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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you get married if you aren't sure it's forever?

52 replies

Skepticlove · 02/02/2022 23:16

I got engaged to my partner years and years ago. We booked our wedding 3 years in advance so it was already a long engagement when our wedding rolled around and when it did it was peak covid so it got cancelled.

Neither of us have made any effort to reschedule, and I just think I've grown up a lot since we first got engaged and my feelings about relationships aren't the same as they were back then. To be honest I'm not convinced people are meant to spend their entire life with one person, forever is a long time and I'm sort of, of the opinion that different people are right for you at different points in your life. I want to be with him right now but I don't know if we will still be together in 15 years time.

So I don't get married right? The only reason I worry that I should is because people say you are a lot more protected, but it just seems silly to promise forever when I'm just not sure it's realistic?

OP posts:

DogsnKids · 03/02/2022 01:02

I wonder if you would feel better about a civil partnership? I'm very glad opposite sex couples can have that now.

MMmomDD · 03/02/2022 01:05

OP - you have kids together.
I am always perplexed by people thinking that having kids with someone is less of a commitment than a marriage.
Kids bind you for the rest of your life. Marriage is only while you agree to be in it.

If you both earn similar salaries, both take equal sacrifices for raising kids, own your house together, and do joint savings - then you can be as cavalier as you seem to be about the protection marriage gives to women.

But most women having kids as unmarried partners are in vulnerable position. Often women sacrifice more of their career because of childcare. Or stop working altogether. So when relationships breakdown - they end up with no claims to assets and no way to support themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2022 01:12

Are you building a pension, acquiring savings, have property rights? Same as him?

If so, carry on as you are.

LimeSegment · 03/02/2022 01:15

I also agree that staying with one person or life isn't necessarily the ideal, but actually I see this as a reason to get married, rather than a reason not to. Most of the benefits of marriage mainly come about when you split, it gives you a legal framework to fairly spilt up your wealth. If you have kids I think those legal benefits are important. So personally no, I wouldn't not get married because of romantic ideas about "not breaking a promise" etc. It's a legal thing to protect yourself and your kids in the (as you admit) likely circumstance that you end the relationship.

LimeSegment · 03/02/2022 01:20

If the promise part is important to you, don't make that promise. The only legal part of the vows you must say is [I] take [name] to be my husband/wife.

Change til death do us part/as long as we both live to as long as we choose etc or just leave it out all together.

Buttercup54321 · 03/02/2022 09:02

I would stay as you are. Sounds like you are already considering moving on anyway.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/02/2022 10:15

I'd been engaged 10 years when we got married and together for 19. We weren't in a massive rush to get married but I didn't and still don't want to be with anyone other than him as long as we're who we are now. Obviously if one of us was to get sick or something I would still want to be with him but if he cheated or did something unforgivable I wouldn't. But I can't see that happening so as far as I'm concerned we're together forever. Hope that makes sense.

gannett · 03/02/2022 10:40

Well if you think about it rationally no one really KNOWS that they'll want to be with the same person forever, do they? "Different people are right for you at different points in your life" makes logical sense to me. But at the same time I've been with DP for a decade and he's still the right person for me so that abstract rationale hasn't had an effect on the reality of our relationship yet.

Committing to someone properly isn't about being 100% dead certain about "forever", that's impossible. It's about saying, I can imagine being in it for the long haul with you. It's about saying, I respect you enough that if my feelings change, I'm not going to just abandon the relationship at the drop of a hat, it'll have to involve soul-searching and thought and trying to make it work first.

In your situation it's about whether you have specific reservations. Is there something about your DP that you think you'll get bored of and dissatisfied with? Something that you definitely don't think you want to be around in 10-20 years? That's a reason not to commit. But a hypothetical change of heart that may or may not happen in a decade isn't.

stodgystollen · 03/02/2022 10:46

We did for visa and tax reasons. We're still together, with the agreement that we'll review every 5 years. Forever is a long long time. For us, the risk of divorce is low for now so the financial and administrative advantages massively outweigh the risks. If I thought the relationship probably only had 2-5 years to run at point of marriage, we'd have found a different solution

ravenmum · 03/02/2022 11:01

Well, it's nice to hear that you take the promise so seriously. To me, I have to say, it was more like signing a contract to buy a house knowing that circumstances might change, and you might sell it before you pay off the mortgage. I thought we had a good chance of staying together, but my parents and one lot of grandparents had divorced, so I didn't think that was especially unlikely, either.

