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Original poster

Would you choose love over practicality

40 replies

Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 18:51

If you had a marriage that worked practically and for everyone in the family but the relationship was dead. If you’d loved someone else for two plus years and had the opportunity to leave and be with them, would it be brave or foolish to do that?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 18:52

It doesn’t work for everyone unless everyone is happy. You’re not.

HelpWendy · 02/02/2022 19:09

I did and wish I hadn’t.

Sorecalf · 02/02/2022 19:12

Don't know if brave or foolish. Neither?

Mainly unfair to your spouse to be in love with someone else while married, so I would leave on that basis.

KimmyKimdoo · 02/02/2022 19:15

What does being in love with someone involve? Have you been having an affair OP? If so, definitely leave.

colouringindoors · 02/02/2022 19:17

If the relationship was dead and there was no chance of repair, I would leave. It's not fair on any of you.

Then.

If you see a future with this other person, and they feel the same and are available, I would seize the day.

Blossom64265 · 02/02/2022 19:18

Raising children together as good friends is a perfectly decent marriage and not one I would walk away from lightly.

A relationship without children or one filled with animosity is not worth the sacrifice.

Hawkins001 · 02/02/2022 19:20

I'll admit, im on the other side of the fence so to speak, with my ex, as much as I would love another chance, from what I gather she's semi happy with the relationship and the romance has fizzled, but she has a good family unit setup, I would rather she try to fix the marriage and relationship, because it's better for the long term, rather than chasing dreams of what could of been achieved.

Shunter350 · 02/02/2022 19:21

For me it's immaterial if you love someone else.
It's that you realise your marriage is dead then it's time to finish it.
It may well be the case your new love may not work out but in my experience a dead marriage just brings unhappiness.
Life is short and precious.

IncompleteSenten · 02/02/2022 19:22

Brave or foolish? Bit of both really.

Which I would choose would depend. If me and my husband had a good relationship as friends and it was just the sex part that was 'dead' but we got on well and there was fun and laughter is choose practicality. If we barely spoke and were two people living separate lives under one roof or we were just really snippy with each other then I'd be more likely to jump ship.

Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:23

@Hawkins001 do you mean you were the other man? Sounds as though you weren’t certain of the prospects of your relationship

@HelpWendy - I’m sorry to hear that, what happened?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:24

@IncompleteSenten I think that is good advice and true. Maybe that is as good as it gets.
Though there have been quite serious issues on the sex side that I’ve tried to ignore or resolve but remain. I sometimes think that everyone has something that’s a little amiss

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 02/02/2022 19:30

[quote Kellyagain]@Hawkins001 do you mean you were the other man? Sounds as though you weren’t certain of the prospects of your relationship

@HelpWendy - I’m sorry to hear that, what happened?[/quote]
We were together for a couple of years, then parted ways, my ex got married , had a family, and settled, then recently learning at times, theirs doubts of what could of been achieved if we had not parted ways, but from my current perspectives, I thought it's better to think of her family first and foremost.

Hawkins001 · 02/02/2022 19:31

Not sure if I've worded it the best way I could have

HelpWendy · 02/02/2022 19:34

I have a dead practical marriage. It depends on who you are and what you need. I didn’t realise the extent to which I need good quality company, the odd good chat, bit of laughter, took it for granted we were on the page for the basic. Turns out he is just practical, kind and practical, happy to go through the motions, come along for a trip with kids, or say dinner was nice but inject nothing into it himself. Being practical is what make him happy, making stuff, admin. FML. It only took a year for me figure this out and it didn’t take me long to think I was depressed or suffering PND, questioned everything but only realised in last few years and discussed with him, he doesn’t see laughter or conversation as that important in a marriage. To say this was heartbreaking for me to hear is an understatement. We are pre separation now. He’d happily forget all our discussions and carry on ticking along numbly but I can’t. I’m 90% there on separation and have realised it takes times and trying to make sure I make the best decisions I can. I have two very young kids.

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 19:36

2 year emotional affair? - time to leave your OH for their sake.

Nontransfer · 02/02/2022 19:38

I was having a conversation along similar lines with my Dad (of all people!) thus afternoon.

His conclusion after a misspent youth followed by 60 years of marriage is that what you really need in life is the luck to fall in love with someone sensible Grin You can't be happy in a chaotic life or relationship and do need the stability of a safe comfortable home life.

HelpWendy · 02/02/2022 19:38

To mirror all of that. I have a friend who I have been close to over 20 years. He’s a guy.. we were together in the past, you know those friendships with blurred lines.

We have the best conversations, he can like a book, he’s wise, nicely full of shit and well a constant in my life. That said he is not perfect, possibly a bit of a lone range and selfish.

However in terms of connection, intellectually and emotionally and in the past sexually- he’s pretty close to perfect. But it never happened. ‘We were the post romance’.

So I have my dead marriage and the yardstick from the past. Sometimes I get confused that one is influencing how I see the other, but I have to remember my marriage is just dead.

Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:48

@HelpWendy when you said you’d done it, I immediately assumed you’d picked love! Fascinating that you meant practical. Thank you for the honesty. I suppose the truth is maybe one person just can’t be everything and stuff was missing with the other guy or you would be with him? Something must have stopped you?
Maybe we can find passion in some other kind of life pursuit, something creative or helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:49

Oh and I know people feel bad for my partner because I’ve felt this way for so long but I haven’t done the deed so to speak. And he is no angel, not that two wrongs make a right. Also in a long marriage do you really think people never have feelings for anyone else? I know he has liked a couple of women at work before

OP posts:
UnsureAndUnsteady · 02/02/2022 19:50

I have a very “practical” marriage. My DH is an amazing family man in sooooooooo many ways such as doing the washing, looking after the kids, cooking dinner etc without him (and the fact he WFH) our life just wouldn’t work. He is devoted to our family unit but I really struggle with him as a husband. We have next to nothing in common, he talks endlessly about the most dull things (in my opinion, clearly they are fascinating to him), he is brash and often makes me cringe inside (mainly due to being VERY different people). I feel entirely trapped in the relationship. It would DEVASTATE the children if we were to separate and I know it would break his heart, which I wouldn’t do as I do love him but I often wish I had someone for me or who understood just one part of my personality 😞

Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:50

@Hawkins001 why was the family thing not for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellyagain · 02/02/2022 19:52

@UnsureAndUnsteady this stuff gets so difficult with responsibilities doesn’t it? Do you love him or is it really a sense of guilt or pity?

OP posts:
Downintheworld · 02/02/2022 20:02

UnsureAndUnsteady I could have written your post. This is where I am too.

HelpWendy · 02/02/2022 20:04

Yeah I meant practical! If only I was so brave, getting there though! Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle she’ll give you a bounce one way or another.

I dunno about the theory of everything in partner. Not everything, but surely some of the most important things, weighted by their level of importance to you. @UnsureAndUnsteady fascinating, this is may life too. I think it’s more guilt and obligation that has confused with love. I’m quite certain I don’t love him, but I do care for him.

UnsureAndUnsteady · 02/02/2022 20:09

@Kellyagain I do love him, in the way that I would never want to hurt him. Also I know that without “us” he doesn’t have much (not close family etc) but also my decision is for the kids. They wouldn’t just lose DH but their entire routines! I am the main breadwinner and him being so hands on enables me to do my job (which I love). So leaving him would mean more change than I could even imagine. Also I’m 95% sure I would never find someone who does so much for all of us.

I feel like a selfish (insert rude word here) when I write these things down as he really is lovely on many levels he just isn’t a good fit for me and I feel like there’s a whole part of me that is just pushed down for the sake of the “whole”.

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