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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Honestly cannot stand dh right now

32 replies

Pregnantandmiserable · 02/02/2022 09:05

Been signed off work with hg for a couple of months. I'm feeling totally fucking lousy, I've not left the house in months, I have no energy no matter how much sleep I get. I'm completely bloody miserable and I admit that but I am getting to the point I want to leave dh. He's being so reactive, to everything. Constantly arguing because he is taking offence to everything I say, how I say it, it's just constant and I'm so irritated by him I keep just avoiding him because I can't be bothered with him being such a victim and not just understanding that I'm feeling totally miserable and trying to keep on top of the house and toddler. I just haven't got the patience to be dealing with him constantly being annoyed at me. He keeps snarking at me "oh you're a beautiful person aren't you" very sarcastically, keeps berating me for being selfish. He was supposed to do something that he didn't do and when I asked him yesterday he started gas lighting me completely that I never asked him to do that, nope, first he has ever heard of it, I said that he needs to do blah and blah but not that. I said if you misunderstood you can say that but don't try and convince me something that happened didn't happen. He started laughing and saying oh am I gas lighting you again that's your favourite word lately. I said you are though that's literally the definition of it rather than admitting your mistake you're trying to make me feel crazy that I'm remembering something that didn't happen. I pulled up texts in the end that proved that I asked him multiple times and he got annoyed and was like oh I don't want to see your fucking texts.

He's just doing my absolute head in and I cannot stand him, I actively really dislike him at the moment and could bloody walk out and not come back. He is acting so hard done by and throwing his hands up and walking out the room when I speak cause I'm apparently having a go at him when I'm not, he's hanging up on me mid sentence on the phone and again saying I'm having a go at him again. I told him this morning I really don't like you and he just arrogantly said "feelings mutual love"

I'm just done with him things were fine before pregnancy but to be honest I don't think I even like him anymore let alone want to live with him

OP posts:

Jacaranda75 · 02/02/2022 09:08

Can you escape to your parents/friend’s house for a few days? It sounds like you need a break.

Theunamedcat · 02/02/2022 09:08

Leave

Thatsplentyjack · 02/02/2022 09:12

He sounds like a competent dick. If it's like this while your pregnant, imagine if he's still like this when the baby comes? Fuck that. Having a new born is hard enough ough without a twat for a husband. Tell him to fuck off.

InvalidCrumb · 02/02/2022 09:12

Were things genuinely fine before pregnancy? Like, hand on heart?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/02/2022 09:26

sounds like you need a break from each other

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/02/2022 09:27

you are getting on each others nerves

JugglingJanuary · 02/02/2022 09:33

@MrsLargeEmbodied

you are getting on each others nerves

No shit Sherlock 🤣🤣

@Pregnantandmiserable. Is there somewhere he could stay? Like his parents? He needs to go somewhere & return a reformed human being, instead of a prick.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 09:46

If you split up now is he taking the toddler and if not how are you going to cope if you’re so ill?

It’s sounds incredibly tetchy and unpleasant. Not a good atmosphere for your young child to be living in.

Original poster

Pregnantandmiserable · 02/02/2022 10:34

He wasn't like this last pregnancy even though I had hg that time too but I guess we didn't have the added strain of a toddler. He just thinks I'm the problem and I think he's the problem so it's just not resolving. I appreciate that he's getting up with toddler everyday and doing bed time and working full time but it's just the victim act I can't bare it. He's just making everything into an issue and is constantly accusing me of having a go at him and it's like oh get a fucking grip. I've no patience for him at all at the moment it just isn't about him and he's somehow managing to make everything about him and this whole hard done by act is the biggest ick ever. Just cannot stomach him at all right now is it that hard to understand that I'm just feeling totally crap right now and he's just making it so much more stressful

OP posts:

Original poster

Pregnantandmiserable · 02/02/2022 10:35

Feel like I'd rather try and deal with toddler alone than deal with a whiny man child

OP posts:

2DogsOnMySofa · 02/02/2022 10:50

Leave or ask him to leave

Cherrysoup · 02/02/2022 10:51

Would he agree to stay elsewhere temporarily? Could you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/02/2022 10:57

@Pregnantandmiserable

Feel like I'd rather try and deal with toddler alone than deal with a whiny man child

That’s your answer then. Have you got other support in case you can’t cope?

