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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH works weekends for half the year, time to give an ultimatum?

36 replies

Onlyrainbows · 02/02/2022 09:37

My DH has always worked weekends for six months (April to September inclusive) at his current job. Before it wasn't much of an issue because his ex was a SAHM, and when we got together we didn't think much of it, although we never saw it as ideal. COVID came, he made some noise about working weekends being disruptive for family life, but not much was done. Last year he even made more noise but they really didn't resolve it. As it is, for half the year we actually have no overlapping time off. It also means he doesn't get to see his older DC beyond a couple of hours two evenings a week. I also end up doing most of the childcare and I work longish hours and definitely want a break in the weekends. We're at a financial position that he can give them an ultimatum, but knowing my DH I doubt he'll apply too much pressure. WWYD? Make a fuss with him? Pressure him to definitely give an ultimatum? Suck it up? I'm dreading the April, but I also know he'll probably be unhappy in any other job. He's very skilled but has no certifications and I know he feels old and thinks maybe he'll end up in retail again.

OP posts:
ChoiceMummy · 02/02/2022 19:20

OK, call me naive, but the way I'd see this is, it's not ideal, but very little is in life. If the financial side is good.... And let's face it retail work would definitely include weekends, be poorer pay and less consirtency etc.
But with the April to September he gets 2 weeks at Easter, May half term, plus the summer holidays, where he's guaranteed to be able to spend time with the family, in top of the normal annual leave. And though not ideal, not a bad pay off. Plus he gets to do two of the weeks drop offs and pick ups from school /nursery.

TopTabby · 02/02/2022 19:32

My dh has worked most weekends since dd1 was a baby, she's 21 now.
It was the payback for a good, well paid job which meant I could work hours to suit dds. It hasn't always been ideal & it sometimes felt like he conveniently got out of some stuff but I found a weekend routine to suit us.
Now dds are older I get a fair bit of time to myself which I like but I'm good with my own company.
It depends massively on the job & the management but possibly not worth causing problems at work over.

Hercisback · 02/02/2022 19:34

Is it both days every weekend? Does he not get weekdays off to compensate? He, should be pulling his weight at home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 19:43

How older children come over at weekends and for 6 months of the year they barely see him and you look after them both days?!

Why does he think that’s acceptable to anyone?

2DogsOnMySofa · 02/02/2022 19:49

Do you have dc together? Or is the childcare you mention for your step dc?

However regardless of your answer, if you get no free time together apart from evenings then, if you can afford it, I'd say he needs to request no more weekends or find another job

Onlyrainbows · 02/02/2022 22:50

He doesn't get any extra annual leave, he gets bank holidays (that he can move around) and the standard 21 days of which he hasn't to take half of those around Christmas. The childcare is for our difficult 2yo, I don't do much of the childcare for my SKs those 6 months

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 03/02/2022 10:21

He must be getting days off during the week instead during that time, otherwise he'd be working 7 days a week for 6 months?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/02/2022 10:24

Lots of people do this, they have to. I was a nurse for many years and would have been pretty pissed off if my partner had given me an ultimatum when there is no viable alternative.

Ragwort · 03/02/2022 10:25

It's not always easy to find another job in retail that wouldn't include weekend working, and it's not that simple to transfer to another type of work with '9-5' hours. I've always worked in retail/hospitality so am well used to working weekends and it's never been an issue for me or my family, I get time off in the week when it suits me.

There's no easy answer, just have an honest conversation about ti.

Aboutcoffee · 03/02/2022 10:26

Is the ultimatum to him? Or for him to give to his boss? He can always leave but he surely gets days off midweek instead so you should be saving on childcare?

Onlyrainbows · 03/02/2022 10:58

No the ultimatum is to his boss, and ultimatum is a bit of a strong word. The problem is that he can never get those weekends of, there's no rotation, just a block of not being to do anything on the weekends, and no we don't save on childcare because we've decided is best to keep the toddler in nursery. Plus the whole thing of not being able to see his older kids

OP posts:
Ragwort · 03/02/2022 12:39

I've just reread your OP and you've said your DH would be unhappy in another job, is it 'fair' to make him give up his work?
Maybe you need to readdress the decision to keep your DC in nursery all week?

Onlyrainbows · 03/02/2022 12:59

He thinks he'd be happy as maintenance manager type of role, but no our 2yo going to nursery is a red line for both (he can't handle him all day). He's been happy in other roles before but I think the 10+ years he was in retail completely traumatised him.

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 03/02/2022 13:04

Is he the only person working those weekends? Is it both days? What would he do instead? How would you manage if he can’t find another job? Can he not see his older kids on his days off during the school holidays in that period?

crumpet · 03/02/2022 13:07

For 6 months he works 7 days a week?

anotherbrewplease · 03/02/2022 13:11

Does he get days of during the week OP?

JustWonderingIfYou · 03/02/2022 13:12

Red line for you both is other people must look after your 2 year old?!

Bigger problems in your household than weekends!

JustWonderingIfYou · 03/02/2022 13:12

How sad for your toddler that his parents don't like him enough to spend the day with him Shock

Asterin · 03/02/2022 13:46

what is it he does?

Onlyrainbows · 03/02/2022 13:46

He only works 5 days, but he's the only one who works weekends. We could afford for him to be a SAHP. During the summer holidays he does see his older kiddos all day, but that's still only for 2 days, so that's 12 days max, that's not a lot is it?

OP posts:
Asterin · 03/02/2022 13:47

@Onlyrainbows

He thinks he'd be happy as maintenance manager type of role, but no our 2yo going to nursery is a red line for both (he can't handle him all day). He's been happy in other roles before but I think the 10+ years he was in retail completely traumatised him.
What do you mean by this? Can you handle your toddler all day? Why cant he?
Onlyrainbows · 03/02/2022 13:50

I love our toddler, but he doesn't really talk yet, at times he only communicates with crying (we have an appointment for that in a few weeks) and he has complete meltdowns that can go on for hours, he's definitely not the easiest one in that way. The other side of the coin is that he's fairly easy going after his nap.

OP posts:
Asterin · 03/02/2022 13:52

right, but that doesnt explain why your DH cant handle him for a day?

pittameinhummus · 03/02/2022 13:53

My husband works every weekend of the year, he's self employed and we own a business where this is nessacary, he gets one weekday off a week, it's shit sometimes but I just get on with it, me and dc enjoy our weekends together even though we miss him sometimes it's just the way it is

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 13:56

OK so he only works 5 days a week anyway. The issue is he needs to step up on his days off during the week.

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