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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Red Flags?? Need Advice

46 replies

Pinetree89 · 01/02/2022 15:10

I am 45 and my fiancé is 43. We have been friends for years and got together two years ago. Things started off really good and spent allot of lockdown together in the same house with our kids.
F was unemployed at the time and has since started work over a year ago.
We moved in together and I took out a mortgage on a house due to me being more financial secure. That year he began to be very much needing attention and would always want sex. I was feeling depressed for a number of reasons and also have endometriosis which makes I'm in pain allot of the time. We argued allot and he felt rejected, even tho we were still having sex at least 2 times a week. Granted there were times when we couldn't do it for a couple of weeks but that was if I was ill. I also reassured him that changes in libido where due to my own struggles not that I didn't want him and actually I needed him to support me emotionally. I don't think he ever really did.
Trouble is he treats me differently when we are having regular sex and if we don't for a week or even 4 days, he will wont be as friendly or jovial with me. I've tried telling him this and saying that I need an emotional connection as well as the physical, noting that I'm not gonna sleep with him if he has been grumpy with me for days. He states that he just wants to express his love for me and he is upset that he cant do that in the way he wants, but then will just be off with me for ages.
Since Dec we have both been really trying to work this out and I understand that I need to be a bit more attentive to him, physically not sexually. But he gets so offended when I don't give him the attention he expects. Example If I don't say I love you on the phone or forget to cuddle him when he walks in. He takes it super personal. I do love him and I do show him affection but nothing seems good enough.
F has also been depressed and started working which he hadn't done for about 9 years. He has already changed job once and switched to working nights with no consideration to childcare, leaving it all to me, who also works full time in a very stressful management position.
I feel like he is capable of making changes, but has slipped back into the mood a few times. example: We had sex twice one weekend, I then got endo symptoms and was wiped out for a few days. He said that he was upset because he knew we wouldn't be doing it for a week or so. Note, he was sulking for 2 days before actually telling me what was wrong. He says he loves me but surely if I'm ill he should wanna care for me not make me worse by pressuring me about sex. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and I hope I'm not missing the flags and going back into that cycle. We are getting married soon and I'm not sure if this is a sign to work through it, building and growing together (relationships are hard right?) or a sign to move on and be a peace with myself. Genuinely don't know if this is normal behavior for someone. So confused.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/02/2022 15:12

Massive massive red flags
Get him gone. He's awful.

changeling86 · 01/02/2022 15:15

Red flags all over the place

Please tell me his name isn't on the house.

Santahasjoinedww · 01/02/2022 15:17

Men who sulk need dumped

frozendaisy · 01/02/2022 15:18

Oh just no.

Regardless of whatever issue you have told him clearly and he doesn't listen.

Don't marry him.

Crumbs22 · 01/02/2022 15:22

You have slipped into another abusive relationship. Red flags everywhere OP. Get rid of him. He is not contributing anything in your relationship. He is using you. Please take care of yourself emotionally and physically. If things are this bad now, they will only get worse after you're married but then you will be financially responsible for him while he does exactly what he wants.

sadeyedlady2 · 01/02/2022 15:25

Massive red flag. I also have endo and have the same issues as you. My partner brings me cups of tea and takes over cooking/childcare etc when I'm having a flare up. If he's pressuring you and sulking because of this, he's not a caring person. You don't want to grow old with this man.

TheFoundation · 01/02/2022 15:29

There are standard 'red flag' behaviours that are the same for everyone, which you can google (like violence, name calling, coercive behaviour etc) but a healthier way to identify a red flag is 'Does this behaviour make me feel shit?' If you ask that, you'll filter out all the ones mentioned above, and you'll also identify your own personal red flags, for example you might not like sarcasm or being poked fun of, which might be a fun part of relationships for other people.

Relationships aren't hard. We have to make an effort sometimes, but the general picture should be 'I feel loved and supported by my partner' A good rule of thumb is 'A healthy relationship will never have you suspecting red flags, so if you're asking the question, it's not a healthy relationship.'

It's not about what a partner does 'right' or 'wrong'. There are no rules (except laws) The rules in your relationships are your feelings. So, if you feel lovely in a relationship, it's good for you. If you feel unsure/confused/wobbly/insecure etc, it's not good for you.

