Coercive relationship, have you ever told white lies?

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I've been in my relationship for a long time and throughout the years I've told small white lies in order to try and save a confrontation with my partner. Things I know he will run an interrogation on, innocent things.

For example. If I'm at the shops he'll always ask did I run into anyone? I used to always say if I had and who it was until all the questions were threw my way especially if it was a male!

1. What were you talking about
2. Why are you talking to him

3 . How long were you talking for Then he'd insult me, insult the person I was talking to. Accuse me if flirting and get nasty and at times aggressive with me. Therefore I now try to hide things so I don't have to be put in that uncomfortable situation but I also try to now avoid stopping to talk or say hello to anyone especially males. I now just say no I didn't see or speak to anyone even if I did very briefly just say hi. I understand its not normal at all to have to do this and if I'm being honest I've been caught out at times and I've paid a price! It also obviously makes him trust me so much less but I genuinely don't do the things he suggests or thinks. Even while lying I'm telling myself this is so wrong, why are you lying especially when it's so innocent you haven't done anything wrong! I just do it to save myself in some ways. I'm just wondering if this makes any sense to any other members on here. I want to be honest with him but I just can't deal with the thousands of questions and accusations that are put my way and then it's days of silence treatment and an uncomfortable atmosphere in our home.

I hate this

How can you live like this?

What help do you need to leave?

This isn't about the lies. It needs to be about the plan to leave.

Occasionally yes but not because of jealously of other men . Just to make life easier for myself

In my experience when somebody questions you to that extent, the jealousy, insults etc it's because they've been deceitful themselves and hold you to that same standard.

I got out of that situation myself five years ago and it was the best feeling ever. Honestly, you don't need to live like this.

I would not be in a relationship with someone who felt they were entitled to interrogate me like this!

it is to make life easier for myself as I'm constantly under suspicion

Is there a reason you can't leave?

I've been in my relationship for a long time

@littlerayofsunshine0 - why???

I've obviously made him more suspicious about me now because of my lies which I fully understand. I've actually tried to explain why I withhold stuff from him but he says I'm the abusive one and I've made him into this suspicious person even though I always told him the truth and that always landed me in hot water. Just for innocently saying hello to someone

@littlerayofsunshine0

I've obviously made him more suspicious about me now because of my lies which I fully understand. I've actually tried to explain why I withhold stuff from him but he says I'm the abusive one and I've made him into this suspicious person even though I always told him the truth and that always landed me in hot water. Just for innocently saying hello to someone

Gaslighting. Bullying. Abuse.

What positives does this charming guy possess?

@ValerieCupcake

I've been in my relationship for a long time

@littlerayofsunshine0 - why???

We have kids together and I suppose I'm afraid of doing this all alone, yet I would probably be more settled on my own! But hes also holding something against my family which I don't want coming out. So yeah blackmail basically

We have kids together and I suppose I'm afraid of doing this all alone, yet I would probably be more settled on my own! But hes also holding something against my family which I don't want coming out. So yeah blackmail basically

What do you want out of this thread?

Please don't look for logic in what he's saying or the way he treats you. He is being irrational and you know that. He calls you abusive because he is projecting his issues onto you. What are barriers that prevent you from leaving? Once you know them you will be able to seek real life help and leave.

Yes. He (my exH) would often leave out pieces of fruit for me if I was WFH or to take if I was going to the office. When I was WFH the apple would often sit there all day and then I'd remember to get rid of it before he came in. I used to tuck it down the side of the compost bin so he wouldn't see it.
Strangely enough, it wasn't just me as I worked with a woman who would regularly chuck fruit in the bin at work saying that her DH had given it to her but that she didn't like fruit.
I can't believe I used to be so pathetic.

If I was ahead of the game with housework / cooking when I heard his car arrive, I'd jump up and look busy as he came through the door, rather than being caught doing "nothing" and having to put up with his snide comments.

XH now thank goodness.

How can you be helped into leaving this man who is really both your jailer and abuser here?. This man also targeted you deliberately, you were likely in a bad place yourself when you met.

You and in turn your children would be far better off without this man, who is further attempting to blackmail you, in your lives. I would have no compunction at all about reporting his blackmail threat to your family to the police because this is a crime. Free yourselves from his tyranny and control because this is no life for you or your children.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?. They cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships for them to go onto potentially repeat in their own adult lives.

@PussGirl

If I was ahead of the game with housework / cooking when I heard his car arrive, I'd jump up and look busy as he came through the door, rather than being caught doing "nothing" and having to put up with his snide comments.

