How to leave a cheating partner?!?

[LivingInLeggingsStill]

My partner has been cheating on me on me for four years, with the same woman. I've known about it, but I've never fully confronted him. He knows I've had suspicions but has always managed to turn it on me. I also love him and I'm desperately scared of being alone. He's about to take a job which will see him be away in the week and closer to her. He intimated today that he was struggling with our relationship and was struggling to see where I would fit in the future. I feel he is preparing me for finishing things when he moves. I'm distraught. I begged him not to give up on is, get said he wouldn't but he was finding it hard. How do I break out of this and recover. I'm utterly devastated.

You have to let him go, it would be for the best to end this relationship, for your mental health, it's not doing you any good. He won't change and he's not to be trusted. Better to on your own than with a man that doesn't want to commit to you and he's a cheat.
No contact is the only way to recover and over time you will heal from it.

@dopple I know you're right, I just can't bring myself to actually do it. I've spoken to counsellors and psychologists to try and find the strength to end it and I just can't. Today was a step change in his behaviour. I always hoped he would pick me eventually but now I see he won't. And still I couldn't bring myself to confront him. It's soul destroying. I feel utterly broken and terrified of the future.

Please walk away with your head held high. If he finishes it, it'll crush you even more. Sometimes the thought of it ending is worse than it is, you might find some relief being away from all that stress. I suspect your self esteem might be low and that's because he is cheating on you and making you feel that way. Don't let him do that to you. He might realise what he's got once it's gone. Please find the strength to walk away from this man who shows you no respect. You will be ok x

What has made you feel you aren't worthy of better?

Head up, shoulder back and wave the cheater goodbye.

New life and fresh start for you!

@Jurassicparkinajug that's what I wonder, will I be free of all the stress and tears. Then the utter fear of being alone kicks in and I crumble. To make matters even worse, he's my current boss. I only took the job to be with him, and I hate it. I left my previous marriage to be with him. I've given up everything and it turns out it was for nothing. I just don't know how to process it all.

@LiG123 I don't feel like I'm worthy because I spent my twenties chasing men who wouldn't commit, I married a nice guy who would commit and I threw it away for this relationship. I'm terrified of being alone and I just don't feel I will ever be happy. It's literally the saddest place to be.

The pick me dance is demoralising humiliating and pointless. Let her have him and move on with your life. Coming out the other side could be wonderful!

So he's doing what you did to your ex dh? I think its a case of leopaddz never change and he was never going to pick you long term.

@nomorefrogs I'm desperate to do that. I spend so much time preparing speeches and conversations where I end it and take my life back. Then I see him and I crumble. It's pitiful.

@Bananarama21 I realise that now and I feel utterly ashamed of how I treated my Ex-husband. He doesn't know that's why I left but the guilt and regret is a constant reminder. Probably the reason why I wanted this to work so badly, to justify the utterly shit choices I made.

He likely does know op.id get counselling find out why you keep self sabotaging.

You're in a tough place, but it will get better.

Gird your loins and endure this next bit.

There's a whole load of life out there waiting for you. Being alone isn't the scary place it can seem.

Try to end things as soon as you've got strength. Hold your head high and end this. Then leave.

All the best.

@Bananarama21 you're right, he probably does, although neither if us have talked about it. I'm booked to see another psychologist. The last two didn't get me where I need to be, I felt like I just spent my time with them telling them the details of my shitshow life and not making sense of it so I gave up. I need to see it through this time. I'm in the worst place I've ever been. I've never felt so sad, scared or alone.

@Jumpking I feel like it's coming to and end fairly soon whether it's me or him (likely him). I've started reading books on getting over a break up, I just feel utterly terrified.

Please don't do the pick me dance. This is humiliating and degrading for you and your self-esteem. You deserve so much better than this, OP. You need to walk away. This relationship is already over.

Have you faced fears in the past and survived? You must have done.

Therapy only works if you also put in work between sessions. By taking actions. If all you do is turn up each week and expect magic to happen in a 40 minute conversation, you will be disappointed again.

Change is scary, but fear is survivable.

@Chocaholic9 you're right, it is, and today I realised it. I need to take steps to end this and restart my life.

@draramallama I'm sure I have but none spring to mind. You're also right about the therapy. I simply couldn't face the suggestions they were making as they ultimately would've led to me ending it. He's leaving his job soon so we will no longer be working together. And he is moving away and very likely to tell me it's over. I just need to find the strength to start over.

Strength comes from taking steps. One small step. Then another. And another. And another.

Then you look back and you realise you have travelled miles.

Strength comes after you act, it's not something you can sit and wait for it to arrive.

Same as if you wanted to be physically strong - that comes from exercise that develops your muscle strength over time, it doesn't come from sitting on the sofa hoping to wake up with strong muscles one day.

I'm in a similar situation. He's a liar, a cheat, gaslights and manipulates, I work for him but all that aside I can't bring myself to leave him, and instead got pregnant and things are worse not better. Which anyone could have predicted really. He treats me like shit and I'm miserable. But the overwhelming fear of losing him and being alone stops me from doing anything about it.
I've been diagnoses with a personality disorder, as well as anxiety, panic attacks and depression. It might be something worth looking into. I'm working with a psychiatrist and psychotherapist to gain some control back in my life, manage my mental health and hopefully get the strength to follow through on my fleeting idea that I deserve better. My therapist says he is hopeful that I will get there but I've had a lot of set backs and feel stuck. It's tough but I want to be happy and I'm realising he isn't the man I thought he was.
I'm here for a handhold, and encourage you that while it may seem impossible you will be okay.

[quote LivingInLeggingsStill]@Bananarama21 I realise that now and I feel utterly ashamed of how I treated my Ex-husband. He doesn't know that's why I left but the guilt and regret is a constant reminder. Probably the reason why I wanted this to work so badly, to justify the utterly shit choices I made.[/quote]
Alternatively, you can make it meaningful by using it as the catalyst for taking your life in a healthier direction.

As a separate observation - you have attacked yourself in pretty much every post you've written. That's a behaviour that is harming you (it has the same effect on your nervous system as if another person attacked you) but within your control to change.

Ultimately, you have to start taking actions. It doesn't matter if they're small to start with, because they will build up. Nothing will change until you do that though. Which will mean you keep suffering for no reason.

@WinterIsHere96 I'm sorry you are going through the same. Why have we let ourselves be destroyed by these men? I feel like the last 5 years have been a total lie. 5 whole years given to someone who didn't have true intentions. Who does that to someone? I'm seeking help, I just need to see it through now.

@draramallama I just feel so utterly worthless. 5 years of a lie. My chance for a second child, my happiness, my wellbeing, I willingly gave them to this man. It's cruelty beyond belief. I do feel physically savaged too. The headaches, fatigue, sleeplessness, soreness. My mind and my body are broken. I know I need to make a change.

You're scared of being alone because dot can't see/don't realise until that t will be different.

You say you qork but for him; that ostofyur twenties were spent chasing men who wouldn't commit; ignoring his doublelife which has lasted the vast majority of your 5 year relationship...

Where are you in all of this? Your adult life seems to have been sacrificed in pursuit of A Man. Take it back.

Being on your own is fine! Honestly being independent and comfortable in your own company is a gift you can give yourself.

Also once you learn this you don't compromise your standards for shitty men!

Im a single mum, my life has been and is so much easier including my mental health.

What do you think is going to happen if you live in your own?