Red Flags?? Need Advice

[Pinetree89]

I am 45 and my fiancé is 43. We have been friends for years and got together two years ago. Things started off really good and spent allot of lockdown together in the same house with our kids.
F was unemployed at the time and has since started work over a year ago.
We moved in together and I took out a mortgage on a house due to me being more financial secure. That year he began to be very much needing attention and would always want sex. I was feeling depressed for a number of reasons and also have endometriosis which makes I'm in pain allot of the time. We argued allot and he felt rejected, even tho we were still having sex at least 2 times a week. Granted there were times when we couldn't do it for a couple of weeks but that was if I was ill. I also reassured him that changes in libido where due to my own struggles not that I didn't want him and actually I needed him to support me emotionally. I don't think he ever really did.
Trouble is he treats me differently when we are having regular sex and if we don't for a week or even 4 days, he will wont be as friendly or jovial with me. I've tried telling him this and saying that I need an emotional connection as well as the physical, noting that I'm not gonna sleep with him if he has been grumpy with me for days. He states that he just wants to express his love for me and he is upset that he cant do that in the way he wants, but then will just be off with me for ages.
Since Dec we have both been really trying to work this out and I understand that I need to be a bit more attentive to him, physically not sexually. But he gets so offended when I don't give him the attention he expects. Example If I don't say I love you on the phone or forget to cuddle him when he walks in. He takes it super personal. I do love him and I do show him affection but nothing seems good enough.
F has also been depressed and started working which he hadn't done for about 9 years. He has already changed job once and switched to working nights with no consideration to childcare, leaving it all to me, who also works full time in a very stressful management position.
I feel like he is capable of making changes, but has slipped back into the mood a few times. example: We had sex twice one weekend, I then got endo symptoms and was wiped out for a few days. He said that he was upset because he knew we wouldn't be doing it for a week or so. Note, he was sulking for 2 days before actually telling me what was wrong. He says he loves me but surely if I'm ill he should wanna care for me not make me worse by pressuring me about sex. I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and I hope I'm not missing the flags and going back into that cycle. We are getting married soon and I'm not sure if this is a sign to work through it, building and growing together (relationships are hard right?) or a sign to move on and be a peace with myself. Genuinely don't know if this is normal behavior for someone. So confused.

Of course this isn't normal @Pinetree89 .

It might be common but it's not ok.

Sexually coercive/manipulative men are the lowest of the low. Imagine this being your life until you die.

Bin.

Big red flags!!

I was in the exact same situation sex wise with my abusive ex following an op i had.. It slowly slowly escalated.. I wasnt as clued up then as i am now.

Reread you original post OP, its all about him/ what he wants in his eyes, wheres the care for you??

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN

Good Relationships aren’t hard. Abusive relationships are hard.

Please don’t marry him. Would a man who cared about you and loved you be trying to emotionally blackmail you for sex when you are in pain?!

I'm a bloke and I can't see the horizon because of red flags.
All he cares about is sex regardless of your health.
Don't marry him.
Look after yourself and get away. x

He is a sex pest
He is a bit thick (doesn't get pestering isn't sexy)
He is a sulker (emotionally abusive)
He doesn't consider you or your feelings
He can't hold a job down
He punishes you when you haven't has sex
He punishes you when you forget to say 'I love you' (and other things I'm guessing) - this is controlling, making sure you beat to his drum.

All massive waving red flags.

Do not marry him.

it all sounds so very tiring and hard work . theres nowt much worse to put a person off sex than feeling constant pressure to put out to keep someone happy ,
i couldnt be doing with trying to pacify a grown adult thats got the temperament of a toddler being denied sweeties
it wont get any better , hes just going to make you feel under pressure continually , it would be a big big mistake to marry him , personally if i were you i wouldnt leave it much longer before telling him its not working and youd like him to move out

Omg, do not marry him! Get rid. Ltb

It must be exhausting being with him

Red flags all over it.

💐 OP. You sound like a lovely person and you don’t deserve this.

You are not a team. He sees himself as top dog and you there to serve him. That’s not right. Please end it. It will be hard but short term pain for long term gain

Pinetree, you know these are red flags, but I think you are just needing support/validation that these are. They are very much so and if you stay with this man, it will not get any better. And once you are married, your finances will be at risk too.

Also, 2 years isn't really long in the grand scheme of things, a lot of people will come along and say they are blissfully happy after meeting and moving in then marrying someone within 6 months. But it takes a good 18 months to see someone's true character. Until then it is easier to hide things under the radar, but at some point these start to show. I think this is where you are now, and his true colours are starting to show. He is all very me, me, me isn't he? Is this new, or did you overlook it before?