In fact, we did not plan to marry initially, and basically did it to sort out nationality issues for the kids. Those same issues could have been sorted out by less romantic means - paternity testing. We chose a white dress and party over my exh wanking in some lab room. In the same way, you could go down other routes to ensure that no-one is left destitute or homeless if your feelings change or someone dies. But the traditional route might be easier and feel a bit less devoid of romance.

leafcuttingwhale · 03/02/2022 11:04

I would no longer recommend anyone get married. I would recommend keeping your own financial independence instead.

Its a lot easier to split if things don't work out if you are not married, and if you have maintained your own financial security.

SarahDarah · 03/02/2022 14:03

@Skepticlove

We do have kids! I definitely love him and we have a fab little family. I always think how grateful I am to be doing this stage of my life with him. I'm just not entirely convinced it'll be forever and don't want to put pressure on it to last forever at all costs because it just doesn't seem realistic to me. I don't know if I'm weird or if more people feel this way these days?!

@Skepticlove

Marriage isn't "forever" , it's only until one of you dies.

What determines whether it lasts or not is the two of you! There are many happy marriages, with the natural relationship ups and downs, that last for life. That's the whole point of commitment and why it's different from the non committal boyfriend and girlfriend relationship. If you're already going into marriage with a non-commital mindset, you're already dooming the marriage.

I'd have a honest conversation with your boyfriend and see what his views are on marriage too so you both know where you stand . To be honest, you both sound like committing to each other was never a priority if you set a whole 3 years before you married. You need to be enthusiastic about spending the rest of your lives together and commit to that with its ups and downs, especially as you both decided to bring children into this.

altmember · 03/02/2022 14:07

The point of marriage is that it's two people committing to spending the rest of their lives together: 'til death us do part'. So if you're not feeling that then don't get married. It's not a requirement, and society won't look down on you for not being married (apart from a few old/old fashioned types, but none of their concern).

The only other things that people often overlook are the iht implications of being unmarried, and the lack of next if kin status (who do you want to be the person who decides to turn off your life support etc if the worst was to happen).

SarahDarah · 03/02/2022 14:09

@MMmomDD

OP - you have kids together. I am always perplexed by people thinking that having kids with someone is less of a commitment than a marriage. Kids bind you for the rest of your life. Marriage is only while you agree to be in it.

@MMmomDD of course kids are a much lesser commitment than marriage - look at how many single parents there are and how many deadbeat dads there are

The only thing an unmarried parent is liable for is statutory child support for the child only. Thus is already insufficient in many cases for the realistic costs of bringing up a child, and even then, many many men weasel their way out of paying most of it or all of it. It one of the biggest reasons for child poverty in this country.

Someone having a child with you is in no way shape or form a commitment to you.

MMmomDD · 03/02/2022 15:29

@SarahDarah

I meant from a woman’s point of view.
For me - a choice to have a child with someone is far more daunting/important/etc than deciding to marry someone.
And if they pass the ‘are they good enough to be a father to my child’ test - then they also pass ‘can I marry them’ test.

Why would you have kids with someone who you aren’t sure is good enough to marry?

layladomino · 03/02/2022 16:57

The definition of marriage is to commit to someone else for life. It doesn't always work out of course, but I wouldn't marry someone if I already had decided we probably weren't meant to stay together for life. It would feel false (and a waste of time and money).

And divorce is an awful, painful process.

Having said that, as you have children, please be certain that you've covered off everything legally - as often mentioned on these pages, marriage offers a lot of protection in one fell swoop.

ambushedbywine · 03/02/2022 16:59

If you share assets, finances in any way then a civil partnership might be a good option if you don’t want to get married.

