have done for about a year. It kind of helped take my mind off things when DP and I were in a rut. This other guy had a partner too, so I never enduged it past that. Me and DP are getting on much better now, but I'm beginning to realise that the spark has gone, too little too late and all that, but I still wouldn't do or say anything to this other guy. It really doesn't strike me as a good way to start a new relationship.

And anyway, he is far too good for me! I'd rather concentrate on getting me and DS sorted. I have my fantasies though !

I know, Peterduck...they are my friends though, we all spend time together, I have tried to avoid them a bit but it is difficult, there are only so many times you can not answer the phone...I do feel confused but I know I have to just refuse to feel anything like that. It is the only way I think.

Monkeytrousers - what do you mean he is far too good for you?

Thankyou - that is kind of what I wanted to hear. Even better would have been 'yes, it will go completely, you will soon realise he is strange and looks like a potato, you can still be friends'. However I don't think that would have been true

Monkeytrousers, it sounds as though you handled yours pretty well. Glad things are picking up for you.

...It did occur to me that if he was flirting I wouldn't want to be with him anyway. Exactly, what sort of ass, etc.

I like his girlfriend far too much to take his side if he ever hurt her - for me or for anyone else.

Because he is Shaniece, I say that without any irony! It's just a fact. Still, I am going to pull my socks up, so you never know!