Being in a controlling relationship will make you feel confused. And everything seems to be your fault, right? Well it isn't. You are not the problem here.

Please do not marry him. Things will be a bit rough for a while (it hurts to realise the situation you are in, and no break up is easy), but then you can walk away and have a clearer future.

You were in an emotionally abusive relationship, you are NOW in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship!

He's a sex pest
He pressurises you into sex
He sulks when he doesn't get sex
He sulks when you don't give him attention
He's selfish
He dumps all child rearing onto you
Changes jobs whiteout thinking of the impact this has
He doesn't look after you when you're ill
He pressurises you into sex when you're ill

Doesn't sound like a nice bloke to me. Thankfully he's not on the mortgage so it's your house, kick him out

Don't ever marry a man who punishes you at times you're not being willing or able to have sex with him. Don't even be in a relationship with one. He's disgusting.

Imagine wanting to have sex with someone when you know it would hurt them. Can you imagine that? Me either. Because we are decent, normal, nice people and not abusive cunts.

Don’t get married.

Yuk! Bin and run. Remember, please remember, that being single is fine. Don't ever be desperate for a relationship, any relationship: when you have the mindset that you are 'incomplete' without a man you are an easy target for abusers and cocklodgers.

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for your words of advice.
The last few weeks have been crazy and I have now made the decision to get rid.
I knew this behaviour wasn't right and I was scared to admit that my best friend had turned out to be not the person who I thought he was.
I'm still getting guilt tripping behaviour and I am staying strong in my truth so I don't slip and take him back.
I slept so well last night and my children have been amazing...so supportive and they have blossomed since it finished.
Exciting to get my house back to myself, get it how I want and build a future for me and my girls.
All of the people who commented have given my hope and courage and even thou I have no idea who you are, you have impacted me in ways that you don't know.
Thankyou all xxxx

Just read all the thread op.

Well done for getting rid. This has red flags all over it.
You can be almost certain that had you married him he’d have got worse and might have quit his job too, making you financially responsible for him. Just block him now.

Well done op! And remember, you don't owe anyone a relationship. 'Because I don't want to' is perfectly valid. As is 'this just isn't working for me anymore so im done'.

You don't need to be drawn into the whys and ifs by him.

He is a knob. A sexually coercive, manipulative, abusive knob. But you shouldn't waste your energy trying to explain that to him - because he already knows. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

So tell him you won't discuss it further, it's just done and that's that.

Hope this doesn't sound patronising OP but fucking well done for not putting up with his controlling behaviour.

Be proud of you (I am!).

Excellent, well done and what a great example to your girls to not accept shitty behaviour. All the very best and happy memories for the future.

DO NOY MARRY THIS MAN!!!!

We had sex twice one weekend, I then got endo symptoms and was wiped out for a few days. He said that he was upset because he knew we wouldn't be doing it for a week or so.
YOU get horrible endo symptoms, he's right as rain, but all he can think about is getting his end away? Not a thought to spare for your pain & discomfort, no caretaking of you?

But he gets so offended when I don't give him the attention he expects. Example If I don't say I love you on the phone or forget to cuddle him when he walks in. He takes it super personal. I do love him and I do show him affection but nothing seems good enough
Why do you think marrying this man will cure him of his emotional vampirism?
Nothing you give him will ever be enough. He will suck you dry.

F has also been depressed and started working which he hadn't done for about 9 years.
So who was he cocklodging off while he was unemployed?

switched to working nights with no consideration to childcare, leaving it all to me, who also works full time in a very stressful management position.
You are his private convenience OP.
You pay the mortgage look after his kids, pander to his "depression" & are there to provide sex on demand, or get sulked at.

I hope I'm not missing the flags and going back into that cycle.
Pinetree, there is no gentle way of saying this.
You have missed an absolute shitstorm of red flags, & are already enmeshed in another abusive relationship.

If you marry this man, he'll grind you down until you don't recognise yourself. As soon as the ink is dry on the certificate, he'll stop working for another 9 years again, while still expecting you to suck up all the mental load, childcare & housework because he's 'depressed'. He'll still treat you like a sex doll too - only now, when you finally see the light & start divorce proceedings, it will cost you half your house.

oh HURRAH have seen your latest update. Nicely handled OP.
Enjoy having your home back, just for you & DC