What do we talk about ?

kermitswig · 2022-01-31T19:16:48+00:00

Trying to rescue my marriage. Married for 20 years. He doesn't do small talk. We only have the DC in common. We literally have nothing to talk about. He is chalk and I am cheese in terms of hobbies/TV/opinions. He doesn't have dreams or ambitions or long terms plans. What on earth do we talk about ? how do we have a laugh together ?

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2022 19:19

That's a tough one!

What did you talk about in the early days when you decided to keep on seeing him, get married and have children? There must have been something!

Fidgety31 · 31/01/2022 19:19

Why would you want to stay with someone you have nothing in common with ?!

Original poster

kermitswig · 31/01/2022 19:25

@GreyCarpet I really cannot remember tbh. It's been so long like this. But I do want to try to make it work - or at least try.
@Fidgety31 - I don't want this thread to be about why we are together Just how we can get talking again.

OP posts:

SortingItOut · 31/01/2022 19:29

If you go out of the house for hobbies can't you talk about those?
Just because you have different hobbies doesn't mean you can't talk about them to each other.
My partner has hobbies I wouldn't do but I still show a interest when he talks about them.

Can you find something you are both interested in? A netflix series or a new hobby etc

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2022 19:29

OK. How about shared experiences?

Could you go to gigs together? Walking? Films? Do something completely new that neither of your is particularly interested in? Agree to do something the other is interested in? Find a new shared interest? Watch something a bit daft like Taskmaster and talk about that?

It's hard because if you can't find any common ground whatsoever then you're not going to be able to just get talking. You need something to talk about.

housemaus · 31/01/2022 19:34

Yep, if you don't have any common ground currently you need to make some. Cooking together, taking up a new hobby (climbing, French cinema, crosswords, slagging off the neighbours, competitive frisbee, anything!). If he won't do small talk, make a point of asking his opinion on stuff that's in the news that you think is interesting, or about your day, talk about his day (I wouldn't class this as small talk with your spouse, anyway). Send him things you think are funny that you see on social media or wherever. Generate some shared space for the two of you.

GreyCarpet · 31/01/2022 19:37

The problem is going to be whether he reciprocates/engages with it or not. You can't do it on your own.

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2022 19:39

I think some relationships have a shelf life and that's absolutely fine.

Original poster

kermitswig · 31/01/2022 19:43

unfortunately we have no common ground what so ever. This has always been a problem but has got a lot worse over the years. I have great conversation with my girlfriends - we laugh and talk all night. DH is on the spectrum and doesn't do asking about how my day is/talk about his day. He would happily sit in a restaurant together and say nothing. I'm desperate to make conversation together. As @GreyCarpet said, DH needs to engage.

OP posts:

TooWicked · 31/01/2022 19:43

Date night (I loathe that term) with a bunch of set questions you both have to answer.

Who is your hero?
What has been your favourite family holiday and why?
If we could live anywhere, where would you choose?
If we won the lottery what’s the first thing you’d buy?
What is your favorite thing about your job?
What was the best book you’ve ever read?
When you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up?
Etc.

Loads of questions on the internet. If he can’t muster up a response to any of those just double check he has a pulse.

Original poster

kermitswig · 31/01/2022 19:50

@TooWicked thanks for all the suggestions. DH wouldn't answer any of these. The questions about live anywhere/lottery he would say they are not realistic and therefore he wouldn't give them a thought and then say why would he give them a thought. He doesn't read books. He said he remembers nothing about his childhood (I often ask him about popular stuff in the 80s when we were young and he says he has no idea to whatever I ask him. He grew up in a loving family but apparently remembers nothing). It often feels like he is being purposely difficult (which has does a bloody lot)

OP posts:

housemaus · 31/01/2022 19:55

It seems possibly, then, that you're hoping DH will become someone that he just isn't, and isn't able to be.

Does he talk about anything - any special interests? Does he 'have a laugh' (to use the phrase from your original post) with/about/at anything specific, ever? It seems unlikely that he is going to change if this is just how he is, but I wonder if you can tap into what does make him tick to forge more of a connection between you, instead of hoping he'll suddenly develop an interest in a previously-ignored topic.

SortingItOut · 31/01/2022 20:05

What about board games?
Would he play those?
I find most board games get people talking.

Haggisfish3 · 31/01/2022 20:06

We play games like sussed sometimes. Helps make talking points!

KateMcCallister · 31/01/2022 20:28

You could start a conversation with "let's get divorced because we never talk and have nothing in common" and see what his response is. You both need to want to make things work and it might kick start that.

If he's not interested then keep having a laugh and chatting as something you do with your friends and spend as little time as possible with him if splitting up is something you can't see yourself doing.