Genuinely don't know if this is normal behavior for someone

Forget normal. Nobody cares about normal. If we told you his behaviour was normal, would you feel you ought to just put up with feeling bad in the relationship? You NEVER have to put up with feeling bad in a relationship.

If you feel bad, you tell the person, and if they don't respect your feelings, you leave. That's all you need to know about boundaries, in a sentence, and it'll protect you from any abuse or poor treatment in the future.

Wnikat · 01/02/2022 15:29

Please don't marry him, he'll get half your house. Think of your kids.

changeling86 · 01/02/2022 15:30

Good grief don't marry this man.

LondonWolf · 01/02/2022 15:31

I genuinely feel a bit sick when I read on here about entitled, selfish, immature men trying to coerce their significant others into sex. I feel such relief that I am single and don't have to deal with it anymore.

Get rid of this revolting individual.

nomorefrogs · 01/02/2022 15:37

Oh no op. You are in another abusive relationship with an ignorant cocklodger who thinks it okay and coerce you into sex when it is detrimental to your health. Do NOT marry him!

ValerieCupcake · 01/02/2022 15:37

He's very childish. That's the kindest thing I can say about him.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2022 15:43

You have gone right back to an abusive relationship, yet again. This man is horrible.

sunshinemamabear · 01/02/2022 15:47

No, it's not normal behaviour. You need a partner to help and support you not sulk and make you feel bad about yourself when you're unwell. Sending you hugs.

Lemonweightloss · 01/02/2022 16:11

God I hate sulkers. So immature. And emotionally abusive.
Tell him it's not working for you. I would try to not get into an argument - there's no point.
You need to get back to being at peace with yourself.

scousemousex · 01/02/2022 16:15

@TheFoundation

There are standard 'red flag' behaviours that are the same for everyone, which you can google (like violence, name calling, coercive behaviour etc) but a healthier way to identify a red flag is 'Does this behaviour make me feel shit?' If you ask that, you'll filter out all the ones mentioned above, and you'll also identify your own personal red flags, for example you might not like sarcasm or being poked fun of, which might be a fun part of relationships for other people.

Relationships aren't hard. We have to make an effort sometimes, but the general picture should be 'I feel loved and supported by my partner' A good rule of thumb is 'A healthy relationship will never have you suspecting red flags, so if you're asking the question, it's not a healthy relationship.'

It's not about what a partner does 'right' or 'wrong'. There are no rules (except laws) The rules in your relationships are your feelings. So, if you feel lovely in a relationship, it's good for you. If you feel unsure/confused/wobbly/insecure etc, it's not good for you.

Genuinely don't know if this is normal behavior for someone

Forget normal. Nobody cares about normal. If we told you his behaviour was normal, would you feel you ought to just put up with feeling bad in the relationship? You NEVER have to put up with feeling bad in a relationship.

If you feel bad, you tell the person, and if they don't respect your feelings, you leave. That's all you need to know about boundaries, in a sentence, and it'll protect you from any abuse or poor treatment in the future.

This is wonderful advice.
WhatEvenHappened44 · 01/02/2022 16:34

BIN HIM.

Please have zero tolerance to anyone guilt tripping you over a condition that is complete shite for you and you have no control over. He sounds like the biggest insecure twat.

feelingtiredofthis · 01/02/2022 16:36

He sounds dreadful please get rid

SunflowerTed · 01/02/2022 17:00

Do not marry him

Quartz2208 · 01/02/2022 17:04

I am so sorry but this is another emotionally abusive relationship and they are red flags.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/02/2022 17:09

So what I’m reading is you have brought a house for someone who is in and out of employment, expects you to do the childcare and pesters you for sex. What about this relationship is appealing to you? Because it sounds horrible.

herecomestreble · 01/02/2022 17:11

He sounds awful, your relationship should be a partnership. And it really shouldn't be that difficult.

Shoxfordian · 01/02/2022 17:20

You’re in another emotionally abusive relationship

Justcallmebebes · 01/02/2022 18:11

I think everything's been said but I'll reiterate that relationships are not hard work. True, both parties have to work hard occasionally to maintain a successful relationship but there's a difference.

Don't the yourself financially to this man. You will rue the day

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2022 18:23

It's your house? Excellent

Get him gone,

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