XH now thank goodness.

Oh I remember that feeling, yeah, you could never be just chilling reading a magazine could you. Crazy what we put up with. Glad he's ex.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

You're very much alone now in this relationship with him and life without him will be far better for you and your kids day to day.

@DickMabutt73962

We have kids together and I suppose I'm afraid of doing this all alone, yet I would probably be more settled on my own! But hes also holding something against my family which I don't want coming out. So yeah blackmail basically

What do you want out of this thread?

I suppose I'm just putting it out there so I don't feel like I'm going insane. I'm made feel like I'm going crazy at times. I trying to validate to myself that I'm correct and this isn't normal or healthy.

@littlerayofsunshine0

it is to make life easier for myself as I'm constantly under suspicion

Your mistake isn't to lie to him, it's to stay in this relationship at all.

Do you think it's healthy to feel 'under suspicion' constantly?

If yes, where did you learn that?
If no, why do you stay?

These are genuine questions, OP. You are allowing him to treat you appallingly and then punishing yourself for responding with an unhealthy behaviour. But that's what we do. You can be as healthy as you want, but if you introduce a toxin (like when we get food poisoning, for example) you will have an unhealthy response (ie being sick, getting the runs, sweating, etc)

Essentially, by staying on this relationship, you are consistently exposing yourself to toxicity; the equivalent of eating off prawns and then punishing yourself for being ill.

GET AWAY FROM THE TOXIN.

You've been living this way for a long time now haven't you? You know it's not healthy for your kids. Why not get out sooner rather than later? Don't waste any more of your life on this man, tip toeing around, walking on eggshells. Come on my love, you know what you need to do, make 2022 the year you give your kids the gift of a life without this overbearing bully.

Regarding the family secret thing - sometimes we cannot be in control of everything. Things come out, people suffer or pay the consequences of their own actions. They are not your burdens to bear. Let the cards falls where the will, others will manage just as you are managing, but you need to do the best for your children first, they only have you.

Is it really worth living like this? It’s only going to get worse, not better.

I had similar where I was walking on eggshells, didn’t know who I could speak to or what he’d find fault with next. I got a job set up about 70/80 miles away and knowing he’d be out I loaded up everything I could and left. Best thing I did.

Think seriously whether you still want to live like this next year, and the year after, and the year after that……

To everyone asking why I stayed this long... Honestly I'm not sure why. I loved him, truly loved him. Since the birth of our children though I dunno, I feel like my eyes were suddenly open. Especially during lockdown. I listened to people complain about not being able to go places, see family, see friends, go our for a night and it hit me like a ton of bricks that lockdown was already a real life thing for me. I realised how isolated I had become and how deeply unhappy I had become. Its because of my kids now that I can see this really isn't a healthy setting for them to grow up in.
I feel like a light has been switched on. I realised a while ago I was in the dark but not until my beautiful children came into my life it became apparent.
I used to be a strong, confident woman. Very happy go lucky and shes still in there somewhere. So please understand I never set out for this type of relationship or think I'd live like this.

I realise it isn't right. But what you don't understand is when gaslighting sets in it makes me question everything and is it my fault, have I made him this way as he says.

I want happiness even if that's being on my own for the rest of my life and I want my kids to see a happy mum and have zero boundaries like we do now!

I realise I have to leave. I'm just gathering my thoughts whilst I put myself in that frame of mind.

Be careful with threads like this OP. What you are asking people to do is try to make the boiling water you're in more comfortable. But you need to get out, get your children out. Can you talk to your family about the blackmail?

IME, and I work with a lot of trauma-impacted women, the lying hurts you. It is very difficult to stop lying to manage uncomfortable feeling when you leave. I was just having a conversation yesterday about someone who is lying to staff because she doesn't know how else to deal with authority figures. It becomes who you are. Don't have it be who you are.

But what you don't understand is when gaslighting sets in it makes me question everything

If you question everything, the only answer you need is that it's unhealthy to stay in a relationship that makes you question everything. No further thoughts necessary. Doesn't matter who's at fault. Doesn't matter if you caused it all. Doesn't matter if he caused it all. You are responsible for not putting yourself in confusing situations, so if you feel confused, just go.

Brilliant example to set for your kids; it's the best lesson you can teach them: if something makes you unhappy, stay away from it. That'll stand them in good stead for their relationships, their friendships, their work, their parenting... you'll be doing your grandchildren a favour. And their children! Don't underestimate the power of walking away; it's not just for you. It's a see you sow, that'll still be flowering, hopefully, even after you're gone.