Would you choose love over practicality

[Kellyagain]

If you had a marriage that worked practically and for everyone in the family but the relationship was dead. If you’d loved someone else for two plus years and had the opportunity to leave and be with them, would it be brave or foolish to do that?

@HelpWendy funnily enough I listened to Glennon Doyle on a podcast recently. I should read that.
Good point about weighted importance, I think I’ll have to ponder that one!

@UnsureAndUnsteady I know exactly how you feel. And when you say it I don’t think you’re selfish at all. Selfless really in the way you’re thinking about the family. You’re not bad for feeling how you do, it’s not as if you can help it. If you could choose you’d choose to be fulfilled where you are

@UnsureAndUnsteady the problems begin when you’re confronted with someone who meets those needs…

[quote Kellyagain]@Hawkins001 why was the family thing not for you?[/quote]
I don't mind the family aspects, it's just, I think until the kids are older, I think for now, they are better together as a family unit, at least for the children.

@Kellyagain you are absolutely right! I don’t know where I would have time to meet someone let alone actually start something. If I did I would have an incredibly difficult situation on my hands. It’s easy to put the family first when there isn’t any other options but if there were…😬

@UnsureAndUnsteady yes I tried to deny it for two years and basically just lived in a kind of pain. I feel like I’m facing pain either way and maybe just mine is better than causing it to others

@Hawkins001 that’s hard, do you still have contact? I would say though, I think adult children are less accepting of new relationships and people who’ve had parents in an unhappy marriage would say they’d rather they split

[quote Kellyagain]@Hawkins001 that’s hard, do you still have contact? I would say though, I think adult children are less accepting of new relationships and people who’ve had parents in an unhappy marriage would say they’d rather they split[/quote]
Sparingly comms, and fair points.

@Kellyagain

If you had a marriage that worked practically and for everyone in the family but the relationship was dead. If you’d loved someone else for two plus years and had the opportunity to leave and be with them, would it be brave or foolish to do that?

Was the marriage dead before you fell in love with someone else?

Genuine question, how did you end up married to someone you had nothing in common with and didn’t click with on a humour/interests/intellectual/affectionate level? Did the relationship have all these elements when it began then they faded?

I dated someone who sounds like you describe. Kind, generous, reliable, honest, some shared interests… but one of the dullest people ever. I didn’t realise this at first - it took about 5-6 months before I clocked that all his anecdotes, jokes, discussion points and a opinions were basically the same soundbite repeated over and over again. He couldn’t engage in deep debates or conversations, he’d just shrug and say “dunno yeah maybe” and revert to his standard set of opinions he’d got from a book. Also terrible in bed. I cannot imagine having gone on to marry him, no matter how many redeeming qualities he had! It made me feel like a shadow of my former self being with him because he didn’t amplify or complement my good qualities or make me feel good about myself. I struggle to understand how anyone could go on to marry someone they lacked important connections with if it became apparent soon in the relationship.

@TedMullins I think they went because he became withdraw and was drinking more in the period before this. Having said that, more recently after I suggested some changes that may help he’s more energetic and engaging again. It was like a different person to the one I married for a while, he was stagnating whereas before he was dynamic. I think it’s the pandemic that done it as he stopped doing so much. Now he’s started again he seems better for it

I think sometimes we are all too quick to suggest people leave a marriage if it’s not working for them at the time.

It used to be that people felt they had to stay together no matter what because divorced was frowned on, now we’ve gone the other way and it’s almost become acceptable to get a divorce after the first row. There has to be middle ground somewhere, and while it absolutely goes without saying that there are some people in deeply unhappy marriages who should probably leave, it’s also the case that once you marry someone and have children with them, your responsibility is no longer just towards yourself, and not everything constitutes a valid reason to just leave, in fact there often are still reasons to stay, even if we don’t want to see them at the time.

Assuming there’s no abuse in the marriage and it’s just sex you don’t have, then there needs to be a consideration as to what is generally the best outcome here. Fact is that marriages change throughout our lives. People can still be happy and practical and love one another without having everything they started out with, simply because things change and people change.

And to put it bluntly, love just isn’t enough, in fact at this stage it’s a fantasy.

So you have feelings for someone else, but what do you know about how you would be as a couple? Are you prepared for the fact he may be the type who wouldn’t pull his weight at home? That he might find it hard to take on your children? That your children in fact might refuse to accept him based on the fact he broke up their family’s marriage?

What if your children decide they want to live with their dad? What if your family refuse to accept him?

Love is all very well, but there has to be a practical element to love as well, and right now you simply don’t know whether your love would work out practically.

So in essence, if this love wasn’t there, would you be prepared to leave your marriage to be on your own? Because that’s ultimately the question.

You should never want to leave for someone else, you should only ever leave for yourself, and if you feel you can’t do that, then you need to look at how things can be addressed.

@AlternativePerspective. Thank you I appreciate the realism, it’s needed. The sex issue isn’t no sex though. But I agree with everything you say about the situation

AlternativePerspective I think you've given some very good advice and it is often difficult to stand back and look at the whole picture when you're in this situation.

It does make it less complicated when there is no-one else involved and I have been able to weigh up the practacalities and make decisions with my head for this reason.

Yes, it is selfless to a certain degree but as another poster commented there are also other advantages - I would struggle to pursue my work which I enjoy because it doesn't pay enough if I were on my own. Agree also about the stability issue, my dc are relatively young and one dc in particular requires stability. However, I do think about the possibility of making a change when dc are older though whether I will ever have the courage to do this, I'm not sure.

I recently admitted to a trusted friend that I'm not happy in my relationship and it was so strange to actually voice it. I think people change and grow and initial choices can be made based on former relationships such as with parents etc. (mine were not good). Going through the perimenopause has been a real eye opener and a dive in libido has made me realise that my emotional needs were not being met. My way forward is focusing on me and developing interests, perhaps forming new friendships and nurturing old ones as well as dc being an obvious focus. Essentially, taking better care of myself.

Don't know what to advise op. I think perhaps re-read this thread. I am assuming your dc are relatively young? So difficult when it is a matter of what the heart wants...as we know the head and heart are two very different things. I am relieved I don't have this complication currently but also midly anxious that I could find myself in a similar situation (and be vulnerable to it) further down the line.

@Downintheworld thank you for taking the time and giving such a thoughtful and kind response. My DC are 19 and 12, which actually makes it harder as we are supporting the older one at uni and that would stop or be largely reduced. The younger one is a tricky character and I sense could go off the rails if the circumstances were right. So I’m not sure it gets easier! And the cost of living catastrophe (as it’s been called in the news) doesn’t help matters