Bobachox · 31/01/2022 22:10

I think I’d suggest date night or some breaks away together or a joint activity…bowling, cinema, hiking in a group, playing badminton together? The more you together the more shared experiences you will have to talk about and might meet other people as a couple too…..ultimately if he’s not onboard then you can either spend the rest of your life miserable or maybe try separating.

Zerrin13 · 31/01/2022 23:43

Does he chat to anyone else? People who don't want to talk arnt offering any companionship or company. It doesn't sound as if he is interested in the slightest in enjoying spending time together. Maybe he feels the marriage has run its course but doesn't know how to end it? Maybe he is happy to just plod on in his own silent, dull little world?

Justcallmebebes · 01/02/2022 12:43

I sat in a queue in the garage at the weekend in my car next to a middle aged couple in their car.

In the 20 minutes we were queuing they both sat ramrod straight in their respective seats staring out of the window. Not once did they utter a word to each other. I thought it was a bit sad really and your post has made me just think of that.

I just think that if my relationship had got to the point where we really had nothing to talk about at all, it's maybe time to move on. Life's too short

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2022 12:53

I'm sorry to be the voice of doom but it sounds beyond saving to me. I couldn't be with someone who expected to sit in a restaurant with me and not say a think. So depressing.

As @Justcallmebebes says, what is it that makes you think being on your own could be worse than being with someone who refuses to talk to you? I know you have DC but surely its a pretty poor example to be setting to them as well.... imagine growing up with parents who don't talk to one another.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2022 12:56

I absolutely agree with @Justcallmebebes

You can't fix this marriage on your own anyway, and your husband has made it patently clear he has no interest in doing so.

Ask yourself. - WHY do you want to fix this marriage?

Is it societal expectations, a fear of failure if you split?

I think it would be a much nicer society to live in if we stopped seeing marriage as some kind of success/failure thing - it's fine to move on, it's fine to be single, it's ok for a relationship to run its course.

Anecdotally, I know very very few couples who are still happy together after 20 years or so, with dc.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2022 14:35

@arethereanyleftatall

I think it would be a much nicer society to live in if we stopped seeing marriage as some kind of success/failure thing - it's fine to move on, it's fine to be single, it's ok for a relationship to run its course.

Totally agree. The idea that marriage is something to cling doggedly onto like a piece of wreckage after a shipwreck is responsible for so much pain in the world.

This one is clearly long past its sell-by. You and your husband will probably both be infinitely happier on your own.

Livandme · 01/02/2022 14:41

@arethereanyleftatall

I absolutely agree with *@Justcallmebebes*

You can't fix this marriage on your own anyway, and your husband has made it patently clear he has no interest in doing so.

Ask yourself. - WHY do you want to fix this marriage?

Is it societal expectations, a fear of failure if you split?

I think it would be a much nicer society to live in if we stopped seeing marriage as some kind of success/failure thing - it's fine to move on, it's fine to be single, it's ok for a relationship to run its course.

Anecdotally, I know very very few couples who are still happy together after 20 years or so, with dc.

100% this.

What has your dh suggested? Does he know you want to try to be more of a talkative couple? Is he on board? If not, you are pushing water up a hill on your own and one day you will just be washed down stream with all the one way effort

MargosKaftan · 01/02/2022 14:48

What is he interested in / working on? Can you ask him about it?

This is hard as I'm not sure i could have got past the 2nd date with someone I couldn't have a conversation with, but you obviously could enough to marry him. What has changed? Why were you happy to date, then settle down and marry a man you dont get on with? What was it that appealed to you about him? What did you like enough to be with him?

MargosKaftan · 01/02/2022 14:58

Well hang on for those having a go at the DH - has he always been like this? Its not a new thing. And the OP dated a man who didn't do small talk, has no imagination etc, decided she liked that, agreed to marry him and spend years with him.

He doesn't sound like a bad person, just a boring and dull one. I wouldn't have married a dull and boring man in the first place, but the OP did. On the grounds that there's someone for everyone etc, that doesn't mean he's in the wrong if he didn't hide his dullness.

(This reminds me of a thread years ago when someone was dating a man who was so hot he made the models on "Mens Health" magazine look ugly and lardy, but he had no conversation and didn't know Berlin was in Germany. I remember thinking I could never settle down with a man who I couldn't watch university challenge with, no matter how gorgeous. OP - was your DH v sexy in his youth so you were so dazzled you failed to notice he was dull and you two aren't compatible?)

SunflowerTed · 01/02/2022 15:36

@kermitswig

unfortunately we have no common ground what so ever. This has always been a problem but has got a lot worse over the years. I have great conversation with my girlfriends - we laugh and talk all night. DH is on the spectrum and doesn't do asking about how my day is/talk about his day. He would happily sit in a restaurant together and say nothing. I'm desperate to make conversation together. As *@GreyCarpet* said, DH needs to engage.

Conversation comes naturally in the right relationship. If it doesn’t and you have nothing to say then it’s over. It’s not real