SoItWas · 02/02/2022 11:05

"He's just making everything into an issue and is constantly accusing me of having a go at him and it's like oh get a fucking grip"

Is this when you expect him to "adult", but he doesn't want to, or what sort of thing usually causes this reaction? Is he doing that thing where he'd rather pick a fight as an excuse to storm off or deflect the original issue, than just take the bin out or whatever?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/02/2022 11:21

its all about communication,
speak to him as if you are both adults, and he should respond as an adult, it is a very common trap to fall into

BoodleBug51 · 02/02/2022 11:27

You've both got into a really negative cycle here, and you're going to have to break it before you destroy your marriage completely.

Being pregnant with a toddler is rough, let alone adding in HG. But so is working full time and having to come home and carry that load too.

Neither of you are in the wrong here. But both of your behaviour has to change.

MadameHeisenberg · 02/02/2022 11:35

Oh OP, I feel for you. I had severe HG to term with both pregnancies and was signed off for long stretches. I ended up losing my job over it, which was a very bitter pill to swallow.

If DH had been a cunt about it all, made me feel even worse than I already did and played the victim, it would have been over.

He’s the father of the baby, he’s supposed to have your back, but it inconveniences him so he’s kicking you when you’re down to punish you. What a prince among men. Even if you stick it out and stay, won’t the resentment for his behaviour during this difficult time, stick around? It would for me, I couldn’t forgive this.

Couchbettato · 02/02/2022 11:59

@MadameHeisenberg

Oh OP, I feel for you. I had severe HG to term with both pregnancies and was signed off for long stretches. I ended up losing my job over it, which was a very bitter pill to swallow.

If DH had been a cunt about it all, made me feel even worse than I already did and played the victim, it would have been over.

Are you in the UK? It's illegal to sack someone for pregnancy related illness. It's shit for employers but that's their problem to solve.

MadameHeisenberg · 02/02/2022 12:04

I’m not in the UK, nor the EU. I would have had a case still but I was too sick to fight it unfortunately.

Ozanj · 02/02/2022 12:13

Is he doing everything? Childcare and work while you’re unwell? If so it must be hard doing that, plus worrying about you, and he might also be resenting that you aren’t able to pitch in. HG is such a bitch. Maybe try and not to make comments about how ‘well’ he does something if you aren’t in a position to do it - it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t do the washing up or cleaning or other chores exactly how you would do it. As long as keeps things broadly ticking over that’s fine. Obviously if you can afford one get a cleaner or some professional childcare help.

scaredsadandstuck · 02/02/2022 12:13

Oh bless you - this is shit.

You're sick of being sick. He's sick of it too. Everyone is very stressed and tired and run down.

As PP have said, is a break of some kind realistic? Either for you, him or the toddler? Do you have grandparents/siblings that could take your toddler for the weekend for example? Could you or he go and stay somewhere for a couple of days to calm down? Can you afford to get some help at home (a cleaner/nanny/babysitter) or is there anyone that could come and give you a hand?

It's spiralling and while I agree he is being a total dick right now I also get the impression that you do care about making the relationship work out (and he probably does too). I completely agree with the PP who said don't let the resentment set in or grow. It's almost impossible to come back from that.

billy1966 · 02/02/2022 12:31

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Some men cannot cope when they are asked to step up and parent.

The just feel resentful and hard done by.

Clearly this needs to be your last child with him, he is not up for parenting.

Have you family that you could visit to give you a break and some time to think.

How would you manage without him, financially and otherwise?

Only you know how serious and final this feels.

He sounds very juvenile.

Reach out for support if you can.

Grandville · 02/02/2022 12:50

Assuming he has given no indication of being a dick in the past...

You are both under a huge amount of stress. You feel like utter shite and everything is going to be infuriating. He is making you feel worse by being so unpleasant when he should be supporting you.

He is working full time, possibly worried about money as you are signed off and feeling the pressure. When he gets home, he is not getting any breaks as he has a toddler and you are so unwell. You are (with sympathy) probably not very nice to talk to at the moment since you feel so terrible. He likely feels very stressed, knackered and isolated.

He hasn't reacted well at all but this could still be a temporary blip. Is it at all possible for both of you to get some time out and a break? Could family or friends mind the toddler for a few nights here and there? Could you go and stay with supportive family for a bit to decompress?

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 02/02/2022 12:59

My guess is he wants to leave, or is seeing someone else but doesn't want to be the bad one and intiate a break up, or hasnt got the balls to do it so he is being awful to you as possible so your the one to leave.
Also probably to ease his conscience by convincing himself your a bad person who keeps having a go at him so he continue his infidelity or continue being a cunt.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 02/02/2022 13:15

@MrsHastingslikethebattle - that seems a bit far fetched.

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