Do you get married if you aren't sure it's forever?

[Skepticlove]

I got engaged to my partner years and years ago. We booked our wedding 3 years in advance so it was already a long engagement when our wedding rolled around and when it did it was peak covid so it got cancelled.

Neither of us have made any effort to reschedule, and I just think I've grown up a lot since we first got engaged and my feelings about relationships aren't the same as they were back then. To be honest I'm not convinced people are meant to spend their entire life with one person, forever is a long time and I'm sort of, of the opinion that different people are right for you at different points in your life. I want to be with him right now but I don't know if we will still be together in 15 years time.

So I don't get married right? The only reason I worry that I should is because people say you are a lot more protected, but it just seems silly to promise forever when I'm just not sure it's realistic?

No it's very easy to get married but very difficult to get unmarried.

If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t.

I would not get married to this man if I was you.

Protection makes sense if you plan on having children and a family and you earn significantly less than your husband and when you get a lot older but if you don't have kids and you're young, what protection do you need?

I just don't think I'm the type of person that will ever feel sure that I want to be with one person forever as it just seems so unrealistic. I don't have a single figure in my life over the age of 60 that isn't on at-least their second marriage, some more. Obviously I don't know that many people over 60, but in my wider family it's just not how it's turned out. People grow apart, meet new people, things just change. That's just sort of how I see life. So you're right, marriage just isn't for me then and that isn't something I need to feel bad about

I think it depends.
You are talking about marriage as a romantic concept - the stuff of fairy tales and poetry.
However marriage is also an economic union. It had been created to protect a woman and her children.
So - if you are not planning to have kids with him - than I’d say marriage is irrelevant.
But if you do - then do get married. Whether it’s forever or not - kids will be. And they’ll be better protected if you were married.

We do have kids! I definitely love him and we have a fab little family. I always think how grateful I am to be doing this stage of my life with him. I'm just not entirely convinced it'll be forever and don't want to put pressure on it to last forever at all costs because it just doesn't seem realistic to me. I don't know if I'm weird or if more people feel this way these days?!

If you have children or significantly merge finances, you should definitely get married to protect your interests (IMO). But otherwise, it's a real ballache getting divorced so don't do it.

If I wasn’t sure I’d do everything else to protect myself eg make sure I focussed on my career, pay pension etc don’t give up your job to be a SAHM, make sure you and he are as equal as possible. Rather than take on a wife/SAHM role and plan for him to subsidise you when you divorce him. That seems cynical to say the least.

@Ionlydomassiveones

Why waste precious life on someone you don’t see yourself growing old with?

I didn't grow old with my ex boyfriend, but I had 8 wonderful years with him and I don't regret them. I don't wish I'd met my now partner sooner. He was meant for me at that time in my life and it was great.

Maybe I'm naive or jaded by the relationships I grew up seeing, but I always think if I bring my kids up with my partner and have a great time doing it but that changes down the line, then fine. I had a great chapter of my life with him. Maybe my next chapter I'm meant to be alone, or I'm meant to be with somebody different. That doesn't need to be a sad thing.

I completely agree. Nobody can predict the future and guarantee you’re meant to be with someone forever, even people who insist they definitely will be. They cannot possibly know that. I’m absolutely with you on the concept of there not being such a thing as a forever person, but people that may suit you at different life stages, and if there comes a point that it no longer feels right that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think your outlook is far more realistic than the romantic idea of a life partner. If you end up still actively wanting to be with someone after 50 years, fantastic, but you cannot possibly know what you’ll feel as you grow older. I’m not of the opinion that relationships should be hard work or involve a lot of emotional labour either. If it starts being harder than it is pleasureable, I’d rather just leave.

It sounds like you’re questioning the concept/viability of ‘forever’ generally, not second-guessing this man/relationship. In which case, I’d say get married if you feel like ‘if there is a forever, he is undoubtedly (as much as anyone can know) the forever one.

Most people are sure it’s forever and then it’s often not. I just think you’re perhaps not that type of woman. Freer, maybe - I’m picturing you as Zoe Kravitz.

It depends on your concerns. I think it’s silly to think anything is forever but from your concerns I don’t think marriage is for you, definitely not right now. There is no shame in that. If you are happy, be happy. Marriage doesn’t add to that really. Weddings can be romantic but marriage is more about legally tying yourself to someone else.

If you're, say 30, you could have another 50+ years in front of you. Some people manage to stay with the same partner, but are they happy? I bet there's a lot of unhappy, bored married people living lives of quiet desperation. Marriage ought to come with a 10 year licence, renewable by agreement.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not getting married or thinking you need different people in your life at different times.

But if you're not married you need to act like you're not married.