Original poster

Skepticlove · 03/02/2022 16:59

[quote MMmomDD]@SarahDarah

Why would you have kids with someone who you aren’t sure is good enough to marry?[/quote]
It's got absolutely nothing to do with him not being good enough to marry, it's just that I don't know how much I believe in marriage in itself. Of course he'll always be in my life now we've had kids, and I'm glad he's a great dad and they are lucky to have him. But I just think it's naive to think we will always be in love forever because we have kids. That just isn't how I've seen things turn out.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 03/02/2022 17:32

@Skepticlove
It is equally naive to think marriage is about being in love forever. It’s a fairytale view of marriage, and not what why it came to exist.
The whole notion of marriage needing romantic love is very recent, while the institution of marriage has been around for much longer.
And no one can ever promise to love anyone forever anyway.

I think you are being very smug and think of yourself as strong and evolved. But I also suspect you are comfortable financially.
So it’s not fair and damaging to women to project this as the way for women to be strong. Not in the county that does not recognise common law marriage.

So many women and their kids suffer because different laws apply to couples depending having a piece of paper titled marriage certificate.

I still firmly believe that there is a higher bar for selecting the father of my children. Making a mistake on in that is impossible to undo. Marrying a wrong person is fixable. Divorce is not the end of the world.

DatingDinosaur · 03/02/2022 18:08

In answer to the topic title…

I wouldn’t get married. Full Stop. Hard NO.

Too expensive and it doesn’t prove anything (love, commitment, or even guarantee financial security).

It’s just a bit of paper that says “on this day, two people claim they love each other”.

Bit like a car MOT really..

Original poster

Skepticlove · 03/02/2022 18:10

I'm not being smug at all, I've not said that I'm stronger or more evolved than anyone, and I don't think we need to say that I'm doing those things when I'm just saying how I feel the same as you are. I got engaged and planned a wedding, I'm not judging people for getting married, I would be now if it wasn't for the pandemic.

OP posts:

Sleepytimebear · 04/02/2022 11:04

I think there is a default approach that women should marry with kids because it gives them more protection but that isn't always true, if you are the higher earner/ not the SAHP for example. Getting out of my marriage was so hard and expensive. I thought it was forever but was wrong! You have children so you are always linked to this person as you say, but if you don't believe in marriage as a concept I don't think it would be sensible to marry. Divorce was much worse/harder than I thought it would be, I wouldn't want to go through that again. I also think you are right that the culture is shifting, people are more open to divorce or enjoying time with a partner while it lasts. I was always looking for "the one" who I would want to spend my life with and actually I don't think that's right anymore. I can see I would have stayed married to this toxic person for a long time because of the importance I placed on marriage - just seems so backwards to think you have to stay miserable because you made a commitment. Also, weddings can be very expensive. It makes me so sad to think of the money I wasted (at my husband's insistence) on mine.

ravenmum · 04/02/2022 11:29

I just think it's naive to think we will always be in love forever because we have kids
I don't see the connection. You can get married without thinking that.

ravenmum · 04/02/2022 11:31

divorce is an awful, painful process
So is breaking up with someone you've lived with for decades without marrying.

MMmomDD · 04/02/2022 17:16

@Sleepytimebear

Of course marriage isn’t right for all circumstances. But the main point is that marriage isn’t only about ‘love and forger’ and some romantic notion about riding into sunset.
It is - also about financial arrangements between two adults + children. And OP doesn’t seem to be acknowledging it.

Or maybe she is - and is in your position where marriage doesn’t make sense for her financial circumstances.

However - these days - the narrative of ‘women should be strong and not need marriage’ - is actually damaging to many, who aren’t in as as fortunate financial situation. And those women suffer because they are encouraged to be ‘strong’ and end up sacrificing their earning potential, and hurt in the end.

That is why I said OP appeared smug. If you are comfortable financially - it’s easy to sit and ponder as to whether butterflies will last forever. But it’s not really the whole picture for many women.
May or may not be for OP either. She hasn’t said.

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