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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to leave a cheating partner?!?

66 replies

LivingInLeggingsStill · 31/01/2022 21:34

My partner has been cheating on me on me for four years, with the same woman. I've known about it, but I've never fully confronted him. He knows I've had suspicions but has always managed to turn it on me. I also love him and I'm desperately scared of being alone. He's about to take a job which will see him be away in the week and closer to her. He intimated today that he was struggling with our relationship and was struggling to see where I would fit in the future. I feel he is preparing me for finishing things when he moves. I'm distraught. I begged him not to give up on is, get said he wouldn't but he was finding it hard. How do I break out of this and recover. I'm utterly devastated.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 02/02/2022 23:14

[quote LivingInLeggingsStill]@PerseverancePays I think I'm just afraid of the loneliness. I just don't like myself and what I've become. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I want and it's scary to walk away and start from nothing, that being said, I know I have to.[/quote]
Aren’t u lonely being with a bloke who has beeen shagging somebody behind your back for 4 years and who is planning up leave very shortly?! I would be much happy being lonely on my own than clinging to the coat tails of a man who didn’t want me and losing all my self respect and dignity

supercali77 · 03/02/2022 07:19

The fear of what will happen js so often worse than it actually happening. Believe me and everyone else saying this to you- you will eventually feel so much better once he's out of your life. You dont have to do the pick me dance, you dont have to read into things he says and does to figure out if he's still having an affair, you dont have to live with someone betraying you 24/7, most of all you dont have the uncertainty.

I would ask yourself- what is it about being alone you fear so much you are willing to put up with this? You say you've lost yourself, but you must surely know that staying in this situation is only going to be more loss...he can't save you, he's busy abandoning ship. So the only option to get back what you lost is to leave.

Also you mentioned the pattern from when you were younger chasing emotionally unavailable men, not sticking with the available/kind man and now finding yourself with an extreme version of emotional unavailability....would you consider counselling? Because I think it would help you find your feet and start figuring out how to stop repeating these excruciating patterns

supercali77 · 03/02/2022 07:26

Sorry just seen ypu are booked to see a counsellor. The kind that made a difference to me was cognitive, so i had to practise a lot. I never found talk therapy alone very useful. Practical tools to address the disordered thinking

spotcheck · 03/02/2022 07:35

How do you leave?
Slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
No need to be coy Roy....

You just go
And maybe agree with yourself to be on your own and independent for at least a year. Minimum.

Somehow you've decided that the only men worth having are ones who are unavailable.
I'm not sure who on here always asks this ( but is useful) " What did you learn about relationships growing up?

gonnabeok · 03/02/2022 08:06

If you cant tell him to his face then write him a letter. Have you seen a solicitor to get advise on what you would be entitled to once you split? It would be worth doing this. Many people once they are called out for cheating can become nasty about finances so consider that. Make sure you have copies of all the relevant documents/statements before hand.

Once you have separated you can do some work on boundaries and why you were unable to exit the relationship earlier. A lot of this has to do with low self esteem and confidennce but with the right help you can work on this and make sure you do not get involved with similar men in the future. Time on your own to work on you will be invaluable.

Angrymum22 · 03/02/2022 09:48

You need to reset your life, starting on a fresh page with a spell of living a single life to get to know yourself.
Unfortunately you don’t always win the pick me dance. When affairs become real life the excitement & lust disappears and unless it is replaced with love there isn’t much left.

LivingInLeggingsStill · 03/02/2022 22:00

@spotcheck you're right about being alone. I just need to be ok being me. I need to learn about myself again, I have no idea who I am, what I like, what my values are, nothing. My past relationships, apart from the marriage I walked away from, have also been with losers, chests, liars and generally undesirable arseholes. The pattern is so obvious when I look at it, I just don't really know why, or how to break it.

