Coercive relationship, have you ever told white lies?

[littlerayofsunshine0]

I've been in my relationship for a long time and throughout the years I've told small white lies in order to try and save a confrontation with my partner. Things I know he will run an interrogation on, innocent things.

For example. If I'm at the shops he'll always ask did I run into anyone? I used to always say if I had and who it was until all the questions were threw my way especially if it was a male!

1. What were you talking about
2. Why are you talking to him

3 . How long were you talking for Then he'd insult me, insult the person I was talking to. Accuse me if flirting and get nasty and at times aggressive with me. Therefore I now try to hide things so I don't have to be put in that uncomfortable situation but I also try to now avoid stopping to talk or say hello to anyone especially males. I now just say no I didn't see or speak to anyone even if I did very briefly just say hi. I understand its not normal at all to have to do this and if I'm being honest I've been caught out at times and I've paid a price! It also obviously makes him trust me so much less but I genuinely don't do the things he suggests or thinks. Even while lying I'm telling myself this is so wrong, why are you lying especially when it's so innocent you haven't done anything wrong! I just do it to save myself in some ways. I'm just wondering if this makes any sense to any other members on here. I want to be honest with him but I just can't deal with the thousands of questions and accusations that are put my way and then it's days of silence treatment and an uncomfortable atmosphere in our home.

I hate this

Instead of lying how about leaving, that would be better. X

Yes, I've done it.

Said 'Had lunch with Kelly' or ''Went to the shop with Chris and Sally' when I might have had lunch with Adam or gone to the shop with Chris.

It was less hassle

Your instincts are absolutely right. This is not a healthy relationship at all. This is coercive control, and yes gaslighting absolutely does make you question your own sanity. It is really really unsettling. Please seek support in real life to get out of this.

You are absolutely right that is not okay that his abusive behaviour makes it feel easier to lie to him, or avoid stopping and chatting to anyone at the shop, than deal with the consequences created by him. I have been in this exact situation and it is awful. Only after I left did I fully see how isolated I truly was. When I was in it I was just always anxious and tried to please him just because my self esteem was wrecked by the emotional abuse.

So from someone who knows how hard this is - your instincts are right. This is not okay. You do not deserve to live like this. You deserve a life without abuse, and you can build that life yourself.

End it @littlerayofsunshine0, it won't get better

This was me op. I remember a new male member of staff started in our dept, my ex instantly had an issue with this as he was young, we were due to have a team building day, that went onto a meal in the evening, my ex was convinced I was going to sleep with this guy, so I told him his girlfriend was coming to the meal with him. A few months later we bumped into him and his gf, I introduced them and he guy said 'oh you've not met my gf have you' my ex was about to explode so I bluffed and said 'yes I have, didn't she come out with us all that one evening' I still to this day don't know why, but my colleague said 'oh no, that was my sister I was talking to' a very lucky escape for me.

I'm afraid to say it doesn't get better, in fact it gets worse. Blackmail or no blackmail you need to leave. Trust me, you'll be so much better without him

The posts below in bold are from your thread in July 2020 and nothing has improved.

Please leave this man and stop showing this relationship dynamic to your poor kids. The longer you stay together the more likely they are to replicate it.

You’re being horribly abused. You walk around with your head down so he can’t accuse you of looking at anyone else.

Your kids are witnessing this. They are being taught it’s normal. It’s so, so damaging. I know how hard it is but you owe it to them to end this horribly abusive relationship.

For God'sake I'm not even allowed to clean in my own home when the kids are in bed (which is the only time I get a chance to do anything) I disturb him watching tv and i might wake the kids.

I really have no life in the slightest and I want my kids to grow up seeing the happy me and the actual person I am rather than the person I'm made to be!

I hold my head down when I'm out with my partner in fear of being accused of something.

I’m not allowed on social media.

Honestly I think I'd prefer a beating so other people could see there is abuse. Mine is silent and invisible.

I can't even take my own kids to have a cuppa in my mothers house because he doesn't trust my dad. I understand my partners past but to him every man is a threat to his kids. So my own dad isnt allowed to see his grandkids unless my partner is with us. I mean he doesn't even trust me to keep them safe.

I wont get to watch my son play football as he thinks I want to sleep with the other men that will be there (I've been accused multiple times none of which is true)

I’m not able to take my kids anywhere without getting an earful from my partner and him going completely nuts at me. He has serious issues due to sexual abuse when he was a teen he doesn't trust anyone with the kids and with covid it gives him another excuse for me to stay in the house otherwise I'll infect the kids etc.

Parks open tomorrow I suggested that I was going to take them esp now as dd is walking and got a mouthful about how it's not safe to do that and I'm putting them at risk on purpose.

I'm basically locked up and so are my children

He tells me constantly I'm a liar and untrustworthy.

After all this you say "I’m just so scared of being alone yet I also know being alone will open me up to a better life with extra support as I can have friends and family again and the kids see normality. I'm just afraid of the unknown and also him meeting someone else and them playing mum to mum my kids." but this is so unfair to your kids, to stay in this environment because you don’t want to be alone or for him to meet someone else (who he will no doubt abuse too). Honestly, I know it’s so hard and so painful but you MUST end it for your kids’ sakes.