You just need to make sure you protect yourself financially. Work hard at your career. Don't sacrifice your earning potential because of his career. Don't prioritise his career. Childcare and housework should be split 50/50, no exceptions. Make sure you have a good pension pot. Make sure you have a "fuck off fund" in case you need to, well, fuck off. Get your own savings and investments. Develop or keep a friendship group that's primarily yours, so if / when you split you have support. Make sure the way you own your house is fair to you. Don't pay for more things for the kids, insist it's split fairly. Make sure you have your own hobbies and interests. I could go on!

@Dillydollydingdong

If you're, say 30, you could have another 50+ years in front of you. Some people manage to stay with the same partner, but are they happy? I bet there's a lot of unhappy, bored married people living lives of quiet desperation. Marriage ought to come with a 10 year licence, renewable by agreement.

Love the ten year idea!

If you think your feelings might change, maybe you might find yourself feeling different about marriage in a few years?

Don't make a promise you're not sure you can keep. Especially not to the person you love. I'm the same as you; I don't know how people can guarantee that their feelings will stay the same forever. I love my partner to bits, but I've loved other people before and then found that I wasn't in love with them. It happens all the time, it's perfectly natural. People divorce so often these days that I can't understand why marriage isn't regarded as ill advised.

@Dillydollydingdong

If you're, say 30, you could have another 50+ years in front of you. Some people manage to stay with the same partner, but are they happy? I bet there's a lot of unhappy, bored married people living lives of quiet desperation. Marriage ought to come with a 10 year licence, renewable by agreement.

Yes! That's what I'm surprised hasn't been created by the obvious demand... a get out clause!

I agree OP, different partners for different chapters in life is my take on it. Importantly some chapters have no partner so I can do what I want and go explore and be single.

I was married once but I’ll not do it again.

I'm glad to see some people feel similar, I wonder if I'm just a bit of a prick sometimes when I have these thoughts. It doesn't take anything away from how I feel about my partner now, but yes exactly right, I've been in love before and I'm not against the thought of being in love again after. All of the role models in my life pursued happiness, they didn't just stay and make it work because that was the right thing and maybe they all got lucky but they were definitely happier for it. I grew up listening to my nan say that her closest friend thought she was so lucky to spend her whole life with one person, but that my nan spent years supporting her when her marriage was terrible and that really she was the lucky one as she had three great loves. She fell in love in her twenties and rather than spending her life working on it, she went with how she felt and she fell in love again in her forties and again in her fifties. She didn't regret any of them though she did say she should of stopped marrying them at that point

But yes I guess that's how I see it, I've loved before and I don't regret it. They were right for me then. I'm not against loving after. Different people for different chapters of your life sounds quite nice to me. I also think after my kids move out I'd bloody love a few years alone.. a while off as they're only toddlers

I don't think you get married thinking that way, no.

The need to get married to protect yourself legally is starting to lessen, I think. And we're about to get no-fault divorce at long, long last.

I've been widowed and I've been divorced, and being divorced was worse in some ways. Up to now it's been a diabolical process and perhaps the worst bit is feeling that you're betraying promises you made of your own will. I'd say don't put yourself at risk of that if you can avoid it.

I think you have a very healthy attitude towards relationships rather than the toxic western stance of acting like a person must be erased and forgotten as soon as a relationship ends.

Or the nonsense "failed relationship" concept.

Sounds like you aren't the marrying type and would only be doing it for the sake of it, there's no point in promising forever if you know you aren't in it forever. I've grown up surrounded by people who are in very long happy marriages so I probably come from the other extreme, my parents have been together since they were early 20s, been married 46 years, my in-laws were teens and are on 45 years of marriage. My brother's mother in law on the other hand bounces from man to man, she's 70 and usually dates for a couple of years, it goes tits up and onto the next. She seems happy, but so do our parents. People are different, marriage and commitment isn't for everyone.

Don’t get married if you have any doubts! It’s not the case that it always protects you financially it can be the exact opposite depending on your circumstances. I agree that you do have to protect yourself financially and make sure that you’ve legally nominated him for power of attorney etc if that’s what you want

You dont have to equate marriage with forever, but basically, splitting up while you have children, if never married, will often mean their mother is worse off for the rest of their life. Like me for instance. Bigger mortgage ( had to buy him out of the equity), not a penny in maintenance, so I've always worked full time whilst being a single mum, working to live, not much spare for any fun, one flash holiday for a week that took years to pay off, and dating difficulties as a sole parent.
I didn't end up getting married as had doubts after a while of being engaged, but I wish I had regardless with hindsight as I would not have had to pay him off, his inability to pay for his son I'm sure would of been taken into consideration.
I hope your name is on the mortgage though, at least you get half of any equity that way, you can't bank on maintenance though.