OP posts:
LivingInLeggingsStill · 03/02/2022 22:04

@supercali77 I had my first session with a clinical psychologist tonight. He listened, then we decided on what to focus on first. Preparing myself to break it off, coping strategies for that initial phase and then when I'm ready, a deep dive into why I make the choices I do and how to break the cycle. It won't be overnight, but it has to happen. Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 04/02/2022 07:09

Well done OP
Wishing you a happy, cheater and loser-free life
😊

Squeezyhug · 04/02/2022 09:16

OP it sounds like he’s going to dump you anyway sometime soon.

Get in there and dump him first. He won’t like that because he’s used to having all the power in the relationship.
Just say “ this isn’t working for me anymore” and leave him. It doesn’t need to be a long talk with justifications. Then go no contact.
You may find it hard but you will feel empowered that you made that decision.
Take that power away from him and give it to yourself.

How lonely must it be to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
You should not have to beg someone to stay with you !
You will feel less lonely on your own. Guaranteed !
It’s good that you’re getting some psychotherapy now and I really hope you get the strength to dump him ASAP.

formalineadeline · 04/02/2022 13:27

That sounds positive. I wish you well with it.

Drinkingallthewine · 04/02/2022 17:18

I just need to be ok being me. I need to learn about myself again, I have no idea who I am, what I like, what my values are, nothing. My past relationships, apart from the marriage I walked away from, have also been with losers, chests, liars and generally undesirable arseholes. The pattern is so obvious when I look at it, I just don't really know why, or how to break it.

I suspect this feeling of not knowing yourself comes from you being a bit of a Chameleon partner with someone. What I mean by that is that people like that go along with their partners wants and needs, their hobbies and preferences sometimes right down to the music/TV /food their partner likes. And with the next partner they gradually morph into the ideal girlfriend for that one. Typically these types also overlap relationships, by having one in the wings while the old one is ending. It's as if they don't know how to be on their own. Does this sound a bit like you?

Ok - a brand new perspective: since you don't know who you are, what you like, treat this new single phase as you getting to know yourself the way you would have with a new partner. I did this when I found myself being lost after a partner who I basically morphed into Ideal Girlfriend mode for. I tried restaurants he would never set foot in, went to gigs that interested me, bought the trashy book that wasn't intellectual for him. I signed up for hobbies that I liked the sound of that he would have scoffed at. Basically I kind of dated myself for a change, and it was transformational for me. In the course of this, I found I enjoyed my own company and quite like doing my own thing.
I'm with someone now but I'll never be afraid of being on my own again.

Being in a bad relationship is far more lonely than being on your own.

LivingInLeggingsStill · 05/02/2022 01:29

@Drinkingallthewine this is great advice. I will have the time to put in to myself and need to learn about me. The chameleon analogy is exactly me. I have no real sense of identity. I'm going to put myself on a man ban, focus on self care and try to find a way out of this. Thank you. X

OP posts:
Fresh2022 · 05/02/2022 15:41

Too many women don't realize how fabulous they really are and settle for nothing. Your way too amazing to even accept this..every women is wonderful and doesn't need to stay with a weirdo like this. The other woman is trying so hard to prove her worth by getting him because she has no love for herself! Desperate hag right there and he's a desperate hag too. At the end of the day it doesn't matter that she's in the picture he is enjoying all this attention because he is a low life He is too ugly for you remember that..

LivingInLeggingsStill · 05/02/2022 18:47

@Fresh2022 I feel sorry for the other woman as I'm certain she has no idea about me. He's manipulating and lying to her as much as he does to me. She could be blissfully unaware of the monster she's with. I don't blame her, how can I? He's the liar and the cheat. I often think about telling her. I'm just not sure what it would achieve other than making me look like a bitter and twisted bitch.

OP posts:
Drinkingallthewine · 07/02/2022 13:38

I'm just not sure what it would achieve other than making me look like a bitter and twisted bitch.

Don't waste your time. She wouldn't listen and it would make you look bitter. It's only when the pattern repeats for her - and it will - that she will see it for what it really is.

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